Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Going on a journey until June 5th...see you then!

Okay, I'm going offline for 30 days. No INTERNET for 30 days. No blog. No e-mail. It is a challenge I have set for my own self and one that is needed. I need to be successful in this (better than I was with the fast, I hope and pray).

I'm in such a wierd place right now, I don't feel like I can be of any help to anyone until I can help myself. So, I'm shutting down, going within and looking for the strength and resources needed to find my ...I don't even know what it is I'm looking for so I don't know how to finish that sentence. I guess I'm looking for some peace of mind, peace of spirit and a healing not only for my body but moreso for my soul. I'm looking for some hope. I am sick. I can't get my breath. I finally went to the doctor yesterday and loaded up on sterioids to knock out the inflamation and other drugs to help but I know that my physical illness is a direct result of the sickness within my soul, my spirit. I am gasping for breath in more ways than one and feel as if I'm sinking fast.

So, that's why I'm shutting down. I accept responsibility for my own happiness. I accept responsibility for my own self. If I am feeling as I am feeling and I believe that I create my own reality, then I need to do some very serious soul seaching and focus on within which is where my answers lie. I am almost 60 years old (okay, closer to 59 but what the heck at this point) and I am still feeling the pain of an 18-year-old that I just never got beyond and it keeps coming back to me, over and over again, so that I can move on but instead of moving on, it just puts me in a tailspin and it's like having to start ALL OVER again. Just when I think I'm good to go...there it is...in my face again and I'm right back to square one. It's like playing the game "Sorry" and I'm always getting bumped back to home. I don't have too many more years to get bumped back so I need to get this figured out pretty quickly now.

So, the question is...am I feeling this way because I am sick or am I sick because I am feeling this way? Perhaps a little of both. Normally, I am a positive, upbeat person that you just can't keep down but I'm in a dark space right now and I know that I am the only one to pull myself out of it. So, I can't get online every day and write joyful things and send out positive, happy e-mails when that's not what I am feeling and it makes it me feel like I am living a lie. So I have to shut down and get my head together. It's difficult even being honest about this because it feels as if I failed in some way to accomplish something I was supposed to accomplish. I haven't gotten IT yet, but I'm trying.

I'll be back on June 5th and I will be in a much better place than I am this day, I AM SURE. I still have faith and "Faith is the little bird that feels the sun and sings though the dawn be dark." So, it's dawn and it's dark for me right now. But I know the sun rises shortly. Just give me 30 days and I will back to being myself and I guess I will always be...an artist in transition.

Happy month to you and we'll talk again on June 5th. I promise. I'm off on a journey...an adventure...into a deep, deep forest wherein sits a wise woman and a wise man...who are there to show me the way back to the light...they're waiting...and I'm packing up and going in...

I'll tell you about my journey on June 5th...