Sunday mornings...

are so precious! It has been forever since I last wrote but it has been an interesting time of challenges and growth and I know the best is yet to come!

I am still working at the job close to my home and loving it. It is a blessing and I sincerely hope I can ride it out for the next five years. It is an awesome, stable company with a lot of terrific people and I believe it will be a nice period at the end of the sentence which has been my "career." I haven't really had a career as much as a journey which like a feather in the wind has landed me in some beautiful places and only a few that were not so beautiful...three, to be exact so that's not so bad! Those I dust off and hang tight to the ones that were exciting and from which I learned so much, not only about life and business, but about myself.

I'm at a place in life where I am forced to see myself as one who is near the end of one adventure but soon (in 5 years if all goes as planned) to begin a new and exciting adventure. I want to travel and it is seething in my blood, my spirit, my emotions...my very soul is straining to be free and to visit every beautiful place God has created in this wonderful place I chose to incarnate called the UNITED STATES. In my mind, I'm already heading down the highway, Class C RV readied for the trip and San Diego, here I come. Up the coast highway to Vancouver...oh, I could go on for hours. It will truly be the BIG ADVENTURE!

Now, I need a partner. Someone to share the expense and the driving and the FUN that is to be had. I am about to manifest (maybe not immediately but soon) a "traveling man" who loves rock and roll music (loud) because that's my traveling music; who is strong and healthy and loves to bike and hike and take a new road he's never been down before; someone who may not necessarily believe as I do but will accept my spirituality as part of who I am and love me for it; someone who will pull over and let me paint for three or four hours while he amuses himself in his own creative adventure; he will love to laugh and must love children because the grandkids will certainly be a part of my traveling somewhere down the road; someone who will give the peace and space in the morning and not want to talk as soon as our eyes open...must have my coffee and meditation time; someone who enjoys the silence as much as the loudness; who can listen to all kinds of music, depending on the moment...loud, raucous rock and soft, soothing, spiritual music; someone who will love, honor and respect me (but not MARRY me because I'm done with that part of my life) and in turn, I WILL DO THE SAME FOR HIM! So, if you are out there, and you happen to read this blog, let me know you're there because I'm ready to start planning our first trip!

So, okay, that having been said. Everything else in life is beautiful. My best pet friend, Wiz, is almost 16 and his energy and health are waning and I know soon I will miss him so much. It broke my heart to take him for a walk and realize he couldn't make it around the circuit we one travelled easily. I had to pick him up and carry him home, crying (me) all the way. I am really going to miss his energy and his unconditional love when he crosses that rainbow bridge but I am indelibly changed by all that he brought to my life. I learned so much from him and many times when I was out walking him and I'd notice something beautiful in nature or just in the morning or whenever, I would thank God for Wiz for otherwise, I would have missed that little nugget of gold.

My grandchildren are all healthy and happy, children are healthy, happy, productive, contributing human beings so I feel very good about them.

Personal life...awesome! Professional life...awesome! Love life...more to come! Adventure...on the horizon!

So...on to CREATIVITY! I am facilitating a new series of creativity workshops beginning February 1st so I'm sure I will be sharing more via the blog because writing is how I "think it out!" Hope you come along for the ride. I am hoping to unblock or "reopen" some of the places within from which the joy flows. I am hoping to begin painting again soon. I know my spirit needs it and cries for it. If I can help myself and help others at the same time then a miracle will have occurred and I will once again, believe that Wayne Dyer is my very own muse (can a man be a muse, too? I guess I'll have to Google it later!).

After two years of "working on it" I finally self-published "Simply Sabra" in December and was able to give it as gifts to a chosen few for Christmas and it was well received. The book was a compilation of short poems written between 1974 and 2011 so it was a span of life and a fun walk through the memories of time for me. Releasing it felt almost like walking naked on stage in front of an audience because I was so open and also so vulnerable because I was honest about everything FROM MY POINT OF VIEW. Truly, can be anything else?

Now, to "seize my day!" I expect a miracle today and so should you! It IS a great day to be alive in America and the best is yet to come.

These are some of my Angel creations!

Namaste!

What a ride! 9-16-10

Whew! What a ride this thing called life can be! So much happens so fast it feels I'm on a roller coaster and the ride dips, turns and climbs and it is exciting, scary and exhiliarating all at the same time.

My new job is wonderful and I am enjoying the energy of the people and the activity and the goodness that I am seeing. It is a non-profit organization and slightly different from some of my other jobs. What is heartwarming is seeing first hand how people dig deep into their pockets in an effort to help others. It renews my faith in humanity.

Working in an office of all women is also something new for me and although most of the women are younger than me, we all manage to work together as peers. The "monthly thing" is a memory for me but being around so many younger women I am reminded why it is called "the curse!" I walked in to see one of the ladies almost curled up into a ball clutching her stomach with cramps. Oh, I do remember those days and am so glad that part of my life is over.

We welcomed a new addition to the family on September 10th and he came in at nine and a half pounds, face up and eyes wide. This one is a silent observer and his eyes were focused and he was alert for so much longer than most newborns. I was reminded of my brother who in his last day of life was just looking around the room and when I asked him what he was looking at he said he was "just looking!" I believe our new little Ethan may carry some of the spirit of my brother in him. Ethan is my seventh grandchild and I call him "lucky number seven." I am amazed how quickly I fall in love with each of them. He is already wrapped tightly around my heart and I adore the little fellow whole-heartedly and pray for a happy life and a bright future for him. With all the love coming at him from so many directions, I can only believe he has a wonderful head start because love is the key to everything in life, from my point of view.

We have experienced a divorce which was heartbreaking and sad and a period at the end of a sentence. No, let me take that back. It is merely a semi-colon because my daughter-in-law will continue to be a big part of my life as I will always love her and appreciate her love for my son and for birthing two wonderful grandchildren for me. Thankfully they don't live close so I didn't feel the pain of it all as severely as I would have if I had to be around them more often. Yet I know how it feels to suffer through a divorce and it is always challenging. I wish them both well and whether I feel it is a mistake or not is irrelevant because it is their life to live and I am a mute (can you believe it?) and non-judgmental observer knowing that the ways of the heart are completely unfathomable at times, in fact, most times.

Because my Mom was all alone in Florida, I brought her up here (to Georgia) to live with me last November. My life changed radically and it was a huge, huge, huge (can't emphasize HOW HUGE) adjustment for me but something I felt I needed to do. I could not have foreseen, when I made the decision to bring her to live with me, how it would affect me. On the one hand, I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to do for so many reasons yet on the other hand, I regretted my loss of independence and solitude so it has been a big adjustment for me and not an easy one. I enjoyed my life and my ability to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it and I had so much more time for creativity. Yet, my heart said I needed to do this and I am growing from the experience and learning more about my own self. It's all a process. I am glad she is here and not alone. I left home when I was 18 and never looked back except with relief that I was gone. Still, it is undeniable that there is always a bond that can't be broken and sometimes it is necessary to step up and do what needs to be done.

We were getting into a routine when I finally got the job that I am loving. On the same day I started work, Mom got sick. I thought maybe she was fudging since I would no longer be at home all day with her but turns out she was really sick and by the second week I was working, we had to put her into the hospital. She was in ICU for several days and then in the hospital for a few more until they moved her to a rehabilitation center near my home. Now, after almost three weeks, she is stronger and feeling better but still not able to meet her own personal needs. We are hoping the rehabilitation will get her to that point so she can come back home to live. I am sure we will need to have help come in during the day but this is all a one-day-at-a-time experience and we'll see how it works out.

Since she's been gone, I've had my house torn apart because I've been painting my bedroom. WHAT A PROCESS! It took me two months to think about it and now almost three weeks to get it done. All that's left is to paint the ceiling, put up the border and then put it all back together. I've been sleeping on the couch with my best pet friend, Wizzie and life has been slightly a-kilter, to say the least. I have learned much during this process and can assure anyone and everyone that the next time house painting needs to be done, I will hire a professional.

I had no time to devote to it last weekend because on Saturday, I had to shop for Mom,, who needed some new gowns and "dusters" which meant a trip to the Mall. I didn't realize it was a "one day sale" weekend and I could hardly find a place to park and the lines and crowds were a challenge. Saturday evening I met friends for dinner and a lingerie party for a friend who is about to jump back into marriage (no, I couldn't talk her out of it...she is "in love!"). Sunday, I met another friend for lunch and then we went to the Rehab Center to visit Mom. My friend, who is a friend from high school, touched my heart with her desire to visit Mom. She took care of her Mom and Dad both and is now taking care of an Aunt so she knows a bit of what I am going through and I'd say she was more giving than me and I could learn a lot from her. It was wonderful to see both of my dear friends and I was feeling resentful of my own SELF (my own selfish self) for wishing I could just be in my home painting. After lunch and the visit with my Mom, I went to visit my daughter and stayed until midnight (which means I didn't get home until 1:00am)and went into Monday feeling like a zombie. It was worth it to be able to hold baby Ethan and play with Ian. I cooked dinner for the family and then cleaned the kitchen so I felt like I'd helped in some small way.

Yet those events with friends don't come by twice and I didn't want to miss them so I've spent another week on the couch and another week looking at the mess and the paint cans, brushes, all the other painting supplies and wishing my room were done and back together and my home in order once again. Maybe this weekend? Yes! My daughter sent me a text yesterday asking me to watch my grandchildren on Saturday and I had to say no although I wanted to say yes. It was a difficult decision for me because I 1)hate saying NO to her and 2)hate missing time with the grandkids. Yet if I don't get the painting done on Saturday, I won't get the bedroom back together on Sunday and I'll roll into another week with everything in disarray and I don't think I can do that and feel good about it. So, I said NO, which was unsettling but necessary.

So, a new job, a new baby, a divorce, a Mom in the hospital and a house in disarray. Yet this weekend, I'll get the house in order and then life will fall back into order. Or will it? Perhaps it's just a "dip" before the climb again? Mom should get back home next week and we'll start the readjustment all over again. It's never boring, is it?

My first few weeks at work I felt like I was running on empty. It's a long commute and by the time I get home, I am feeling exhausted and feeling "my age." I want to just go to bed immediately and I'm glad I don't have a family to look after or a significant other to give time to because quite frankly, I just don't have the energy for it. I honestly don't know how others do it.

I miss the "time" and "space" to paint and write and this is the first time in a long time I've felt good enough to just sit and write and it feels WONDERFUL! I am hoping things will settle down at some point in the near future and I will be able to devote a Saturday to a blank canvas, my jar of brushes and let the energy pervade my soul to create. Somewhere within me is still "an artist in transition." I didn't know how poignant that statement would be when I started this blog a year or so ago. That's life though, isn't it? We are always "in transition" or at least my life seems to be. It's never boring and I am grateful for every minute and for every breath I take and give thanks to GOD for this wonderful ride. Buckle up, find the smile, raise the arms and say "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Sometimes so together...sometimes NOT!

I've always said the only thing consistent about my life is inconsistency and it one of the truest statements I've ever made. I do great for a stretch of time and then I fall down and stumble and have to pull myself back up again. I've been in a dip for about a month now and although so many good and wonderful things have happened and are still happening, I have had such a heavy heart and this morning, I finally let myself feel what I needed to feel, shed a few tears and hopefully, can move on now. At least for a while, until the next time it "hits" me and I go into a dip again.

I'll use first person as I write because, after all, I am writing about ME...but it may be exactly the same for you and you'll understand what I mean, or not. I guess the important part of it all is the pulling myself up and getting it together again. We just have to do it and keep doing it.

I met someone when I was 15 and that person has always been on the periphery of my life, if not actively then in my heart and in my mind and for some reason, in my soul. I have tried, in every way, to release him even to burning 40 years of letters and momentos that I had held on to and cherished. I thought once I'd done that it would be a release and I want a release. I do. I reallllly do. I felt like I'd made some good progress over the past year and then I found myself in a situation where I had to come face-to-face with him and it was killing me to know I was going to have to see him and to be near him and I hated that I felt like that because I didn't want to feel ANYTHING...I wanted it to be the same as if I were looking at a tree. I DON'T WANT to feel ANYTHING for him. He's been my greatest disappointment, as well as my greatest joy, in this life (well, aside from my children, of course).

When I saw him, I did not look him in the eye and I gave him the obligatory hug and held my walls up as high I could so he could not get to me. Inside, I was churning and whirling and spinning and totally out of control with my SELF and I hated it for me. I just don't understand why I feel this way. It is totally irrational. Over the course of a couple of hours (which is the amount of time we were in close proximity) I kept my distance. Then, it happened. He was right in front of me, joining in the conversation and I had to look at him. It was for only a second but in that one moment our eyes connected, for me, time stood still. As quickly as it happened, it passed and he left shortly thereafter and I drank four glasses of champagne quickly and then I left as quickly I could with good graces, went back to my room and went to sleep. I think I gave a good appearance to everyone and looked okay on the outside but inside, I was a total mess. Later that evening, I went to dinner with my kids from Denver and my ex-husband, who I love dearly, almost like a brother at this point. I think I acted completely normal and I felt okay by then because I'd "slept on it."

What I felt, when I allowed myself that brief moment to see into his eyes, was a SOUL connection. I know we have been together in other lives and I know that was not our destiny this time around. Yet my soul just suffers so. The last time we were together (as a couple...and there's been more than one time that was so in this life) was for six years. On a soul level, we totally connect but on this earthly, physical plane we can't seem to maintain a give and take and he acted in ways that were totally unacceptable to me and I acted in ways that were totally unacceptable to him and we were on two totally different levels of being and neither of us was willing, or able, to be anything but exactly who we ARE.

He's materialist, religious, a control freak, a neat freak and very concerned with "outward" appearances and what other people think and he's scared to death the devil is going to get him...all the things I am NOT. I don't need much to make me happy, I get messy and quite frankly don't give a shit what other people think of me as long as I am loving myself. I try not to judge others and I don't want to be judged by others either but if I am...it's THEIR stuff and not mine. I do what I do with a good heart. So, why, why, why, why, why...do I still yearn for this person to be in my life? It's just totally crazy and I do not like this about myself. In fact, I hate it and I just don't know what to do about it. I've gone to therapy, prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take away these feelings and let me be free of it. Most of the time, I am.

So, all of that having been said, I'm climbing back out of the pit today because I've wallowed and suffered over this enough. There is too much to be joyful about to be sad about this any longer and life goes on. I have a great life. I am alone as a woman and I can't see myself being with anyone else so I will end my days alone but that's okay. I guess it's my path this time around and I need to learn something, to grow from this experience. I have had such a good life, in so many ways...and it's not over yet, thankfully!

Well, the answer to my own question has just come to me. God ALWAYS gives us what we need but he doesn't ALWAYS give us what we want. Isn't that the truth. I'm a stronger person because of this experience and I have so much compassion for others who are feeling emotionally fragile, vulnerable, heartbroken, etc. I'm not unique and I think these are common emotions and experiences. What is significant for me, is that I can't seem to let it go, as much as I want to let it go. I live on and life is good, but there's that tender place in my heart that's like a wound that just will never heal. Perhaps that is part of my reason for being in this life? To know how this feels and to learn to live with it. Maybe that's a part of how I grow spiritually? Even if he walked to my door tomorrow with every intention of being together, I know I couldn't do that either. I wouldn't want to do it. Therein lies the dichotomy. Webster's defines dichotomy as something with seemingly contradictory qualities. That's what this is for me...I want to be together, I don't want to be together. Now I ask you, how can I figure that out? It's like trying to look North and South at the same time. Just won't happen. So...life goes on and I live with it.

I met some friends for drinks and dinner last night. It was a farewell dinner for Sandy who is moving to Huntsville. She's started a new life and this is the next step in her adventure. I hope it's all good for her and that she finds the happiness she deserves and that has eluded her in the past. She is a beautiful person, inside and out but sometimes she just can't see it for herself. She seems to have found someone to share her life with who is supportive, loving and sees all of her wonderful qualities. That makes me feel so happy for her.

In about an hour, I'm going to meet another friend for lunch. We haven't been able to get together due to schedules and LIFE getting in our way so when she said she was available today, I said I'd be there. I have other things I'd like to be doing but I wouldn't give up an opportunity to have lunch with a friend because friends are more important that anything else I may have to do today and I cherish and love my friends as much as I cherish and love my solitude. It would be much too easy to become a recluse but I push myself to enjoy friends and family at every opportunity. I think that's part of the aging process in that we can prioritize and housework, for me, is ALWAYS near the bottom of my list of things to do (along with grocery shopping and going to Destin...which is at the very, very bottom of my list).

It is a gorgeous day here and I walked the yard early with my coffee cup in hand. Every day I am gifted with something beautiful bursting into color. I talk to the plants and the flowers and I thank God for all the beauty and for my many blessings. Now, I'm going to take Wiz for a nice walk and then off to meet Debbie for lunch and this afternoon, I'm going to spend CREATING. I'm working on my inventory of cards because I have a booth at the 3rd Annual Historic Buford Art and Jazz Festival on May 9th. I have to get focused and stay busy after today. So, I leave for now but tomorrow, I'll talk more about the Art and Jazz Festival. It should be a blast!

(P.S. ~ The Reid thing is really okay and now that I wrote about it, I'm feeling much better. I've tucked it away again and won't think about it for a while and when I do, I'll remember something with fondness. He's here, in my heart and a part of my soul. That's just a fact of my life and I live with it. It's the best of him and as much as I want so that's a good thing. Yes?! Yes.)

Namaste!