...and time can do so much (Unchained Melody). Why is that song on my mind this morning? Well, here we go again. Another challenge. Another opportunity for growth. Another time I collide with my past. It is a past I would like to blank out of my mind but refuses to go away and be away and there is nothing I can do but to accept it. I doubt I ever will.
So, first time writing in what seems forever but life has changed so drastically that the person writing this blog last year is but a faint memory and suddenly I find myself in another "role." Another "responsibility" I accept but not without some regret but doing what needs to be done...the "right" thing to do and daily I pray for patience and empathy and the ability to find my joy, in some way. I haven't written because I can barely stand to listen to my own thoughts much less share them with others.
I think of my friends who have truly devastating experiences to overcome like the death of a loved one or a terminal illness and then I feel so ashamed of myself. I want to be so much more than I am but find myself in the middle of a pity party more often than not. I can't seem to pull up the blinds enough to let the sun truly shine in again.
And that statement made me laugh as I took down the blinds on one window this morning. I've bought paint to re-paint my bedroom and new curtains. I bought this over a month and a half, maybe even two months ago, and can't seem to find the motivation to do the work. Maybe today? I promise myself that I will paint above the window and hang the new curtains, at least there and it's what I know I need to do for me.
I guess I'm feeling trapped and I wonder if that is how others feel in certain similar situations. It's almost like being married and not knowing how or when to go about getting a divorce. Then, I remember that I did live through that and I will live through this and be the better for it but then I think that time is passing and I am older and my days are numbered and is this how I want to spend my minutes? I guess it is because it is what I am doing and as I always say, "I am the boss of me." I am doing this because I love someone else more than I love myself and maybe that's part of the reason for coming in to this life? It is the right thing to do.
It seems there are those who say we need to learn to "love ourselves" before we are truly able to love another but by loving another, are we not loving and honoring our own selves? Do I love myself any less because I put myself into "responsibility" situations? No, I think not. I like myself just fine, even if I do feel trapped at the moment. It won't last forever and there is a reason behind everything and I truly believe this and I also know that it is not always my call to know the reason but to just maintain my faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep taking another breath and doing what needs to be done.
So back again to that "collision" with the past. It's not a unique situation. There are many divorced parents who come together at weddings and birthdays for the children and manage to endure the company of the other for the SAKE of the children. It is what must be done, it is what can be done and it is what WILL be done. I guess it is those "consequences of our choices" that we all must accept at some point in time. I know what it means now to "pay the piper." So, pay the piper I will.
Still, in my quiet moments with my deepest self...I hear the words to Unchained Melody and I let myself flow with it for a bit. Then, I suck it up and keep moving. Yes, I will get that area painted and I will hang my curtain and I will find my joy because that is what I do. I AM the boss of ME and I will find the joy...IN SPITE of the obstacles and I will remember that it IS a great day to be alive...and not just in America!
Well, that felt good. Now to press "post" and put my guts "out there" and hope that maybe my meanderings will mean something positive to another and perhaps help someone else. That would be my fondest desire.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing...hold on to the memories but live in the now knowing tomorrow is a new day...and it is always darkest before the dawn!
Namaste!
