Thursday, September 16, 2010

What a ride! 9-16-10

Whew! What a ride this thing called life can be! So much happens so fast it feels I'm on a roller coaster and the ride dips, turns and climbs and it is exciting, scary and exhiliarating all at the same time.

My new job is wonderful and I am enjoying the energy of the people and the activity and the goodness that I am seeing. It is a non-profit organization and slightly different from some of my other jobs. What is heartwarming is seeing first hand how people dig deep into their pockets in an effort to help others. It renews my faith in humanity.

Working in an office of all women is also something new for me and although most of the women are younger than me, we all manage to work together as peers. The "monthly thing" is a memory for me but being around so many younger women I am reminded why it is called "the curse!" I walked in to see one of the ladies almost curled up into a ball clutching her stomach with cramps. Oh, I do remember those days and am so glad that part of my life is over.

We welcomed a new addition to the family on September 10th and he came in at nine and a half pounds, face up and eyes wide. This one is a silent observer and his eyes were focused and he was alert for so much longer than most newborns. I was reminded of my brother who in his last day of life was just looking around the room and when I asked him what he was looking at he said he was "just looking!" I believe our new little Ethan may carry some of the spirit of my brother in him. Ethan is my seventh grandchild and I call him "lucky number seven." I am amazed how quickly I fall in love with each of them. He is already wrapped tightly around my heart and I adore the little fellow whole-heartedly and pray for a happy life and a bright future for him. With all the love coming at him from so many directions, I can only believe he has a wonderful head start because love is the key to everything in life, from my point of view.

We have experienced a divorce which was heartbreaking and sad and a period at the end of a sentence. No, let me take that back. It is merely a semi-colon because my daughter-in-law will continue to be a big part of my life as I will always love her and appreciate her love for my son and for birthing two wonderful grandchildren for me. Thankfully they don't live close so I didn't feel the pain of it all as severely as I would have if I had to be around them more often. Yet I know how it feels to suffer through a divorce and it is always challenging. I wish them both well and whether I feel it is a mistake or not is irrelevant because it is their life to live and I am a mute (can you believe it?) and non-judgmental observer knowing that the ways of the heart are completely unfathomable at times, in fact, most times.

Because my Mom was all alone in Florida, I brought her up here (to Georgia) to live with me last November. My life changed radically and it was a huge, huge, huge (can't emphasize HOW HUGE) adjustment for me but something I felt I needed to do. I could not have foreseen, when I made the decision to bring her to live with me, how it would affect me. On the one hand, I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to do for so many reasons yet on the other hand, I regretted my loss of independence and solitude so it has been a big adjustment for me and not an easy one. I enjoyed my life and my ability to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it and I had so much more time for creativity. Yet, my heart said I needed to do this and I am growing from the experience and learning more about my own self. It's all a process. I am glad she is here and not alone. I left home when I was 18 and never looked back except with relief that I was gone. Still, it is undeniable that there is always a bond that can't be broken and sometimes it is necessary to step up and do what needs to be done.

We were getting into a routine when I finally got the job that I am loving. On the same day I started work, Mom got sick. I thought maybe she was fudging since I would no longer be at home all day with her but turns out she was really sick and by the second week I was working, we had to put her into the hospital. She was in ICU for several days and then in the hospital for a few more until they moved her to a rehabilitation center near my home. Now, after almost three weeks, she is stronger and feeling better but still not able to meet her own personal needs. We are hoping the rehabilitation will get her to that point so she can come back home to live. I am sure we will need to have help come in during the day but this is all a one-day-at-a-time experience and we'll see how it works out.

Since she's been gone, I've had my house torn apart because I've been painting my bedroom. WHAT A PROCESS! It took me two months to think about it and now almost three weeks to get it done. All that's left is to paint the ceiling, put up the border and then put it all back together. I've been sleeping on the couch with my best pet friend, Wizzie and life has been slightly a-kilter, to say the least. I have learned much during this process and can assure anyone and everyone that the next time house painting needs to be done, I will hire a professional.

I had no time to devote to it last weekend because on Saturday, I had to shop for Mom,, who needed some new gowns and "dusters" which meant a trip to the Mall. I didn't realize it was a "one day sale" weekend and I could hardly find a place to park and the lines and crowds were a challenge. Saturday evening I met friends for dinner and a lingerie party for a friend who is about to jump back into marriage (no, I couldn't talk her out of it...she is "in love!"). Sunday, I met another friend for lunch and then we went to the Rehab Center to visit Mom. My friend, who is a friend from high school, touched my heart with her desire to visit Mom. She took care of her Mom and Dad both and is now taking care of an Aunt so she knows a bit of what I am going through and I'd say she was more giving than me and I could learn a lot from her. It was wonderful to see both of my dear friends and I was feeling resentful of my own SELF (my own selfish self) for wishing I could just be in my home painting. After lunch and the visit with my Mom, I went to visit my daughter and stayed until midnight (which means I didn't get home until 1:00am)and went into Monday feeling like a zombie. It was worth it to be able to hold baby Ethan and play with Ian. I cooked dinner for the family and then cleaned the kitchen so I felt like I'd helped in some small way.

Yet those events with friends don't come by twice and I didn't want to miss them so I've spent another week on the couch and another week looking at the mess and the paint cans, brushes, all the other painting supplies and wishing my room were done and back together and my home in order once again. Maybe this weekend? Yes! My daughter sent me a text yesterday asking me to watch my grandchildren on Saturday and I had to say no although I wanted to say yes. It was a difficult decision for me because I 1)hate saying NO to her and 2)hate missing time with the grandkids. Yet if I don't get the painting done on Saturday, I won't get the bedroom back together on Sunday and I'll roll into another week with everything in disarray and I don't think I can do that and feel good about it. So, I said NO, which was unsettling but necessary.

So, a new job, a new baby, a divorce, a Mom in the hospital and a house in disarray. Yet this weekend, I'll get the house in order and then life will fall back into order. Or will it? Perhaps it's just a "dip" before the climb again? Mom should get back home next week and we'll start the readjustment all over again. It's never boring, is it?

My first few weeks at work I felt like I was running on empty. It's a long commute and by the time I get home, I am feeling exhausted and feeling "my age." I want to just go to bed immediately and I'm glad I don't have a family to look after or a significant other to give time to because quite frankly, I just don't have the energy for it. I honestly don't know how others do it.

I miss the "time" and "space" to paint and write and this is the first time in a long time I've felt good enough to just sit and write and it feels WONDERFUL! I am hoping things will settle down at some point in the near future and I will be able to devote a Saturday to a blank canvas, my jar of brushes and let the energy pervade my soul to create. Somewhere within me is still "an artist in transition." I didn't know how poignant that statement would be when I started this blog a year or so ago. That's life though, isn't it? We are always "in transition" or at least my life seems to be. It's never boring and I am grateful for every minute and for every breath I take and give thanks to GOD for this wonderful ride. Buckle up, find the smile, raise the arms and say "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"