The Joyful Journey ~ 01/17/2011

Two things were mirrored to me as a result of my blog yesterday.

(One)Someone who was once significant to my life apparently took the time to read my post and came back to Facebook to tell me "Bullsh**." At first, it made me angry and then, it just made me sad for him. I'll admit it bothered me. This morning, I picked up the book "In the Spirit" by Susan Taylor and on page 9 she says "We can't experience the love we crave when we are angry or holding grudges." I have spent way too much of my life being angry at this person for one reason or another and he's about the only one I know what can make my blood boil in what is an uncharacteristic manner for me. He's "got my button" which means he's mirroring a part of myself that I need to resolve.

Miss Taylor goes on to say "Expecting them to be who we want them to be, or to operate BEYOND THEIR LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING (my emphasis) is an exercise in frustration for us and is unfair to them. We'd best accept folks as they are, or let them grow on without us." I believe she is on to something there, especially the last part where she says to "let them grow on without us." I closed my eyes,went to my center and channeled pure love to this person. I surrounded him with love and light. I released any negativity towards him and lifted him up to God and with a prayer that all that happen to him be for his higher and better good and that he find his way and his joy in life. I found that any anger I had towards him was gone completely. His derogatory remark could only hurt me if I let it and I choose love over hurt. By sending love to him, I am, in essence, loving myself. I guess that's the next step for me. We can hear something over and over and over in a number of different ways. One day, it's just "clicks" and we hear what we are supposed to hear and THAT is when we are one step closer to realizing our own self. His words have no power over me unless I let them.

Miss Taylor wrote: "Under the influence of love, everything in your life gets better. Clouds begin to dissipate and your sense of inner freedom expands. You realize that you are free to love, free to be, free to create the good life you envision. And so your life becomes the joyful journey that God promises."

So even though that "Bullsh**" could have been destructive (as was intended) it became an opportunity for growth. I think we all have someone in our life who is always saying "bullsh**" to what's important to us. Someone who says "no, you can't" or "you'll never be able to..." That person has value. That person makes us GROW. Until we do, we'll get more of the same. Perhaps today I've realized the value of that person and I can truly get on with the joyful journey. I have to say, it was much easier this time. That's a good thing!

Secondly, a friend suggested that I was ...

Well, I got a "something special" as I was writing this post. My precious friend from my favorite place on EARTH...(Linda Mar)Pacifica, California called to chat. I'll have to get back to that second "mirror" train of thought tomorrow. I have spent my blogging time chatting with CN so it's on with my day and the joyful journey! I am lightened from my contact with my friend and thank GOD for her and our time together this morning.

The message from my morning work was very interesting because after thoroughly shuffling the cards and fanning them out, I drew two of the same cards I drew yesterday. I had to laugh and call it "God's magic trick!" The third card from the draw was in my deck "by mistake?" It was card with the address for the Ordo Templi Orientis in Austin and there was a message indicating that "at first sight one would suppose this arrangement to be arbitrary, but it is not." Pretty cool, wouldn't you agree? So anyhow, to make the above more undstandable to us "everyday" people, there are no accidents and the cards are synchonistic to the message I need to hear for this day. I believe it and so it is!


IT IS A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE...and the BEST is yet to come! Wishing you a joyful journey of your own today!

Namaste!

Look to the future in a spirit of trust...01/16/2011

Sunday, and it is a beautiful day with the sun shining and the snow melting and I can see my driveway from top to bottom! There are still patches of snow, which are pretty, but I think I've had my quota of snow for this winter season!

I had a good time visiting with my friend, JT, at P.F. Chang's yesterday. I was a few minutes late (no surprise there) and almost as soon as I sat down they served the calamari she'd ordered for us and I was singing her praises. JT is very dependable. Not only was she there ON TIME but I'll bet she was a few minutes early. She's my inspiration for more reasons than one.

We had a darling, young red-haired server named Diedrich who became even more darling when he managed to serve my ice cold Cosmo in record time! P.F. Chang's is a traditional meeting place for my friends and me. They have the very best Cosmo in town, as far as I am concerned, and their appetizers are awesome!

I hadn't seen JT in several months so we had a pleasant "happy new year" reunion. She's a writer and an artist although she calls it her "business." She is one of those rare persons who functions on both sides of the brain equally well. In appearance, she's very conservative but her thinking is outside the box! She has a great sense of humor and I find myself chuckling when I'm on my way home at something she said that was so unexpected. I learned yesterday that she had once taken an improv class. I always learn something new about her every time we are together and she is amazing. At first, I thought she was quiet and shy. Once I got to know her better, I realized she is just quiet and peaceful and has a wonderful, open mind but she's not really shy. She is very interested in everything in L~I~F~E and open to exploring spiritual and metaphysical subjects which I totally enjoy. She is structured and that's something I could use more of in my life but at this point, I doubt it going to happen. Maybe in my next incarnation? She's always on time (unlike me) and she approaches things in a step-by-step way (unlike me). There is much I can learn from her! I feel blessed to have her in my life and I'm happy she is my friend. We're salt and pepper but together we season things well!

She has a new hobby (remember, ART is her BUSINESS) and it is knitting. She gave me a knitted hat yesterday and I was so touched. She said it's only the third one she's made but it is adorable and I love it! I had her take this picture of me with my new knitted hat as we left the restaurant yesterday. Perfect fit!

After lunch, we said our goodbyes and JT went next door to Barnes and Nobles and I drove to Loganville. I spent time with my children and grandchildren because it always makes me happy to be around them. It feels like fresh air blowing through me when I'm with them. They always lift my spirit, even when it doesn't need lifting and a hug from one of them is like a grand treat to me and I do not take their love for granted EVER!

Yesterday was a very good day! On in to today and it is 11:11am (hm!?!) and I completed my morning work with the message to look to "look to the future in a spirit of trust!"
JT and I talked about that a little yesterday when we approached the "birds falling from the sky" and "2012" subject. We both agreed that we are not going to live in FEAR and if it is the "apocalypse" or "end times" or whatever the doomsayers want to call it, we are not going to change a thing about the way we live our lives because we are living in gratitude and love on a daily basis. I asked her what she would do different if she knew the world was going to end on 12/21/2012 (my mother's 82nd birthday, by the way) and she said "absolutely nothing." I'm with her. We already know how important it is to start each day in a positive way and to tell/show those we love how much we care in every way we can. We enjoy every minute and we look to the future "in a spirit of trust." We help each other be mindful and that's a good thing for friends to do for and with each other.

I have had friends who are negative and want to argue about everything, especially political or religious. What a waste of time, in my opinion. I got sucked in to it for a while but I quickly realized that was not a place I wanted to be and those friends went by the by. Glad they "passed through" my life and I don't look back. Not any more! It's not that I am ungrateful for each person that has been in my life because in the "soup" of it, they've been meat and potatoes, too. Sometimes though, when the soup's not quite right, it's best to throw it out and start all over, remembering NOT to use a particular ingredient again! Live and learn, Sisters and Brothers, live and learn!

I woke up this morning, got my coffee, came back to bed and turned on the tv and "Dear John" was on HBO. So, I watched it. I've seen it in bits and pieces but I never saw the beginning or the ending...just bits and pieces. It was another "happily ever after" ending but there was so much agony in between the "fall in love" and "we get to be together finally" part that it almost felt real to me. I'm glad I took the time to watch it because I enjoyed it and my heart was warmed. I may be 60 and I've had a really good life and I may alone now and thoroughly enjoying it BUT...and it's a big BUT...I do "look to the future in a spirit of trust!" I know there's a plan for me and I know I won't spend the last few years of my life alone. In fact, I know there's a whole new exciting time about to happen in my life. It will be within the next five years,or sooner and I'll keep you posted. I AM looking to the future in a spirit of trust and I am living TODAY in the same spirit.

Today I am making a pot of red beans and rice because that's what my Mom requested. I love red beans and rice, too and I grew up eating lots of fish and lots of beans. Fish were plentiful as I was in the "luckiest fishing village in the world" and beans were cheap because growing up there meant "service" industry and people in the "service" industry don't make a lot of money. Little did we realize that those are two of the best things to put into the body and today I pay big dollars for that prized piece of fresh fish. Beans are still cheap but I realize the value of them now and for bang for the buck, they are one of the best deals at the market!

I am also continuing work on my "project." Now that I have a big mess in EVERY room, I don't know where to begin but I'll figure it out today, or tomorrow, or the next day. (Time to channel JT and take one step at a time!) So, to that end, I'll get on with the day. Geez, it's half over and I'm still sitting her in my gown with my hair sticking up in 90 different directions. Oh, does that feel delicious!

The message from my "morning work" was this: (S)Enjoy today. (M)Trust in spirituality and all encompassing love. (B)Look to the future in a spirit of trust. So I move into the day being mindful of joy and trust.

Tomorrow, I reschedule the job interview AND drive to Gainesville to apply for unemployment. I'm curious to see what's going to come my way next week but I know it's all good! I TRUST in a good result!

Always remember, it IS a great day to be alive and the best is yet to come! Namaste, my friends.

A Taste of Freedom...01/15/2011

I don't have much time to write this morning but I am trying to keep my promise of being consistent so I am making the time to do this. It will shorten my shower but I'm not that dirty anyhow and who needs makeup?

I am feeling giddy that I am getting out of the house today. Five days of being homebound were beginning to wear on me. I had lots of projects to complete and I still have lots of projects to complete because all I managed to do was make a huge mess by tearing things out of closets, off of bookshelves and now, it's worse than before I began but there is the POSSIBILITY of a great thing happening here and I'm all about possibilities. To go with that is the PROBABILITY and I know it will happen but I just can't say when.

I seem to work best under pressure and since I have my Creative Cluster forming here on Tuesday, I'll have it all back together before then, probably in a tear on Monday and on Tuesday morning but I WILL get it done. I know that about myself and accept it. It's one of the benefits of living alone. No one to berate me for leaving things "out of place" longer than they should be. I think I do it just for the joy of that fact?! Not really. Basically, I think I've just been lazy. Yep, that's it and it has been wonderful!

I'm meeting a friend for lunch today at P.F. Chang's and I'm looking forward to a nice visit while enjoying some lettuce wraps and a couple of ice cold Cosmos. Then, I'm going to take Sabra to a movie and afterwards, I'll drive to Loganville to visit my children and grandchildren. It's shaping up to be a great day OUTSIDE of the house.

Part of me feels badly for Mom because she'll be stuck here by herself but there's nothing to be done for it today. Maybe my brother will come over and visit her or my sister. She'd like that and they could look at my "reorganization projects" (mess) and feel superior because their houses are in order. That's okay. I'm cool with it! What are sisters for if not to make her siblings feel better about themselves! :-)

I didn't do my morning work but I did watch the movie "Legion" this morning. It made me think about hope and faith, two things of which I'm full of for many different things. In fact, I think those are two of my best features. Today, I hope I can get down my driveway and I have faith that I am going to have a great time with other people! I guess hope and faith can work in a lot of different ways. They go hand in hand. In the movie, the hero is asked why he keeps on hoping when he knows all hope is lost. Well, duh. He HOPES so obviously all hope isn't lost and his faith in love and his hope for love are what saves the day for mankind although at the end, when he's driving down the road with the woman who is the object of his affection and the baby who has a mighty journey ahead, it looks so sweet with the three of them and looks like he's gotten all his dreams come true. Then, it pans to the back of the car and it's loaded down with machine guns. Hmmm...I guess faith and hope are good things to have but a machine gun is good for back up when all else fails. Guess I'll get one when I'm at the mall today.

Well, Wiz is whining and I need to jump in the shower so I'll conclude by wishing you a terrific day, filled with hope and faith! (Forget the guns! I'm really more of a "flower power" person!).

It IS a great day to be alive and the best is yet to come! Namaste!

Monday Mornings...

Monday mornings are great! Monday signals new beginnings for me although I do admit that in the past there were times when it meant only the end of a wonderful weekend I was loath to let go.

There have been break-ups, divorce, death, sadness and pain in my last week for people I care about and I feel and am compassionate about their feelings and experiences without letting my own SELF get bogged down in it, knowing they will come out the other side changed but after a time, it can be like a Monday for them, too. Perhaps that makes me come across as a little cold but I am not, I am just hopeful for a new tomorrow, always.

I have experienced loss, of many different types and what I have found is that with every loss comes a new opportunity, a change in direction but life can still be a wonderful, amazing experience if we look for the amazing, wonderful things that are still here. It is difficult to know exactly what to say to someone I care about when they have experienced a loss or are going through a life changing experience such as death or divorce. I want to bring them comfort and facilitate their healing process. I want to "make it better." I know that it is really not within my power or my control but in the power and control of the one who is experiencing the pain and the loss. Sometimes, I think it helps to hear the words from another so there is value in saying what I feel is positive and uplifting.

I've always been a bit of a loner although I enjoy and dearly love my friends and family. I have relied upon my own SELF to get through my sufferings and I'm too prideful to let my pain show. Happiness is an inside job. I know that I am the one that has to find my own happiness and no one else can do it for me and it's not their job anyhow. I consider myself a strong person, able to "roll with the punches" but there have been times in life when I have felt humbled and brought to my knees and wallowed in my own self-pity. Divorce, loss of love, loss of a child, loss of a parent, loss of a friend, loss of love, children leaving home...it's all a part of the process we know as life. Still, I believe in LIFE and I believe in LOVE and more than anything, I believe life goes on regardless of the experiences. As long as I am breathing, there is hope. Hope for a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new path, a new experience.

Many years ago, my brother gave me two little placques for posting on the refrigerator. The quote on one was the "Happiness is an inside job" and the quote on the other is "Along the way, Take the time to smell the flowers." I've tried to model my adult life around those two quotes. I say "tried" because I've not always been successful and I've had my "black holes" but I always manage to pull myself back up, with the help of God and my faith. Another of my favorite quotes is "Faith is the little bird that feels the sun and sings, although the dawn be dark." Another way of hanging on to hope and having faith. If I have given my children nothing else, I hope I have been able to pass on to them this faith and this belief in life.

We all struggle. We struggle with loss, love, finances (always a struggle for all of us in my family but we seem to be able to always "have enough"), moods, divorce, loss of trust, betrayal and sometimes we betray and sometimes we are the betrayed. All a part of life. It is what we do with all of these losses and struggles that define our character and the quality of our life. As long as we keep breathing, there can be a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new opportunity. Let go and move on and MAKE the minute, the day, the week what we need it to be for our own happiness. Grieve, suffer, be depressed. These are all feelings that we experience at one time or another but don't linger long there in the darkness. Feel it and then move on and get back into the sun. We are all capable of it and if not, get some help to find it.

Today I am going to wrap some Christmas gifts, work on my book for my family, write a little, organize a little, enjoy my Mom a little, walk Wizzie and enjoy the fresh air a little, e-mail my friends a little and all those little bits will add up to one big, fine day.

I had someone say to me this morning, "It sure was a crappy weekend outside, wasn't it." Instead of following along with that train of thought, I said, "Yes, it was wet and cold out but it made it that much more comfortable to be inside and I accomplished a lot inside of my house this weekend." It changed the whole tone of the conversation. Yes, it was wet and cold outside but hey, it's December and we have a lot of those days in December. Still, it was a great weekend! I didn't leave my house but it was a fulfilling weekend and this morning, I am sitting here writing in an environment that is neat, orderly and fun to be in because I had the time to make it that way this weekend.

I had a custom wall-unit built for my bedroom and it was installed last week. It was built by Tim Ford and Arlo Alvarez and they knocked my socks off with their expertise. I had a vision and they brought that vision to a reality. Here's a picture of what it looks like and I am happy as a lark with my "new" bedroom!



If you need anything built and you are in Georgia, Tim Ford Woodworking at 678-776-8315 is the place to go for custom woodworking. The work is beautiful and he is a master at creating a lasting and beautiful work of art, of a sort. He is definitely a master craftsman and I highly recommend him.

That having been said, I'm off now to create a wonderful day for myself. I hope you do the same for your own self. Remember..."happiness is an inside job" so work hard at that job and you can succeed admirably!

Namaste, my friends!

Life Goes On

Been a while since I sat down to write here. A lifetime, in fact. At my age, life seems to be on fast forward and I'm afraid it doesn't get any slower as I head toward the finish line.

In the family, there's been a separation that's fast becoming a divorce. The joy of a new baby that has now become a sadness of loss. An appeals hearing travesty that hopefully will go in my favor but was cause of a month's worth of anguish. So much...so many changes.

Yet what occurs to me is that each ending SHOULD be grieved and given it's due but that each ending is also a brand new beginning. Another opportunity. The roads diverged and now that other path is being taken but it may just turn out to be the most glorious one of all.

Along our walk of life (and mine's at a sprint now, as I said) there are many roads and many side trips but they all lead to the same ultimate destination so the reminder to focus on the journey, not the destination feels even more poignant for me today.

I've been so sad for the changes and the hurt and sadness of my loved ones but one of the benefits of being at the sprinting age is that I've already lived through a multitude of changes of my own and KNOW we can come out on the other side, down another road, with equally beautiful trees and equally fun, exciting things to see and do. Had we stayed on the path we were on, we wouldn't have the chance to see and do all that's on the new road.

Look how many years I spent in agonizing anguish because I was not with the one I thought I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Oh, how AWFUL that truly may have been for me. When my daughter lost the baby this week, it came to me to tell her that "God knows what he's doing, even if we don't understand and we need to have trust and faith." I wanted to say that "God knows what SHE is doing but it was on a site that may have caused severe panic and shock throughout the system because a lot of my "old friends" are on there and a lot of my old friends are staunch "good Christians" and I didn't want to offend anyone. Then, last night I watched a movie called "This Thing Called Love" which was River Phoenix's last movie and in it, the heroine writes a song entitled "Maybe God Is A Woman" and I felt a hand on my shoulder saying "yep, it's okay." It made complete sense to me. Synchronistic events occur in my life so often that I'm no longer shocked but pleasantly surprised.

A friend of mine had her home robbed and she's feeling violated. Another friend of a friend who is engaged and about to be married found out his fiancee is cheating on him and she's given him back the ring and told him she no longer loves him. In this case, there are also two children involved who had already come to love him. We're all just barely hanging on to our homes in these tough economic times. My Mom's about to come up to live with me. OH, WOE IS ME...or NOT!!!!

My point is that all of these things need to be grieved or experienced but they don't have to be a bad thing ultimately. It's just another road to travel.

I had an epiphany (another) about my "life long love interest" and once I had it, I find I can't find the sadness I need to write the book I'm working on and I've hit writer's block. Perhaps I've just finally "written it out" which is what I do to my "stuff." Angst is good for the creative process but I suspect it was eating me up and my soul is giving me a reprieve or a respite and I'll get back into the "zone" so I can finish the book but when it's done I will move on to bigger and better things.

I am receiving an incredible amount of new creative energy and am inspired to try new things in my painting and some good work is flowing out of me that is different from my previous work. It's almost like watching a movie and although I'm the one creating, I am also the one being created. It's an interesting concept, at least to me, who thinks about things like that and way too often! I guess I'm wired differently than some but that's okay, too.

My friend Kris has invited me to go to Guatemala with her and although the funds are no where in sight I'm holding the resonance that within the next 30 days, the $$$$ will appear as I am sorely in need of a trip and it is loooong overdue. It will happen if the Universe (She) has it as a part of my plan.

So, all of that having been said, it's a new day and life goes on. Maybe your path will take you down a different road today. Never fear and oh my, look ahead, do you see that beautiful tree with the red leaves being slightly ruffled by the breeze and do you smell that awesome smell of Eucalyptus (or whatever smells nice to you) and ginger lilies and oh, look, a lovely young deer with a white tail just fleeted across the road... lovely, isn't it. Now if you hadn't been forced down this road you would have missed all that beauty and that would have been a shame! Enjoy the journey and keep your eyes open to the joy, the beauty and the love that IS there for you.

Namaste!

Sunday, June 21, 2009 - HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Remembering five wonderful fathers in my life this day! My own Dad, my ex-husband, my son and my two son-in-laws! God bless them!

Well, it's been a pretty exciting couple of weeks for me and I've been so busy I haven't had the time to sit down and blog and I've missed it! I am still an Artist in transition but the total transition will have to wait a few more years but in the mean time, I'll paint whenever I can and make my cards, angels and motivational moments as time permits but I have a new focus to take up a very large percentage of my time and I intend to give it my best effort.

After 7 months of unemployment I am "gainfully" employed once again and excited to be working full time again. I'm excited because this is, hopefully, my LAST project and I am delighted to be working with good people and I hope I will be a good influence and a good employee. I'll do my best, that's for sure.

Working will enable me to get a little more financially secure so that I can get the things I will need when I do art full time, which is retirement which is about 5-1/2 years from now. My goal now is to be able to save enough to do my rafting trip down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon next year. There are adventures ahead for me and helping these good people attain their goals and vision will allow me to do the same for my own self. I feel like God had put me where I am and I am grateful for his goodness!

I'm still in the midst of my "Artist's Way" workshops and a lot of good is coming from the weekly meetings. I'm glad I've still got this going on for another 9 weeks because it will help me to keep myself focused on my art as well as my livlihood. What I have found is that I need to be more organized to accomplish all that I want to accomplish in a day.

I was called Thursday a week ago to come in for an interview, which I did. She called and I showed up! I didn't hear anything on Friday but on Monday, they called me back for another interview and before I left, they offered me the position and I was to start the NEXT MORNING! I didn't even have time to get my head wrapped around it before I dove in. Such is the way of my life. I didn't even think twice, I just say yes and then I praised God all the way home for bringing us together.

It was a bit of a crazy week for me and next week will be even crazier because I'm IT and the girl who I am replacing left on Friday so I've got to start getting things figured out for my own self next week. I will and I'm looking forward to the challenge.

There is no such thing as job security any more so I don't know if this job will last a week, a month, a year or the whole 5-1/2 years but I will take it one day at a time and do my best each day and if it goes the full 5-1/2 years, wonderful and if it doesn't then I know something else will come along but I will do everything within my power to help them be successful. I've worked for two "Entrepreneurs of the Year" and I've got a gut feeling that the man I'm working for now has that same potential. He's very smart and he has a vision AND he seems to be a good family man and that's important to me, too. My family is the most important part of my life so I enjoy working for someone who feels the same way.

I missed painting with my group of artists last week but I am not regretting no longer being able to paint with them. I am, instead, feeling very grateful for the time I had with them and will perhaps see them in the future in some other way. I want to stay in touch with my painting friends, for sure.

Things are pretty good in my life right now. I finally put the "RBJ" "thing" (I don't even know what to call it) to bed...that relationship is now buried and I have a big wreath on the mound that says "Thank you for my lessons learned." Am I looking for another relationship? Nahhh...not yet. I've so much to do right now and there's barely enough time to get through my day and I don't know where I'd fit a relationship in to my schedule. I'm fine without it. I know some people who can't seem to survive without having someone in their life in that capacity. Fortunately for me, I'm not one of those people. I do pretty well on my own and whenever I get lonely, I just grab my grandkids and go have some fun.

Saturday I picked up my 3 Alvarez angels and took them to see the new Ben Stiller movie, "Night at the Museum - Smithsonian" and we had a good time and some good laughs. We ended the evening at Dairy Queen and they walked out with "blizzards" and long spoons! I filled them with candy, popcorn, soda pop, hot dog, popcorn shrimp, french fries and ice cream! I'm a good MIMI! I don't go it often so what the heck. A little sugar never killed anyone, did it? I enjoyed listening to them laugh at the movie and my granddaughter's laugh makes me want to giggle myself! She's such a joy to me!

Well, much still to do but I did want to pop in and say hello and bring you up to date on what's going on with me. Every day, I expect a miracle and I'm never disappointed! Everymore I wake up and thank God for one more day!

I'm so grateful the drought is over and I'm watering as I write (sprinkler) because it was so hot today! This has been a wonderful (and long) Spring and the gardens have been a joy. I still have lots of lilies blooming and now the Glads have started blooming and I have some pink and red ones in a vase in the house. God is good.

It IS a great day to be alive in America! Look for, expect, your miracles, too...I'm sure there are many in store for you!

Sending love and light to all of my wonderful friends. I love you all so much!

Namaste!


This picture was taken on June 11th when I went to the Atlanta Botanical Gardens with my dear friend, Sam. We had a blast and I love this found and this is one of the remaining Dale Chihuley's that remains at the Garden. I LOVE IT! It was a wonderful day and I felt blessed to be able to celebrate the birthday of a special friend in such a wonderful way!

Synchronicity?

Wednesday - 06/10/09 - 9:15am - It is truly a wonderful day and I'm filled with so much energy the air is popping around me. I don't have much time to write this morning because I've got to drop Wiz off at the groomer's at 9:45am and then get to my painting group by 10:00am. It's a tight schedule but it WILL work! I'm so happy to be able to get Wiz in to the groomer's today. I haven't been able to have him groomed as regularly as I would like since the "end of the job" but my brother's paying for this one so I'm sending much gratitude out into the Universe for my precious, generous, kind and so sweet brother, Jack! I love you, Bro! (Just like to say that...tee hee!)

When we started our journey on the "Artists Way" three weeks ago, we were alerted to be aware of synchonicity or events that occur "seemingly out of the blue" but really have relevance and inter-relatedness. This morning, synchronicity and the abundance of it are high on my "I see" list!

Yesterday, I was going through the books at Goodwill and there was "The Way of the Wizard" by Deepak Chopra. I had purchased the tapes years ago (1995-1996) but when I picked up the book yesterday, I was ready to REALLY hear what he had to say. The Way of the Wizard is "Twenty Spiritual Lessons in Creating the Life You Want." Hmmmmm.... The work we are doing at our Artist's Way workshops is about "creating...the life we want...through our "spiritual journey" to creativity and realizing that we each have the power WITHIN us that we need to complete our journey. The Way of the Wizard is about finding that wizard WITHIN us that we need to complete our journey. And not just complete the journey but completing it IN THE WAY WE WANT. It's our choice. It's all within us. The answers are all there. Synchronicity?

The Law of Attraction, Science of Mind, the "Secret" (not really such a secret!)...it's all about changing your thinking, changing your life. How do we change our thinking? Conscious thought? Oh...synchronicity in action in my life!

My affirmations for today are that I follow my heart and I'm open and ready to go where it may lead me. I find the strength I need at my center. My life is IN ORDER and I am ready for my new beginning." WOW. And so it is.

Seems we ALL have everything we need WITHIN. It's when we take the time to BE STILL we can connect with the Universal Spirit, the Oneness, GOD, Goddess, our Higher Self, Higher Power, whatever words you want to use the message is the same.

Is this an epiphany? No! Is it something that I didn't already know? No! Is it something I've been using consciously? No! I am making that conscious choice to live with awareness and I am expecting miracles in my life EVERY DAY...and it's working. Change your mind, change your life. I've heard it and heard it and heard it and I think I am FINALLY getting it. Yes, I am FINALLY getting it!

I hope you GET IT today, too. Those of us who are pseudo-hippies from the "old days" knew all this "back then" and we just got caught up in "the world." More on that tomorrow. It's still all about LOVE...the holy grail...

Time to run but this is getting interesting. Hang in there with me and we'll transition together! Have a beautiful day and NAMASTE!

Sometimes so together...sometimes NOT!

I've always said the only thing consistent about my life is inconsistency and it one of the truest statements I've ever made. I do great for a stretch of time and then I fall down and stumble and have to pull myself back up again. I've been in a dip for about a month now and although so many good and wonderful things have happened and are still happening, I have had such a heavy heart and this morning, I finally let myself feel what I needed to feel, shed a few tears and hopefully, can move on now. At least for a while, until the next time it "hits" me and I go into a dip again.

I'll use first person as I write because, after all, I am writing about ME...but it may be exactly the same for you and you'll understand what I mean, or not. I guess the important part of it all is the pulling myself up and getting it together again. We just have to do it and keep doing it.

I met someone when I was 15 and that person has always been on the periphery of my life, if not actively then in my heart and in my mind and for some reason, in my soul. I have tried, in every way, to release him even to burning 40 years of letters and momentos that I had held on to and cherished. I thought once I'd done that it would be a release and I want a release. I do. I reallllly do. I felt like I'd made some good progress over the past year and then I found myself in a situation where I had to come face-to-face with him and it was killing me to know I was going to have to see him and to be near him and I hated that I felt like that because I didn't want to feel ANYTHING...I wanted it to be the same as if I were looking at a tree. I DON'T WANT to feel ANYTHING for him. He's been my greatest disappointment, as well as my greatest joy, in this life (well, aside from my children, of course).

When I saw him, I did not look him in the eye and I gave him the obligatory hug and held my walls up as high I could so he could not get to me. Inside, I was churning and whirling and spinning and totally out of control with my SELF and I hated it for me. I just don't understand why I feel this way. It is totally irrational. Over the course of a couple of hours (which is the amount of time we were in close proximity) I kept my distance. Then, it happened. He was right in front of me, joining in the conversation and I had to look at him. It was for only a second but in that one moment our eyes connected, for me, time stood still. As quickly as it happened, it passed and he left shortly thereafter and I drank four glasses of champagne quickly and then I left as quickly I could with good graces, went back to my room and went to sleep. I think I gave a good appearance to everyone and looked okay on the outside but inside, I was a total mess. Later that evening, I went to dinner with my kids from Denver and my ex-husband, who I love dearly, almost like a brother at this point. I think I acted completely normal and I felt okay by then because I'd "slept on it."

What I felt, when I allowed myself that brief moment to see into his eyes, was a SOUL connection. I know we have been together in other lives and I know that was not our destiny this time around. Yet my soul just suffers so. The last time we were together (as a couple...and there's been more than one time that was so in this life) was for six years. On a soul level, we totally connect but on this earthly, physical plane we can't seem to maintain a give and take and he acted in ways that were totally unacceptable to me and I acted in ways that were totally unacceptable to him and we were on two totally different levels of being and neither of us was willing, or able, to be anything but exactly who we ARE.

He's materialist, religious, a control freak, a neat freak and very concerned with "outward" appearances and what other people think and he's scared to death the devil is going to get him...all the things I am NOT. I don't need much to make me happy, I get messy and quite frankly don't give a shit what other people think of me as long as I am loving myself. I try not to judge others and I don't want to be judged by others either but if I am...it's THEIR stuff and not mine. I do what I do with a good heart. So, why, why, why, why, why...do I still yearn for this person to be in my life? It's just totally crazy and I do not like this about myself. In fact, I hate it and I just don't know what to do about it. I've gone to therapy, prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take away these feelings and let me be free of it. Most of the time, I am.

So, all of that having been said, I'm climbing back out of the pit today because I've wallowed and suffered over this enough. There is too much to be joyful about to be sad about this any longer and life goes on. I have a great life. I am alone as a woman and I can't see myself being with anyone else so I will end my days alone but that's okay. I guess it's my path this time around and I need to learn something, to grow from this experience. I have had such a good life, in so many ways...and it's not over yet, thankfully!

Well, the answer to my own question has just come to me. God ALWAYS gives us what we need but he doesn't ALWAYS give us what we want. Isn't that the truth. I'm a stronger person because of this experience and I have so much compassion for others who are feeling emotionally fragile, vulnerable, heartbroken, etc. I'm not unique and I think these are common emotions and experiences. What is significant for me, is that I can't seem to let it go, as much as I want to let it go. I live on and life is good, but there's that tender place in my heart that's like a wound that just will never heal. Perhaps that is part of my reason for being in this life? To know how this feels and to learn to live with it. Maybe that's a part of how I grow spiritually? Even if he walked to my door tomorrow with every intention of being together, I know I couldn't do that either. I wouldn't want to do it. Therein lies the dichotomy. Webster's defines dichotomy as something with seemingly contradictory qualities. That's what this is for me...I want to be together, I don't want to be together. Now I ask you, how can I figure that out? It's like trying to look North and South at the same time. Just won't happen. So...life goes on and I live with it.

I met some friends for drinks and dinner last night. It was a farewell dinner for Sandy who is moving to Huntsville. She's started a new life and this is the next step in her adventure. I hope it's all good for her and that she finds the happiness she deserves and that has eluded her in the past. She is a beautiful person, inside and out but sometimes she just can't see it for herself. She seems to have found someone to share her life with who is supportive, loving and sees all of her wonderful qualities. That makes me feel so happy for her.

In about an hour, I'm going to meet another friend for lunch. We haven't been able to get together due to schedules and LIFE getting in our way so when she said she was available today, I said I'd be there. I have other things I'd like to be doing but I wouldn't give up an opportunity to have lunch with a friend because friends are more important that anything else I may have to do today and I cherish and love my friends as much as I cherish and love my solitude. It would be much too easy to become a recluse but I push myself to enjoy friends and family at every opportunity. I think that's part of the aging process in that we can prioritize and housework, for me, is ALWAYS near the bottom of my list of things to do (along with grocery shopping and going to Destin...which is at the very, very bottom of my list).

It is a gorgeous day here and I walked the yard early with my coffee cup in hand. Every day I am gifted with something beautiful bursting into color. I talk to the plants and the flowers and I thank God for all the beauty and for my many blessings. Now, I'm going to take Wiz for a nice walk and then off to meet Debbie for lunch and this afternoon, I'm going to spend CREATING. I'm working on my inventory of cards because I have a booth at the 3rd Annual Historic Buford Art and Jazz Festival on May 9th. I have to get focused and stay busy after today. So, I leave for now but tomorrow, I'll talk more about the Art and Jazz Festival. It should be a blast!

(P.S. ~ The Reid thing is really okay and now that I wrote about it, I'm feeling much better. I've tucked it away again and won't think about it for a while and when I do, I'll remember something with fondness. He's here, in my heart and a part of my soul. That's just a fact of my life and I live with it. It's the best of him and as much as I want so that's a good thing. Yes?! Yes.)

Namaste!

Celebration of Love

Monday morning and I'm glad for the new week. We've all been so wrapped up in wedding preparations and now it's over and the families are all going back to their respective lives and reality is seeping back in and life is settling down and we're on to the next thing.

The "wedding in a meadow" was a beautiful event. The kids were married under a rustic arbor that Elliot and Arlo had made just for the day and it touched my heart in so many ways. It was a beautiful wedding and pretty much what THEY wanted, from invitations to reception. I felt a little left out of the planning process and lost in the middle of it all because I wasn't the one "in charge" and no one seemed to be "in charge" and everyone was wary of stepping on anyone else's toes (a result of "blended families" I suppose) and it felt, for me, out of control but I did the best I knew to do and if I offended someone with what I did or didn't do, oh well...it was never intentional. The most important thing, in my opinion, is that the KIDS were happy with EVERYTHING and so from that perspective, it was a tremendous and wonderful SUCCESS. It certainly was a touching ceremony even if I didn't expect or understand the "readings" which are, I am assuming, an "Episcopal" part of the service and it was a lovely addition to have even more family involved. God certainly shined on those two because the day could not have been any more glorious, full of sunshine and warmth. It was about as perfect a Spring day as one could imagine. (I lifted them up to God/Goddess/All There Is, in my own way when I bowed my head.) The sun was shining brightly, there were sounds of moving water in the background (from a bubbling brook) and birds sang from trees under a cloudless sky. It was glorious.

It seems odd to think of my daughter being a part of another family now. I went to the home of her new family the morning after the wedding to offer help to clean up since they had hosted the reception (since the kids were married on their property) and most everything had already been cleaned up but I did what I could do or was asked. For some reason, it felt a little "frosty" and I am not understanding why but can't worry about it so I am just letting it go (I guess I felt "judged" and I don't know why so that was a bit uncomfortable for me. It was like I'd done something wrong but I don't know what I did, if you know what I mean.). My grandson, Ian, was there, sleeping and it felt odd not to see him or hold him and to step back and let them have "their" time with him. They don't get to enjoy him as often I do so it was the right thing to do.

The rehearsal was interesting because Jenny and Jessica got lost on the way up and they arrived in the meadow an hour and a half after the rehearsal was supposed to begin...but we got through the rehearsal just fine and then got to the rehearsal dinner where Elliot's Mother had prepared a nice Greek meal. Afterwards, my WHOLE family went back to the hotel and it felt so good to know that ALL of my children were under one roof, as well as their Dad. That doesn't happen too often! My room had two queen beds so I had my 3 grandsons and 2 granddaugther's spend the night in my room and it was cozy and comforting to have all of them in my room, if a bit crowded. They didn't seem to mind and I sure enjoyed seeing all of them as they slept so peacefully!

My brother and sister totally missed the wedding ceremony and arrived just as it was all over and everyone had headed up to the house for the reception. Fortunately, Jenny was still in the meadow talking to friends so my brother, Jack, gave her a ride up to the house on his Harley. We've got the pictures to share! I felt badly for my brother because he spent a lot of time, effort and money to be at her wedding and he was distressed to have been late (that's another story...you'd have to know my sister to understand). My sister (who was traveling in a car behind my brother and his wife who were on the motorcycle) had made the jewelry that Jen was to wear in the wedding (and it obviously didn't make it in time). As it was, Jen had to borrow jewelry from Elliot's stepmother to wear (which didn't make me happy) but Jenny was, as she is about almost everything, cool with it. She put it on when Mechelle got there and was happy enough. Poor Mechelle was as distraught as my brother but it is what it is and they missed it so we'll show them the pictures and at least they made the reception and got to see the toast, cake-cutting, etc.

Part of the reason Jenny and Jess were late getting to the rehearsal is that they went to pick up the cakes. Well, unfortunately, the wedding cake somehow fell over in the box (going up the mountain roads, I guess) so it looked like a leaning tower of Pisa when it came out of the box. Jen and Elliot took it all in stride and it still tasted wonderful. It was a 3-layer cake, very simple with their initials and a curl of fresh daisy's as decoration. Elliot's cake was a drum (because he is a drummer, of course) and it was equally delicious and fortunately, suffered no damage. Oh, and the cake knives were left in the box at the hotel so we had to use one of Elliot's Mom's knives for them to cut the cake. At least Elliot remembered the "bridge and groom" glasses when we did the champagne toast. We were getting ready to do the toast and Elliot looked at Jenny and said "where are our glasses?" and then she remembered and Jess went to get them! As I said, NO ONE was in CONTROL of anything but EVERYTHING worked out just fine! Elliot's brother offered up a touching, heart felt toast and then we put Jessica (Jen's sister) on the spot and she offered up a very sweet toast. It was lovely.

I saw my old boyfriend (who I had hoped to never have to see again) and it was okay to see him and I had a nice wall that will never be let down again so it didn't hurt to see him. I was happy he was able to be there to see Jen married as it was always my dream that he would be a part of it so I guess it was a dream come true although not exactly as I had once envisioned it. There was still that little place within me that was holding the hand of her own first love...I guess that's okay...still I was sitting next to the man who was the REAL partner in my life and who I love dearly still).

The best part of everything, for me, was having my son, his wife and two children, my older daughter, her husband and three children, my ex-husband (and friend) and Jenny all TOGETHER in one place and I hugged and kissed them all as much as I possibly could! I also especially loved seeing Jen's grandmother and her half-brother and yes, it was nice to see Reid, too. That was as exciting to me as the actual wedding ceremony (which was much too traditional for my taste but it wasn't my ceremony...but THEIRS and that's what they wanted).

Jen and Elliot were already a couple in my mind as they have a child, just bought a home and have a promise to each other and a life together. The ceremony cemented it FOR THEM and ON PAPER FOR POSTERITY. Elliot was brought up "in the church" so this was all very important to him and his family who are still active in their church. Jen's great-grandfather was a Presbyterian minister and her Grandmother rarely misses a Sunday at the church she has attended for years. I guess the "church" is more-or-less in her blood. I'm sure they will incorporate the church as a part of their lives and Ian's (who was baptised (?) or is it christened (?) in the Episcopal church the Saturday before Easter. I didn't attend but not for any reason other than I was tired because I had a shower for Jenny the same day and the event for Ian was in the evening.).

I, personally, don't align myself with a particular church but with God/Goddess/All There Is (for God is neither male or female in my opinion...God is the "nameless") and don't feel the need for the church for support. However, that having been said, I do attend Church, on occasion, when Spirit moves me and it doesn't matter the denomination because I don't believe the teachings of any one particular church but I go to Church to celebrate God and because the church is a symbol of God's house. I love to take communion for the same reason. However, I feel as close to God when I am working in my garden or walking in nature or sitting in my chair, as I am now because GOD is always with me, no matter when I am, God is right here with me. So why do I need to go to a church to celebrate and worship God? I don't. I have been involved with different churches over the course of my (seemingly long) life and have been a "born-again Christian (Baptist Church when I was 24) witnessing on street corners and praying to bring souls to Jesus so they wouldn't go to hell. I've chanted Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo and recited portions of the Lotus Sutra to the fundamental Object of Worship called the Gohonzon when I was learning about and practicing Nichoren Shoshu Buddhism. I've stood, genuflecgted and sat in Catholic churches including the Basilica in Washington, DC (where I took communion even though I "wasn't Catholic"...I told my good Catholic friend that I didn't think God would mind...as I lined up for the wafer and wine) and Catholic churches all over South America (thanks, Kris) and I took my confirmation at 12 years old in the Destin Presbyterian Church. I've read my St. James version of the Bible (which was a gift on my 24th birthday from B.J. Stevens) several times, especially the New Testament. I've read The Bhagavad-Gita, The Tibetan Book of the Dead, The Essential Kabbalah, the Tao Te Ching, studied Joseph Campbell's and Carl Jung's beliefs and on and on...so MANY different views and ways to reach enlightenment and grow spiritually and yet it all comes right back to me...sitting here in this chair as I write...with GOD in me...a part of me. And that GOD within is celebrating the love my daughter feels for her new husband and for her child and her family. It is the LOVE that is the most important part of ALL...for GOD IS LOVE and what more is there? May their love deepen and grow throughout the days of their lives and may they raise their child(ren) in the way that seems most appropriate to them, be it in the Episcopal Church or not and may they always listen to their HEARTS and the GOD WITHIN instead of basing their lives on a canon or what someone else tells them is truth for there are many truths. Okay, so I got off on a tangent there but organized religion makes me a little nervous, especially when one is told "this is the ONLY way..." However, I understand the purpose and the meaning behind organized religion and accept that it is "A" way and necessary for some. God speakes to each of us in a different way and the churches do a lot of GOOD in this world, too so that's a good thing.

Wow, writing this blog today has had me "all over the place." Bottom line...the wedding was beautiful, the kids are now a Mr. and Mrs., family and friends came together to witness, celebrate and share in love...it is ALL GOOD...God is good, my family is healthy, happy and all three of my children have WONDERFUL people as mates who love them dearly and whom they love equally and good lives before them with healthy, happy children. It's all a Mother could ask for her children.

So, to Jen and Elliot...I celebrate your LOVE and wish you joy, happiness ,togetherness, prosperity and health...all the days of your lives.

Wishing everyone a glorious, love-filled day!

Namaste!