Monday Mornings...

Monday mornings are great! Monday signals new beginnings for me although I do admit that in the past there were times when it meant only the end of a wonderful weekend I was loath to let go.

There have been break-ups, divorce, death, sadness and pain in my last week for people I care about and I feel and am compassionate about their feelings and experiences without letting my own SELF get bogged down in it, knowing they will come out the other side changed but after a time, it can be like a Monday for them, too. Perhaps that makes me come across as a little cold but I am not, I am just hopeful for a new tomorrow, always.

I have experienced loss, of many different types and what I have found is that with every loss comes a new opportunity, a change in direction but life can still be a wonderful, amazing experience if we look for the amazing, wonderful things that are still here. It is difficult to know exactly what to say to someone I care about when they have experienced a loss or are going through a life changing experience such as death or divorce. I want to bring them comfort and facilitate their healing process. I want to "make it better." I know that it is really not within my power or my control but in the power and control of the one who is experiencing the pain and the loss. Sometimes, I think it helps to hear the words from another so there is value in saying what I feel is positive and uplifting.

I've always been a bit of a loner although I enjoy and dearly love my friends and family. I have relied upon my own SELF to get through my sufferings and I'm too prideful to let my pain show. Happiness is an inside job. I know that I am the one that has to find my own happiness and no one else can do it for me and it's not their job anyhow. I consider myself a strong person, able to "roll with the punches" but there have been times in life when I have felt humbled and brought to my knees and wallowed in my own self-pity. Divorce, loss of love, loss of a child, loss of a parent, loss of a friend, loss of love, children leaving home...it's all a part of the process we know as life. Still, I believe in LIFE and I believe in LOVE and more than anything, I believe life goes on regardless of the experiences. As long as I am breathing, there is hope. Hope for a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new path, a new experience.

Many years ago, my brother gave me two little placques for posting on the refrigerator. The quote on one was the "Happiness is an inside job" and the quote on the other is "Along the way, Take the time to smell the flowers." I've tried to model my adult life around those two quotes. I say "tried" because I've not always been successful and I've had my "black holes" but I always manage to pull myself back up, with the help of God and my faith. Another of my favorite quotes is "Faith is the little bird that feels the sun and sings, although the dawn be dark." Another way of hanging on to hope and having faith. If I have given my children nothing else, I hope I have been able to pass on to them this faith and this belief in life.

We all struggle. We struggle with loss, love, finances (always a struggle for all of us in my family but we seem to be able to always "have enough"), moods, divorce, loss of trust, betrayal and sometimes we betray and sometimes we are the betrayed. All a part of life. It is what we do with all of these losses and struggles that define our character and the quality of our life. As long as we keep breathing, there can be a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new opportunity. Let go and move on and MAKE the minute, the day, the week what we need it to be for our own happiness. Grieve, suffer, be depressed. These are all feelings that we experience at one time or another but don't linger long there in the darkness. Feel it and then move on and get back into the sun. We are all capable of it and if not, get some help to find it.

Today I am going to wrap some Christmas gifts, work on my book for my family, write a little, organize a little, enjoy my Mom a little, walk Wizzie and enjoy the fresh air a little, e-mail my friends a little and all those little bits will add up to one big, fine day.

I had someone say to me this morning, "It sure was a crappy weekend outside, wasn't it." Instead of following along with that train of thought, I said, "Yes, it was wet and cold out but it made it that much more comfortable to be inside and I accomplished a lot inside of my house this weekend." It changed the whole tone of the conversation. Yes, it was wet and cold outside but hey, it's December and we have a lot of those days in December. Still, it was a great weekend! I didn't leave my house but it was a fulfilling weekend and this morning, I am sitting here writing in an environment that is neat, orderly and fun to be in because I had the time to make it that way this weekend.

I had a custom wall-unit built for my bedroom and it was installed last week. It was built by Tim Ford and Arlo Alvarez and they knocked my socks off with their expertise. I had a vision and they brought that vision to a reality. Here's a picture of what it looks like and I am happy as a lark with my "new" bedroom!



If you need anything built and you are in Georgia, Tim Ford Woodworking at 678-776-8315 is the place to go for custom woodworking. The work is beautiful and he is a master at creating a lasting and beautiful work of art, of a sort. He is definitely a master craftsman and I highly recommend him.

That having been said, I'm off now to create a wonderful day for myself. I hope you do the same for your own self. Remember..."happiness is an inside job" so work hard at that job and you can succeed admirably!

Namaste, my friends!

Just thinking...

It is winter quiet this morning and the day is gray outside and the remainder of summer's sage, wilted and begging for me to come out and cut it back, is blowing in the wind. There is just a hint of purple left on the ends but the leaves look sad and worn out from the frost we had a few nights ago. I like the peaceful quiet of a winter's morning but not as much as the vibrancy of a Spring morning yet both are a part of the cycle of nature and of life. I've been thinking much of both since I brought my Mom up from Florida to live with me.

Somedays, I feel like the sage because I am tired and growing older by the minute. Yet I am happy that I can find peace, still. This is a test of my character and of my beliefs, which are tested daily.

My Mom and I have had a strange relationship most of my adult life and I've lived away (far away) from her since I was old enough to leave home. I left and never looked back when I was 18 and I made my way on my own, stumbling and bumbling but making it on my own and I liked it that way.

She's still my Mom, though and nothing will change that and I love her for giving me the gift of life and I am trying now, to get to know to her as an adult. Yet it feels as if I have another child because she can't get around very well (which is why I brought her up here to live with me) and she uses a walker and a wheelchair, when we go out. I'm glad I am physically able to help her although I admit that sometimes, it does take a lot of energy to do all that needs to be done around just "moving" her from place to place. Yet, I feel compelled to do what I can to help her enjoy her final years. She will be 80 on December 21st. The scary thing, to me is the reminder that 80 comes up real fast behind 60 (which I will be on March 1st).

My Dad's gone, most of her friends have already passed over and there was no one (of any merit) in Destin to care for her. So now, I have the opportunity to be a bigger person and to grow and I'm finding that I enjoy having her around. I've cleared out my studio and made it into as a nice a room for her as possible, with bright colors and pretty things. I put a birdfeeder up outside the window so she can enjoy the birds and have done all I know to do to make her comfortable.

We play cards every day and eat our meals together but she sleeps alot and so I still have time for my writing and "thinking" and although I'm feeling heavy, I'm not sure it's because of her because I always get heavy in winter which is my least favorite season. Usually I endure it rather than embrace it but perhaps this year I can learn to embrace the winter, too.

Mom is in the winter of her life and I'm in the fall. I'm not ready for winter and I'm not even ready for fall. I want to be in Spring eternally with perhaps a hint of summer. That's what I feel in my heart and soul most of the time but when I look in the mirror, the reflection yells back FALL and I hate it but I'm trying to be more zen about it.

If we manifest everything in our life, and I believe we do, then I have created this opportunity to allow my spirit to grow. In my opinion, that's my purpose in life. I came here to grow spiritually. Now, in the FALL, I'm being given a wonderful opportunity. Now to seize it and GROW. What does that mean? I don't know right now but I know there is a lesson here for me.

Already, good things have happened for me around the changes. Life is not what I had in my "dream" five years ago but I know that I am very, very blessed and I am hoping to pass through THIS WINTER and come out the other side without falling into my usual "winter depression" and as always, even though it is a gray, winter's day outside, I am looking ahead to the Spring. I've planted more bulbs this year and put in more crocus so I can see them from my desk as I write. Crocus are the harbingers of Spring,along with the Forsythia, and I put a lot in because by the time they show their beautiful little faces, I need their color to bring my hope to fore.

I'm not painting right now and that's put aside until the Spring when I'll paint in the annual Plein Air event again. Yet I can write and I'm working on my book of poetry for my family. I don't know if they'll appreciate it because it is so personal and much of what brought me great joy brought them pain and I was selfish about my love. Perhaps it will have more meaning for my grandchildren when they are grown and have had loves of their own and I know one of my children will understand better how life throws us a curve ball now and again. I won't say which one but as an adult having passed through a similar life experience the "ah ha" light should go off and the door to greater understanding and growth opened a lot wider.

I could write more about how interesting it is to watch the growth of another human being (and admittedly, their pain is my pain because my child's pain is always my own, too, as well as their joys) but...

AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER...

Mom smelled the Nag Champa essential oil I had in the burner and came in to see what I was doing so I made her some breakfast and played a game of rummy with her and now she has gone back to bed to watch TV for a while (and probably sleep). She sleeps a lot but that's understandable. Babies and old people...(well, okay..."older" people) seem to need lots of sleep. Some because they are growing and some because they are slowing.

Time for me to move into my day. I'm still "reorganizing" and trying to fit in my home and I have a large box for Goodwill of good things that no longer have a place but may help another or perhaps there's a need that can be inexpensively filled and that would make me happy. Mom asked what I was giving to Goodwill because she might want something and I said "don't even look because it is all going to Goodwill" and we had a laugh about it.

I have to go to the Post Office because I didn't get out to my mailbox in time for pickup and to Goodwill and to the Food Bank to drop off some canned goods. I had thought to have a full day at home but it looks like that's not to be. It seems there's always something that has to be done that requires me leaving the house and I suppose that's okay. Before Mom came, there were days at a time when I just "snuggled in" or spent the day working in the yard from sun up until I came in, dirty from head to toe and tired to the bone but feeling satisfied with a day well spent and something to show for the effort. Sometimes I'd just sit at the computer for hours, writing, musing, sending e-mails and reading blogs or something else I found interesting (or looking at something relative to OH MY GOD Robert Pattinson who has captured my fancy like millions of other women of ALL AGES. He sure is "purty"...there's something about that "bad boy" persona with a "heart" that captures my fancy and provides stimulus for my fantasies! Lord, make me 18 again! LOL!).

So, wishing you a joyful day, filled with all that makes you happy!