Working on a book of poetry

I started working on a book of poetry which I will give to my children and a few select friends for Christmas. Every Christmas I try to do something for my family that is a "part of me" to share. I've done a cookbook (Sabe's Faves) and a short-story entitled "Daddy's Story" and this year will be the book of poetry. It's fun because I am re-living the moments when I wrote each poem and I've a lifetime of memories, some happy, some sad and some poignant. All have their place in the book as all have their place in life.

I'm just back from driving my brother to airport. I thought traffic would be a horrendous nightmare due to the time but it was a breeze, both ways and that was a relief. I was prepared for anything, though, and whenever I get in the car I'm prepared to go with the flow and not let anything bother me. I listen to FM 97.1 which plays the good old classic rock and roll of my younger days and bounce around and/or sing along with the music and I'm a party of one in the car!

Sun is shining brightly outside and it IS a great day to be alive in America. (21 days and counting until New Moon comes out. Can't wait for another taste of eye candy (love me some Robert Pattinson!).

Namaste!

Let the fast begin...

Day one of the Master Cleanser fast. I'm just taking one day at a time and won't go into much detail here. First day is always the worst for me because of caffeine withdrawal. I stayed in bed until almost 3:30pm today (well, I was up a couple of times) which is unheard of for me. I don't know that I've ever slept until 3:30pm but it's okay. I'm just trying to take care of me.

The sun is shining in right now and that feels good after all the rain we've had here. We were fortunate because we live on a hill and the water rolls down the street...right onto my brother's property into his pond. The pond has an overflow system that leads to the creek behind his house. He's on a hill from the creek so that's a good thing. We were fortunate, indeed.

On the positive side, there will be work for those who have had a hard time finding work and that's a good thing. One man's woe is another man's joy. Such is the way of life.

Josh and I worked through our misunderstanding and came out the other side of it more understanding of each other, I think. I have to remind myself how it felt to be in my 30's because I consider most people, including my own children, peers and we're not. That is what was brought home to me in full force yesterday. I LOVE the age that I am and I wouldn't want to go back and re-live anything. I can do that in my mind anyhow and sometimes the version in my mind is much better than the "real" version. It's my story and I'm sticking to it has another meaning altogether in that sense.

I had a conversation with someone I shared a lifepath with for a number of years and the memories he carries of the SAME TIME when were together are so different from mine. I just wonder if it was all a dream and we were never really together for all those years because our sense of that time and memories are so very different. Perhaps that's the "way of life," too?

A sense of peace and calm have settled into my soul, ever since the HELL JOB ended, amen and thank you! I feel as if I am currently in "coast" mode and just taking an easy ride down a gentle slope. I'm enjoying the ride because I have lived long enough to know that there's another hill that begins when this one ends I'll have to go up before I can go down. That's for tomorrow though so for today, I'll just enjoy and revel in the peace and calm.

Speaking of the HELL JOB, the employer is "appealing" my claim for unemployment. In 35 years in the business world I never experienced anything like I experienced working for those people. The lack of professionalism, organization, systems...everything was lacking there and the people were a piece of work. Husband yelling at the wife right in front of me, wife calling the former employee a bitch and others worse. She wrote in the appeal that I was "difficult to work with" and I had a good laugh over that statement. I was difficult to work with because I asked if I were to be compensated for using my personal vehicle for their business. She almost got apoplexic over that request. I was difficult because I asked they follow the procedures put in place to help the organization's record keeping. I worked harder at that job than any other job I've ever had and it's because EVERYTHING was in such a mess when I got there. I went in early, stayed late, put up with their dog and their kids and their bad tempers and dog hair and dust everywhere and she says I was difficult to work with. I just wonder what rock they crawled out from under and how do you run a business and be so clueless? I felt some compassion and sympathy for them because they were in over their heads, had no money, had a lot of debt and had no idea what they were doing on the business/book end and were the most reactive business people I'd ever met and every day was a CRISIS. There was no planning and no forethought. I think they must have ridden the coattails of another to get to the financial position they were in previously and when the housing market tanked so did their fortunes which brought them to their knees and that's when I came in. Now, I've got to defend myself to the GDOL and have talk to an "appeals tribunal" (sounds scary) and the bottom line is that the woman from the HELL JOB is trying to screw me and I'm not going to allow it. She WILL be sorry and if she thought I was difficult when I was working then, she'll know what difficult really is when this is all said and done.

Whew...what a rant. Felt good to get that out! Have you ever had a HELL JOB? I guess I was lucky in that it was my first and it came at the end of my career. What a way to go out!

I didn't do anything this week with regards to starting back to school and that's my next hill. Once I get through the fast I'll make that my next priority. I'm still sending resumes but nothing much is out there.

Time to walk Wiz. Hope you have had a wonderful day for your OWN self!

Namaste

TMI...

Too much information! I deleted my Facebook and MySpace accounts this morning. I guess I have my son to thank for that, too. He helped me inadvertently, to make that decision.

Those sites are called "networking" sites and as soon as possible after becoming aware of them, I signed on and put my "life" out there for anyone and everyone to see. So proud of me. Well, it was a phase and I'm moving on from there and trying to get BACK to good old verbal (or written) communication. I don't need to know where my cousin is today or what someone had for dinner, their latest trip, their problems sleeping and on and on and on. TMI. When I see a picture of someone I love and respect looking frazzled and shooting a bird or another with a lovely, buxom lady draped around his married ass then it's time for me to go...TMI. None of MY business!

I think it's time to realize I'm too old for the bullshit and the drama. I'm tired of getting people hating Obama or loving Obama or the health care reform (which is NEEDED) or invitations to join a Mafia or get a heart for the day and on and on and on. So much wasted time. So much wasted energy.

Yet here I sit blogging about my LIFE...well, here it is. Take it or leave it. If you don't care and don't want to read it, then don't. We all have choices to make and this morning, I am choosing to respect and love my very own self. Yep, that's what this is today. I'm loving and respecting and caring enough about Sabra to take two steps back and reassess what is really important in my life. I know that Facebook, Myspace and all the inane chatter thereon is no longer in my best interest. I have more productive things to do with my time.

I have three children and one is a mystery to me and it hurts my heart but it also helps me to grow. I think it is only natural to want to be loved and respected, especially by one's children. When I allow an ex-significant other to disrespect me, especially IN FRONT of my children, then how can I expect my children to respect me. So I'm fixing that right now, today and it won't happen again because I won't let it.

I find myself, as I'm aging, pulling more and more into my own self. Yes, I'm very comfortable here and I like myself just fine and my life is happy and content. I think I'm becoming a bit of a recluse and I guess that's okay, too. I have a rich life, filled with many good things. People, and not all people, but some people, continue to shock me with their actions. Reading certain blogs or comments about stories can almost make me fearful because there is so much anger and suffering and downright HATE spewed on the internet. Why is that? I just don't understand why we can't just live and let live. I really don't.

Well, I'm wondering but not wandering this morning and just wanted to get this out for what it's worth. Have you ever felt this way, too or is it just me?

So now, I'm moving on in to my day of being productive around my house. I'm cleaning and then I'm going to do something creative because that's what makes me happy and being happy is what we all want, isn't it?

So to anyone reading this who is on Facebook and/or MySpace...call me if you want to talk to me...or don't. I'm here but I bow out of those sites and the drama surrounding them, in an effort to allow more peace, understanding and joy into my life.

Wishing you a happy day without TMI!

Namaste

Painting Today - Dream Series

Doors are a symbol of transition. There is a lot of symbolism here. Enjoy!

This is my Dream Series...all have doors. Do I have the courage to enter therein?

Henry David Thoreau

I was reading in "Walking" by Henry David Thoreau this morning. On page 18, from his poem, "The Old Marlborough Road" he's talking about taking a walk in a place not frequented by many and he says:

"Not many there be
Who enter therein
Only the guest of the
Irishman Quin.
What is it, what is it,
But a direction out there,
And the bare possibility
Of going somewhere?"

He goes on to say "What is it that makes it so hard sometimes to determine whither we will walk? I believe that there is a subtile magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright. It is not indifferent to us which way we walk. There is a right way; but we are very liable from heedlessness and stupidity to take the wrong one. We would fain take that walk, never yet taken by us through this actual world, which is perfectly symbolical of the path which we love to travel in the interior and ideal world; and sometimes, no doubt, we find it difficult to choose our direction, because it does not yet exist distinctly in our idea."

Oh, I do love Henry David Thoreau because he ponders and questions and loves Nature so much. I can't count the number of times I've felt the same about the bare possibility of going somewhere, somewhere new, someplace I've never seen before because I have a wandering spirit.

The next paragraph is about intuition, which we all have but not all of us "tune in." How many times have I taken the wrong path because I was being heedless or stupid. I didn't stop to think, I just did even when my heart or my spirit was telling me, don't do it. It is sometimes difficult to know which direction to take because of the unknowns. Of course, I'm not taking about literal travel but the interior and ideal world of our inner selves.

I wanted to share that bit of Henry with you this morning and maybe it will lead you to do some wondering, pondering...and maybe some wandering, of your own!

As I write, there are three Cardinals on my back deck eating the bits of nuts that the squirrels threw down. When I looked out this morning, I sighed because there is it again! Nuts everywhere! But, it's good thing because now it's providing some nourishment for the birds. Later in the day, I'll sweep it up again.

Wishing you a joyful day. Remember to EXPECT A MIRACLE!

Namaste!

I can't believe it...

I wrote my blog and was about to post and somehow ended up closing out and losing it all because I didn't save it. It was a good one, too! So does that mean that I wasn't meant to share that information or that I am supposed to write about something else? Hmmmm...such things to ponder! I see signs in everything and feel there is meaning in everything that happens. Then I remember that the only meaning is the one I assign to it!

The whole and half-eaten pecans are hitting my back deck with such frequency this morning it sounds like drum beats before the band kicks in. I imagine there's a large group of squirrels sitting up on the branches, munching to their hearts content and then tossing the remainder onto the deck below. It does create some extra work for me to get out there and clean up behind them but I wouldn't trade the squirrels and the mess for the tree because I love that tree. It's an old tree and has been around since before I was born (so it really must be a very old tree). It provides shade for the house in the hot summer and helps keep my house cool. The green leaves soothe my soul and I enjoy looking at it and breathing the oxygen it gives to me. Soon, the leaves will fall and I'll have another mess to clean off the back deck. I imagine the tree is giving me it's gift before it goes to sleep for the winter and I accept that gift, sweep up the leaves and put them out back to compost for next year, as I do all the nuts I sweep up off the porch. Sometimes I feel annoyed at the extra work created and then I make myself remember these are nature's gifts to me. It's all a matter of perception, much like life is a matter of perception. The only meaning is the one I assign it!

I'm reading Richard Bach's "Running From Safety" and I am remembering what I had forgotten and what he remembered a long time before a lot of us. He's talking to a 12-year-old version of himself, trying to give him the secrets to "life" so that he's one step ahead of the game. What he's really doing is figuring out what he already knows and what we all know although we don't know we know it until that moment of understanding when we say "oh! I get it now!" Reading the book has helped me "know" and understand what I said before, the only meaning is the one I assign it and that applies to EVERYTHING in life. It's personal and it's SELFish.

Being SELFish is a learned skill. I don't mean selfish as in greedy or not considerate of others but I mean taking care of the self, loving the self, acknowledging the beauty of the SELF and loving the SELF. (Oh my gosh, a beautiful red cardinal is sitting right outside my window looking in at me. He's perched on the back of my slider and is only 2 feet from my face. How exciting and how absolutely beautiful to me. Well will you look at that...he's picking at one of the half eaten pecans. Who knew Cardinals liked pecans, too. Another reason to love that tree!)

I look to nature to understand life and what I know this morning is that life can be "messy" if we choose to see it that way or it can be abundant, nourishing, and with a little work (like sweeping the deck and composting for another day) greatly rewarding. So, what is the meaning of LIFE? The only meaning is the one I assign it.

Right now, I assign myself to get out there and sweep up all those gifts, move in to my day and accomplish as much as I can from the list I made for myself this morning. It's my "road map" of the day.

Today, I EXPECT A MIRACLE and I guess the Cardinal was one of many that will come my way today. Thank you God for the gift of seeing that beautiful little creature so close to my face (most things have to be close to my face for me to see them these days...the eyes are getting weary and thank you GOD for the person who created eyewear!). Wishing you a day filled with miracles, joy, peace, and everything that makes you happy.

Namaste!

A beautiful new day dawns...

NOTE: This is the blog I thought I'd lost but it was automatically saved in my drafts folder so I'm going to go ahead and post this although some of the information in the next post will be redundant.

Fall is definitely in the air this morning and it brings to mind the football games of my youth when I was in high school. Wearing a football player's jacket was a sign of being someone "special" or I thought when I was in high school. I wore my number 68's jacket with pride and when he'd make a play and they'd call out his name over the loudspeaker I felt as if I'd done something special. It was all just a feeling and an illusion because I wasn't really any more special than anyone else in the crowd. It was merely a perception. Was it wearing the jacket that made me special? Was it that my boyfriend was a football player that made me special? Being "popular" in high school was so important and going with a football player lumped me into that crowd. I didn't realize then that I was special just because I am me and now, being older and wiser, I understand that is an illusion, too. It's not the external that makes us who we are but what's inside. I've learned to love myself for me and I like myself which is something it has taken many years for me to learn. High school is a place of learning and it's more than what's in the books. It's a time to learn how to "come into one's own self." I wasn't smart enough to know that then and when my boyfriend and I broke up, I felt as if I were nothing. Again, an illusion and an misperception. I thought I needed him to define me. If I have taught my children anything, I hope it is that they have a realization that they are perfect just as they are because they are kind, considerate, caring and loving human beings. I think we've made some progress since I was in high school and it's one place I would NOT want to go back and do over.

I was reading "Running From Safety" by Richard Bach yesterday. I've been reading it for about five years. It is so insightful and touches my soul in a way that I have to read a bit, digest it and then get back to it. He had some things figured out before I even knew there were things to figure out and I love his writing and his views on life. This book is especially poignant because he's talking to a 12-year-old version of himself trying to teach the kid about what he's learned in his life and help him to see what it took Richard Bach a lifetime to learn. His writing touches me and I want to hug him as I read because I can intuit the pain he went through to get to the place he is today. It's the lessons in life that we all have to learn and many are painful...until we GET IT!

As I write the pecans are hitting my deck with such abundance and speed I am sure there's a group of squirrels sitting up there having their morning breakfast. I swept the deck last night and already there are hulls and bits of pieces covering it again. I love that pecan tree and it offers great shade and helps keep my house cool in the heat of the summer. It's beautiful to look at because it's lush and a beautiful shade of green. Then there are the nuts on the deck that make such a mess and in a month or so, I will have a hard time keeping up with the leaves that will fall. In the Spring comes the little yellow things that fall in such abundance and let me know the pecans will be profuse this year. Nature, like life, has it's yin/yang, the good and the bad and we can learn a lot from nature. I am hoping someday to put a roof over the back deck...

MY NEXT POST MIRRORS THIS ONE IN SOME WAYS...BUT I HOPE BY NOW YOU'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH MY PECAN TREE, TOO!

To paint, or not to paint! That is the question.

My clock said 9:42am when I woke this morning and my first thought was "I love my life!" I made coffee and sat down at the computer and the clock on the computer said 8:02am as did the clock on the stove. I guess I inadvertently pressed the "hour and minutes" button when I hit "snooze" on Monday morning (because I spent the night with my sister on Monday night when they refinsihed my floors). So, my next thought was "I love my life!" because now I have an "extra" hour and 40 minutes in my day. It's all subjective, isn't it? Either way, I love my life and that's a good thing!

They finished the floors and moved the big furniture back into the living room and I worked on it a little last night and I have fallen in love with my little home again. The floors look awesome and add a warmth and richness to the room and I am so happy just sitting in the room, relaxing and enjoying the peaceful ambiance. Now, it's time to bring back order from chaos AND I get to look at all my books again as I put them back into the bookcases. I'm sure this project will take until Friday to complete because I know how I am when I reorganize. I'll put some beautiful music on and enjoy the process of reorganization and the peace of the day.

Today is the "Painting Group" meeting at Anita's ArtsCool and she sent an e-mail asking if I was coming. I think I will wait until next week to go again because I want to stay in and work on the house. To paint or not to paint? I can't paint when everything is disorganized (even someplace else) so I'll get my house together and next week I will start painting with ladies group again.

I have a party on Sunday (Monday is a holiday) and on Monday I'm going to start the fast again and get back to my exercise routine. I find I am finally shedding all of the negativity I'd absorbed during my short 60-day stint at the job from hell. I was NOT loving my life at that time although it was something I knew I had to do and I'm glad the Universe provided that opportunity to grow because I certainly learned a very valuable lesson. The owners were nice people but the company was already at it's bottom and there was so much stress because they had not only already lost a lot but had more to lose and their downward spiral was like a vortex and I was being caught up in it and felt I were drowning as surely as they were. It was not entirely of their own making but greed got them where they were and I wanted out and when the Universe provided that option I was overjoyed to no longer have to be a partipant in their opportunity to reassess their lives. I felt their anger at loss was being directed or projected is more apt, onto me. I was happy to get out of Dodge!

Now, it's upward and onward again to creating the life I want to live and today, I am loving that life. It is a gorgeous morning outside, the sun is shining brightly through the trees and I have the day to my self. I have also been given an opportunity to make a difference in a child's life and I am happy to be a positive force for a bright, happy, growing child. She's my niece and she is in the third grade and comes home from school at 3:30pm to my house. I help her with her homework and we read together and I am enjoying her energy. My sister and I have reconnected as a result so it's all good.

I'm going to call the Director of Financial Aid at University of Georgia again today and hope I can actually talk to a person. I tried on Monday and after 3 times of 20 rings and no answer, I gave up for the day. If it's meant to happen, it will. I'll do my part and we'll where it goes. I'd love to get my degree in Journalism from UGA.

Two cups of coffee down and time to move into my day (the nuts are still falling onto my deck and today I need to go out and sweep them off!). It IS a great day to be alive in America and everything in MY WORLD is absolutely wonderful. Hoping the same for you (don't read the news!).

Namaste!

Here it comes...

I smelled Fall in the air this morning as I stepped out onto the porch. Time for leaves to fall and the weeds to die off, at last. With all the rain this year, keeping up with those weeds has proved to be a losing battle. I give up, you win. Next year, I WILL spray weed and feed at the first sign of Spring.



I spent the night at my sister's last night because they were finishing up re-doing the wood floors at my house. I'm excited to move back in and have my space reorganized and it will feel like a new home to me.



I made the mistake of looking at the news this morning. More of the same, economy sucks, GOP and Democrats squabbling, people doing mean and hateful (and deadly) things to other people, LA is on fire (again) and I'm sure it's flooding somewhere and another hurricane headed to Mexico. Same-o, same-o. Nothing I can do about it but shake my head.



I had an opportunity to watch TV yesterday (she has cable...I don't) and watched a great show on National Geographic channel about some new finds in Egypt that put writing being developed there long before it was developed in Mespotamia. It was an interesting program and worth the time to sit and watch. I woke up to Sponge Bob Squaredpants and my sister telling her daughter what she needs to do after school today. Glad it's her time and mine is done! It takes a lot of energy to raise a child and the most I do now is have to walk my Wiz a couple of times a day. Much easier now.



9:44am and I'm still sitting here in my pajamas. I had to catch up on the news of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart (I need to get a life). I tried to call the Director of Financial Aid at UGA yesterday and let it ring over 60 times. Either they weren't in or they weren't taking calls and NO VOICE MAIL. What is the world of academia coming to these days? I'll try again later today.



Sending out a few resumes and trying to make more constructive use of my day. Surfing around on "SeniorsMeetPeople.com" and that's interesting. I've perused hundreds of seniors but they all look so old. LOL! I have to remind myself that I, too, am "old." I don't feel old but when I look in the mirror, I sometimes wonder who is that old woman looking back at me. Age just catches up to us sooner or later. In my heart and soul I'm still young, though! Just wiser. I like the phrase that "age is just a number." It's not completely true but I like it just the same.



Haven't been painting much but I've a couple of paintings rolling around in my mind and once I get my house back together, I hope to do some painting later in the week. One is really trying to break lose and it's a gift for my daughter and her husband. Canvas is sitting there calling to me and I hope to touch it soon and let it flow.



Time to get dressed, step away from the computer and do something productive with my gift of this day. I love my life.