Strength, Grace and Wisdom - December 1, 2010 - Morning Meditation

Acrylic on Canvas, 16"X20" - "Path to Higher Consciousness" - NOT FOR SALE! :-)

As suggested by Sarah Ban Breathnac in her wonderful 1995 book, "Simple Abundance" today I am praying for strength, grace and wisdom.

As I was writing in my journal at 3:00am this morning when I couldn't sleep it occurred to me that sometimes I feel as if I am living the "wrong" life or I am in a dream life awaiting to awaken to my "real" life. After pondering that train of thought for a while, I decided to try to get back to sleep by reading. I picked Sarah's book off the shelf and turned to December 1st which is entitled "Charmed Lives."

The Universe will always provide an answer to my questions and if I stay aware, I will realize the gift of guidance when it comes. The answer I received to "why is my life not what I want it to be" was that I need to focus on strength, grace and wisdom because those are the tools I need to live the life that I am given. I knew when I started to read the December 1st entry in Sarah's book that God was talking directly to ME! As Jeff Foxworthy loves to say, "here's your sign!"

I know I am responsible for my own happiness. I know I am am responsible for my own wellness. I know I am responsible for my life and all that is in it. When I accept that truth, I realize and accept that only I have the POWER to change my life if it's not exactly what I want it to. Right behind that realization came the "little voice that whispers in my soul's ear" remind me about GRATITUDE. When I hear that little voice, I am humbled and remember to be grateful for ALL I have in my life because I know it IS a "charmed" life in its own beautiful way and it is the right life for me and my path.

I pray for the strength to do what needs to be done; the wisdom to embrace my life and all that is in it; and the grace to be grateful for the abundance, love and health that I have in my own charmed life even when I don't feel I am living the "right" life or that the "dream" is not as I would like for it to be. There is ALWAYS tomorrow and I, like the little bird, feel the sun and sing although the dawn be dark. But TODAY, RIGHT NOW is what I have and with strength, grace and wisdom I will make the most of this day and greet it with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

I expect a miracle today and I will NOT discount it when it comes my way, as I know it will if I only open my eyes to see it and open my heart, mind and soul to receive it. EXPECT YOUR OWN MIRACLE TODAY and may you always have STRENGTH, GRACE AND WISDOM in your life.

Namaste!

What a ride! 9-16-10

Whew! What a ride this thing called life can be! So much happens so fast it feels I'm on a roller coaster and the ride dips, turns and climbs and it is exciting, scary and exhiliarating all at the same time.

My new job is wonderful and I am enjoying the energy of the people and the activity and the goodness that I am seeing. It is a non-profit organization and slightly different from some of my other jobs. What is heartwarming is seeing first hand how people dig deep into their pockets in an effort to help others. It renews my faith in humanity.

Working in an office of all women is also something new for me and although most of the women are younger than me, we all manage to work together as peers. The "monthly thing" is a memory for me but being around so many younger women I am reminded why it is called "the curse!" I walked in to see one of the ladies almost curled up into a ball clutching her stomach with cramps. Oh, I do remember those days and am so glad that part of my life is over.

We welcomed a new addition to the family on September 10th and he came in at nine and a half pounds, face up and eyes wide. This one is a silent observer and his eyes were focused and he was alert for so much longer than most newborns. I was reminded of my brother who in his last day of life was just looking around the room and when I asked him what he was looking at he said he was "just looking!" I believe our new little Ethan may carry some of the spirit of my brother in him. Ethan is my seventh grandchild and I call him "lucky number seven." I am amazed how quickly I fall in love with each of them. He is already wrapped tightly around my heart and I adore the little fellow whole-heartedly and pray for a happy life and a bright future for him. With all the love coming at him from so many directions, I can only believe he has a wonderful head start because love is the key to everything in life, from my point of view.

We have experienced a divorce which was heartbreaking and sad and a period at the end of a sentence. No, let me take that back. It is merely a semi-colon because my daughter-in-law will continue to be a big part of my life as I will always love her and appreciate her love for my son and for birthing two wonderful grandchildren for me. Thankfully they don't live close so I didn't feel the pain of it all as severely as I would have if I had to be around them more often. Yet I know how it feels to suffer through a divorce and it is always challenging. I wish them both well and whether I feel it is a mistake or not is irrelevant because it is their life to live and I am a mute (can you believe it?) and non-judgmental observer knowing that the ways of the heart are completely unfathomable at times, in fact, most times.

Because my Mom was all alone in Florida, I brought her up here (to Georgia) to live with me last November. My life changed radically and it was a huge, huge, huge (can't emphasize HOW HUGE) adjustment for me but something I felt I needed to do. I could not have foreseen, when I made the decision to bring her to live with me, how it would affect me. On the one hand, I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to do for so many reasons yet on the other hand, I regretted my loss of independence and solitude so it has been a big adjustment for me and not an easy one. I enjoyed my life and my ability to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it and I had so much more time for creativity. Yet, my heart said I needed to do this and I am growing from the experience and learning more about my own self. It's all a process. I am glad she is here and not alone. I left home when I was 18 and never looked back except with relief that I was gone. Still, it is undeniable that there is always a bond that can't be broken and sometimes it is necessary to step up and do what needs to be done.

We were getting into a routine when I finally got the job that I am loving. On the same day I started work, Mom got sick. I thought maybe she was fudging since I would no longer be at home all day with her but turns out she was really sick and by the second week I was working, we had to put her into the hospital. She was in ICU for several days and then in the hospital for a few more until they moved her to a rehabilitation center near my home. Now, after almost three weeks, she is stronger and feeling better but still not able to meet her own personal needs. We are hoping the rehabilitation will get her to that point so she can come back home to live. I am sure we will need to have help come in during the day but this is all a one-day-at-a-time experience and we'll see how it works out.

Since she's been gone, I've had my house torn apart because I've been painting my bedroom. WHAT A PROCESS! It took me two months to think about it and now almost three weeks to get it done. All that's left is to paint the ceiling, put up the border and then put it all back together. I've been sleeping on the couch with my best pet friend, Wizzie and life has been slightly a-kilter, to say the least. I have learned much during this process and can assure anyone and everyone that the next time house painting needs to be done, I will hire a professional.

I had no time to devote to it last weekend because on Saturday, I had to shop for Mom,, who needed some new gowns and "dusters" which meant a trip to the Mall. I didn't realize it was a "one day sale" weekend and I could hardly find a place to park and the lines and crowds were a challenge. Saturday evening I met friends for dinner and a lingerie party for a friend who is about to jump back into marriage (no, I couldn't talk her out of it...she is "in love!"). Sunday, I met another friend for lunch and then we went to the Rehab Center to visit Mom. My friend, who is a friend from high school, touched my heart with her desire to visit Mom. She took care of her Mom and Dad both and is now taking care of an Aunt so she knows a bit of what I am going through and I'd say she was more giving than me and I could learn a lot from her. It was wonderful to see both of my dear friends and I was feeling resentful of my own SELF (my own selfish self) for wishing I could just be in my home painting. After lunch and the visit with my Mom, I went to visit my daughter and stayed until midnight (which means I didn't get home until 1:00am)and went into Monday feeling like a zombie. It was worth it to be able to hold baby Ethan and play with Ian. I cooked dinner for the family and then cleaned the kitchen so I felt like I'd helped in some small way.

Yet those events with friends don't come by twice and I didn't want to miss them so I've spent another week on the couch and another week looking at the mess and the paint cans, brushes, all the other painting supplies and wishing my room were done and back together and my home in order once again. Maybe this weekend? Yes! My daughter sent me a text yesterday asking me to watch my grandchildren on Saturday and I had to say no although I wanted to say yes. It was a difficult decision for me because I 1)hate saying NO to her and 2)hate missing time with the grandkids. Yet if I don't get the painting done on Saturday, I won't get the bedroom back together on Sunday and I'll roll into another week with everything in disarray and I don't think I can do that and feel good about it. So, I said NO, which was unsettling but necessary.

So, a new job, a new baby, a divorce, a Mom in the hospital and a house in disarray. Yet this weekend, I'll get the house in order and then life will fall back into order. Or will it? Perhaps it's just a "dip" before the climb again? Mom should get back home next week and we'll start the readjustment all over again. It's never boring, is it?

My first few weeks at work I felt like I was running on empty. It's a long commute and by the time I get home, I am feeling exhausted and feeling "my age." I want to just go to bed immediately and I'm glad I don't have a family to look after or a significant other to give time to because quite frankly, I just don't have the energy for it. I honestly don't know how others do it.

I miss the "time" and "space" to paint and write and this is the first time in a long time I've felt good enough to just sit and write and it feels WONDERFUL! I am hoping things will settle down at some point in the near future and I will be able to devote a Saturday to a blank canvas, my jar of brushes and let the energy pervade my soul to create. Somewhere within me is still "an artist in transition." I didn't know how poignant that statement would be when I started this blog a year or so ago. That's life though, isn't it? We are always "in transition" or at least my life seems to be. It's never boring and I am grateful for every minute and for every breath I take and give thanks to GOD for this wonderful ride. Buckle up, find the smile, raise the arms and say "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Another door opens...August 16, 2010

I start a new job today and I am beyond excited. I signed the paperwork on Friday the 13th so that day is lucky for me! I feel like a kid leaving home for the first day at school. I went shopping yesterday and bought a new lunch bag. It felt sweetly poignant.

Being an artist is a marvelous and wonderful use of my time but it didn't provide the financial rewards I need to survive so heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work I go. The painting is from my "Through the Door" series so I thought it would be appropriate for today.

My job search has been extensive, long and time consuming but I prayed about it and as I feel I live in Divine flow, I knew the perfect job would appear at the perfect time and it has. I learned from my last job that sometimes there are opportunities for growth we can't know until we are in the middle of the experience. Sometimes those "opportunities" are a little uncomfortable but that is what makes us stretch and grow and become more of who we are meant to be.

I am in for a wild ride this morning and although it's only 27 miles to work, I expect it will take at least an hour with the morning traffic being what it is but I'm okay with it and will use my time in the car to "get my mind right" as I take this new road (literally and figuratively!). I am having a Robert Frost moment as the road is diverging once again. We have an intersection here called "Spaghetti Junction" and there are overpasses and underpasses and it's a mish-mash intersection and exactly where I pick up 285E. Traffic is ALWAYS backed up on those over/under passes but I am expecting it and that's half the battle of keeping my cool on the road! I am also a defensive driver so I keep enough space in front of me that I can stop (and this makes some other drivers mad but I do what feels right for me on the road and they can go on around me if they are not happy with my 10+ over the speed limit).

My biggest regret is that I won't be able to go to Pacifica, California this year for the Fog Fest and to visit my friends. It will be at least a year before I have enough vacation time accrued but again, I suppose this is as it should be. (Divine Flow!) Wahhhh! See you next year Colsy!

I will be working in an office with only women which should be interesting. Lots of estrogren and I understand the age range to be 20's to 60's with me being on the upper end of the range (bringing my sageness to the table). I have worked in an all-woman office once before and it was fun so I'm expecting nothing less from this one.

Wishing you a beautiful day. I have a job! Amen! I have a job! Amen! I have a job! Amen! Bring it on God, I'm up for it!

Namaste

Namaste

Time goes by...so slowly...

...and time can do so much (Unchained Melody). Why is that song on my mind this morning? Well, here we go again. Another challenge. Another opportunity for growth. Another time I collide with my past. It is a past I would like to blank out of my mind but refuses to go away and be away and there is nothing I can do but to accept it. I doubt I ever will.

So, first time writing in what seems forever but life has changed so drastically that the person writing this blog last year is but a faint memory and suddenly I find myself in another "role." Another "responsibility" I accept but not without some regret but doing what needs to be done...the "right" thing to do and daily I pray for patience and empathy and the ability to find my joy, in some way. I haven't written because I can barely stand to listen to my own thoughts much less share them with others.

I think of my friends who have truly devastating experiences to overcome like the death of a loved one or a terminal illness and then I feel so ashamed of myself. I want to be so much more than I am but find myself in the middle of a pity party more often than not. I can't seem to pull up the blinds enough to let the sun truly shine in again.

And that statement made me laugh as I took down the blinds on one window this morning. I've bought paint to re-paint my bedroom and new curtains. I bought this over a month and a half, maybe even two months ago, and can't seem to find the motivation to do the work. Maybe today? I promise myself that I will paint above the window and hang the new curtains, at least there and it's what I know I need to do for me.

I guess I'm feeling trapped and I wonder if that is how others feel in certain similar situations. It's almost like being married and not knowing how or when to go about getting a divorce. Then, I remember that I did live through that and I will live through this and be the better for it but then I think that time is passing and I am older and my days are numbered and is this how I want to spend my minutes? I guess it is because it is what I am doing and as I always say, "I am the boss of me." I am doing this because I love someone else more than I love myself and maybe that's part of the reason for coming in to this life? It is the right thing to do.

It seems there are those who say we need to learn to "love ourselves" before we are truly able to love another but by loving another, are we not loving and honoring our own selves? Do I love myself any less because I put myself into "responsibility" situations? No, I think not. I like myself just fine, even if I do feel trapped at the moment. It won't last forever and there is a reason behind everything and I truly believe this and I also know that it is not always my call to know the reason but to just maintain my faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep taking another breath and doing what needs to be done.

So back again to that "collision" with the past. It's not a unique situation. There are many divorced parents who come together at weddings and birthdays for the children and manage to endure the company of the other for the SAKE of the children. It is what must be done, it is what can be done and it is what WILL be done. I guess it is those "consequences of our choices" that we all must accept at some point in time. I know what it means now to "pay the piper." So, pay the piper I will.

Still, in my quiet moments with my deepest self...I hear the words to Unchained Melody and I let myself flow with it for a bit. Then, I suck it up and keep moving. Yes, I will get that area painted and I will hang my curtain and I will find my joy because that is what I do. I AM the boss of ME and I will find the joy...IN SPITE of the obstacles and I will remember that it IS a great day to be alive...and not just in America!

Well, that felt good. Now to press "post" and put my guts "out there" and hope that maybe my meanderings will mean something positive to another and perhaps help someone else. That would be my fondest desire.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing...hold on to the memories but live in the now knowing tomorrow is a new day...and it is always darkest before the dawn!

Namaste!

Rolling in to Two Thousand Ten with whispers from God...

Happy new year to all of us. I can't believe it is already January 6th but every year the days seem to move more quickly from one to the next and before I know it, it will be SPRING. For now, I am trying to allow myself to find a way to enjoy this winter, knowing winter is a gift, too. It's not my favorite gift but one for which I am grateful, none the less.

I finally did my "whole person" reading on the 4th. I usually try to do it on the first day of the year to get an idea of where I'm being guided and supported in the upcoming year but I procrastinated this year and I guess that's okay. It was certainly pertinent from a personal point of view since I've been delaying "living" and have been "existing" instead of being proactive. It was a very different reading from years past and I know this is going to be a challenging year, in many ways for me. It was an in-my-face reminder that I AM the boss of me and I need to accept responsibility for everything that is in my life and if I don't like what's there, it's up to me to make the necessary changes to make it what I want it to be. That's the hardest part of life, isn't it? Accepting responsibility and making changes? It's hard for me and it seems it is difficult for others, too. Yet, I know it can be done. I have faith that it can be done. Not only for me, but for any/everyone.

My spirit/mind/body reading today was interesting and as always, so RIGHT ON and exactly what I needed to be aware of in my life.

First off, spiritually, came a message about indolence. Indolence is stagnation, laziness, unclearness. It was a reminder to me that I need to release my pattern of over-extension which leaves me drained and "indolent." I need to set limits and welcome more discipline into my life. I was reminded that the storms of life throw me out of balance, again and again. Yet is is the constant change between being centered and uncentered which teaches me to be more conscious from moment to moment.

I had a migraine headache yesterday and spent most of the day in bed. I seem to get migraines when I am in "overload." So, I recognize this about myself and acknowledge my need to set limits so that I don't reach the "indolent" stage but I also know it will happen again yet not as often and I will be "conscious" not to let myself get to the point of being completely drained. I have to look after my own self, accept responsibility for my own self and for my own well-being. I need to be aware of my own NEED for discipline and structure and I do that by being conscious and in the moment. It was a good reminder and one I needed to hear.

Next, I got a message about mastery of self-knowledge and awakening to the deepest essence of who I am. I am a radiant being filled with love and light and I want to share this love and light with compassion and rememberance of my own "dark places." So, by being "conscious", I can also be more self-aware which brings me to the physical message.

I received the "love" card and the message is about equal and special love. Love that is creative, inspirational and bears great creative power. My affirmation is: I desire and am open to fully experience love.

We experience love by the act of loving AND by staying open to receiving love. Love wears so many disguises that it is sometimes difficult to recognize but with love comes light or "illumination" and with "illumination" comes love for they are both the same.

Well, I'm getting a little esoteric here but what I really wanted to "put out there" this morning was that it is love that helps us through the storms of life and the love has to come from WITHIN.

I just spoke with a dear friend who is going through the process of dealing with the loss of a child, an only child. I can only imagine the pain she is experiencing and I am filled with compassion for her. What can I say that will make any difference in her life? What can I do to help my friend who is in so much pain? Not only her, but I have other friends and family in the throes of their own storms and I want to reach out and help them all, in some way. Yet, what can I really do that will make any difference? What can I say that will help?

I can only love them and listen. The changes that need to occur for each of them, can only come from within and I try to remind those I love about SELF love as I have to remind my own SELF so often. We all need to love our own SELF first and when we do that, and only then, can we truly help another help another.

So, to that end and in line with my "whispers" today (I call my readings "whispers from God") I will stay conscious today of being centered and balanced. I will remember that I am a radiant being filled with love and light. I will set limits and boundaries. I desire and am open to fully experience love in all it's many facets. By loving my SELF, I can love others more completely.

Well, rolling in to Two Thousand Ten I am reminded to "Love thy neighbor as thy own self." Perhaps in today's world, we've gotten it reversed and we need a reminder to love our own SELF, too, for we are the light of the world.

Namaste, Happy New Year and remember to love your SELF today and stay conscious from moment to moment. Holding the resonance and sending love and light to all.