Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Just thinking...

It is winter quiet this morning and the day is gray outside and the remainder of summer's sage, wilted and begging for me to come out and cut it back, is blowing in the wind. There is just a hint of purple left on the ends but the leaves look sad and worn out from the frost we had a few nights ago. I like the peaceful quiet of a winter's morning but not as much as the vibrancy of a Spring morning yet both are a part of the cycle of nature and of life. I've been thinking much of both since I brought my Mom up from Florida to live with me.

Somedays, I feel like the sage because I am tired and growing older by the minute. Yet I am happy that I can find peace, still. This is a test of my character and of my beliefs, which are tested daily.

My Mom and I have had a strange relationship most of my adult life and I've lived away (far away) from her since I was old enough to leave home. I left and never looked back when I was 18 and I made my way on my own, stumbling and bumbling but making it on my own and I liked it that way.

She's still my Mom, though and nothing will change that and I love her for giving me the gift of life and I am trying now, to get to know to her as an adult. Yet it feels as if I have another child because she can't get around very well (which is why I brought her up here to live with me) and she uses a walker and a wheelchair, when we go out. I'm glad I am physically able to help her although I admit that sometimes, it does take a lot of energy to do all that needs to be done around just "moving" her from place to place. Yet, I feel compelled to do what I can to help her enjoy her final years. She will be 80 on December 21st. The scary thing, to me is the reminder that 80 comes up real fast behind 60 (which I will be on March 1st).

My Dad's gone, most of her friends have already passed over and there was no one (of any merit) in Destin to care for her. So now, I have the opportunity to be a bigger person and to grow and I'm finding that I enjoy having her around. I've cleared out my studio and made it into as a nice a room for her as possible, with bright colors and pretty things. I put a birdfeeder up outside the window so she can enjoy the birds and have done all I know to do to make her comfortable.

We play cards every day and eat our meals together but she sleeps alot and so I still have time for my writing and "thinking" and although I'm feeling heavy, I'm not sure it's because of her because I always get heavy in winter which is my least favorite season. Usually I endure it rather than embrace it but perhaps this year I can learn to embrace the winter, too.

Mom is in the winter of her life and I'm in the fall. I'm not ready for winter and I'm not even ready for fall. I want to be in Spring eternally with perhaps a hint of summer. That's what I feel in my heart and soul most of the time but when I look in the mirror, the reflection yells back FALL and I hate it but I'm trying to be more zen about it.

If we manifest everything in our life, and I believe we do, then I have created this opportunity to allow my spirit to grow. In my opinion, that's my purpose in life. I came here to grow spiritually. Now, in the FALL, I'm being given a wonderful opportunity. Now to seize it and GROW. What does that mean? I don't know right now but I know there is a lesson here for me.

Already, good things have happened for me around the changes. Life is not what I had in my "dream" five years ago but I know that I am very, very blessed and I am hoping to pass through THIS WINTER and come out the other side without falling into my usual "winter depression" and as always, even though it is a gray, winter's day outside, I am looking ahead to the Spring. I've planted more bulbs this year and put in more crocus so I can see them from my desk as I write. Crocus are the harbingers of Spring,along with the Forsythia, and I put a lot in because by the time they show their beautiful little faces, I need their color to bring my hope to fore.

I'm not painting right now and that's put aside until the Spring when I'll paint in the annual Plein Air event again. Yet I can write and I'm working on my book of poetry for my family. I don't know if they'll appreciate it because it is so personal and much of what brought me great joy brought them pain and I was selfish about my love. Perhaps it will have more meaning for my grandchildren when they are grown and have had loves of their own and I know one of my children will understand better how life throws us a curve ball now and again. I won't say which one but as an adult having passed through a similar life experience the "ah ha" light should go off and the door to greater understanding and growth opened a lot wider.

I could write more about how interesting it is to watch the growth of another human being (and admittedly, their pain is my pain because my child's pain is always my own, too, as well as their joys) but...


Mom smelled the Nag Champa essential oil I had in the burner and came in to see what I was doing so I made her some breakfast and played a game of rummy with her and now she has gone back to bed to watch TV for a while (and probably sleep). She sleeps a lot but that's understandable. Babies and old people...(well, okay..."older" people) seem to need lots of sleep. Some because they are growing and some because they are slowing.

Time for me to move into my day. I'm still "reorganizing" and trying to fit in my home and I have a large box for Goodwill of good things that no longer have a place but may help another or perhaps there's a need that can be inexpensively filled and that would make me happy. Mom asked what I was giving to Goodwill because she might want something and I said "don't even look because it is all going to Goodwill" and we had a laugh about it.

I have to go to the Post Office because I didn't get out to my mailbox in time for pickup and to Goodwill and to the Food Bank to drop off some canned goods. I had thought to have a full day at home but it looks like that's not to be. It seems there's always something that has to be done that requires me leaving the house and I suppose that's okay. Before Mom came, there were days at a time when I just "snuggled in" or spent the day working in the yard from sun up until I came in, dirty from head to toe and tired to the bone but feeling satisfied with a day well spent and something to show for the effort. Sometimes I'd just sit at the computer for hours, writing, musing, sending e-mails and reading blogs or something else I found interesting (or looking at something relative to OH MY GOD Robert Pattinson who has captured my fancy like millions of other women of ALL AGES. He sure is "purty"...there's something about that "bad boy" persona with a "heart" that captures my fancy and provides stimulus for my fantasies! Lord, make me 18 again! LOL!).

So, wishing you a joyful day, filled with all that makes you happy!


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