I have my breakfast tray on the desk beside me and this morning it’s black coffee, steaming grits with lots of black pepper, and cinnamon raisin toast with raspberry jam. Wiz just lifted his head over the top of my monitor and he’s looking at me like he really wants to go for a walk. Patience! I’m enjoying my breakfast and some blogging time and then I’ll take him for a walk if I can get off the driveway. If not, he can “do his bidness” and then come on back in! Well, that was probably more than you wanted to know but the blog this morning seems to have taken on a life of its own and it’s called consciousness streaming so I’m just going to sit back and let it go where it wants! Hang on!
I got up at 6:30am, even before the alarm went off. I had it set for 6:45am and I was excited to see that I had an extra 15 minutes this morning. I considered it a gift, got up and turned off the alarm and went into the kitchen and got a “Timothy’s” brand expresso k-cup for the Kuerig coffee maker. I bought the coffee maker for my Mom for Christmas but I am enjoying it as much, if not more, that she. It’s the height of decadence! In less than 2 minutes I have a steaming hot cup of coffee in my hands and it tastes the same as if it were brewed in my espresso machine. Instant gratification. That’s what I’m talking about and we are getting so spoiled but I am happy to be spoiled in this way because I do love my morning coffee and if I don’t have to wait for it, well, I have to say it’s ALMOST as nice as having someone bring me a cup of coffee in bed. Oh, that took me someplace else and I could explore that train of thought more but I’ll leave that one alone this morning. Uh oh, had to take a moment there and let my mind play with that thought and I have to say visions of RP or JD, scantily clad in perhaps only a smile, holding a tray with my morning coffee came to mind. Stop it, Sabra! You are a wild child! Oh! Behave!
Okay, so, breathing deeply and moving on now. I did my three pages of long-hard writing as required by the “Artist’s Way” program. Our creative cluster was scheduled to start on Tuesday but we’ve moved it to next Tuesday because of the snow. I’ve been reviewing the book and workbook and getting back in the habit of the three long-hand pages each morning. It requires a certain amount of discipline but the effort is so worth it. For some reason, the book is not resonating with me as strongly as it has in the past and the word “recovery” really puts me off so I substitute the word “discovery” and that feels better. The 12-Step program is so evident in her work and that makes me think of a “recovering alcoholic” of which I’ve had one in my life who turned out to be the greatest disappointment of my life and the worst mistake I ever made although it did have its moments and something of lasting value did come out of the relationship. So just the fact that the word recovery brings up this “stuff” from my subconscious means that I am ready to work with it and move through it from a subconscious to a conscious level and then I can truly let go of all the negativity and be free to fill the place where that “stuff” currently is being held with goodness and light. It is time to forgive.
I have pulled all my books off the shelves and am in a major reorganization process (what to do when you are snowed in, #1). It is a process because I find myself looking through the books and finding places I’d highlighted and remembering where my head was at the time I was reading the book. I have a lot of books so this has taken me all week and today IS the day I get everything back in its place. I’ve been categorizing by subject matter for easy reference.
One of the books I perused yesterday was “Finding Each Other” by Mary Olsen Kelly and Don Kelly. It was published in 1992 which is around the time of my divorce so I was exploring my options and whenever I have questions about life, I go to the bookstore! The book I need usually jumps out at me. The sidebar on the book is “How to attract your ideal life mate using powerful visualizations, creative journaling, and personalized rituals.” Whew! From my underlines and highlights, it looks like I got as far as Chapter I, “Healing Past Loves.” Perhaps that’s why I am still alone. I’ve never really gotten beyond “healing past loves” and it’s because I have such a hard time forgiving my very own SELF! I will say that the Introduction and Chapter I contained some valuable information to which I could totally relate. On page 10 they tell me “Soul mates are partners who are bound by a karmic link that causes them to reincarnate to experience love together and spiritually evolve together.” They tell me that by reading the book, learning the concepts and doing the exercises, I will learn how to “heal and release past relationships.” They go on to say that they believe “it is never too late to find love in your life.” They tell me not to think of them as “experts” but as “guides on an emotional safari through the jungle of romance and relationships.” Well, I have to agree with them that it’s a jungle out there and after getting through that last stretch of wilderness, I’m not so inclined to go back into the jungle. Do you know what I mean?
The Kelly’s do offer some “power tools” to help me on the journey. Power tool number 2 is “forgive others” and they define this as “giving up the desire to punish yourself or to punish the other person.” They go on to tell me “As you grow and heal, however, it is like a flower opening petal by petal.” Power tool number 3 is “releasing the past.” According to them, “Forgiveness is the most powerful tool for healing the past but the next best tool is to “simply release the past.” Oh yeah, like that’s really easy. I’m told, “Remember, you are the only one suffering! You are the one who feels the pain, not your ex-lover. Chances are that your ex is long gone, off enjoying a new life and new loves.” No shit! But, I can choose to let go of the pain, “right this minute” (and they even italicize that statement) if I like. It is my choice and I can choose to let it all go; bless, forgive, and move on.
Maybe that’s why I never finished the book. I prefer a different kind of power tool. I HAVE forgiven but I will never FORGET and for now, I rather enjoy being alone. So, I guess I decided I wasn’t too interested in finding my soul mate. Guess I’m still not. Yet, I had fun reading through the book (at least through chapter one) and when I am really ready to find my soul mate, I can go back to the book and finish it and then I am sure he will materialize. After all, it’s only been 9 years since the divorce and then another 3 since the last relationship (and truly the most devastating and disappointing of ANY other thing in my life) so I’m still in the “renewing” process. That last one took me to my knees and I sure won’t make that mistake again. He was putz and I didn’t even want to see it until it was way past the point when I should have seen it and had been told and warned and yet I wanted to believe.
Wow, and just where, Sabra, did all of that come from? I watched a movie with Uma Thurman yesterday called “Motherhood.” In the movie, she was a frustrated writer trying to write a story about what motherhood meant to her. The movie addressed how having two young children changes a relationship and how the passion gets lost between two people when the responsibilities of children become the most important part of a woman’s life. Also, how a person (both man and woman) can lose their dreams and become stuck in a job or a situation that is less than what they had planned because they need to earn an income to support the family or to be at home to support the family. It addressed how tiring it can be just to do everything that needs to be done domestically to make “life” work. Up to this point, I could totally relate and then, it became the “feel good movie” with the “happy ending” that is just so much bullshit. He finds a book, sells it for $24,000 since it is a first edition signed copy and even though he would have loved to keep it for himself, he sold it just so they could pay for daycare and preschool for a couple of years so she could pursue her dream of writing. On the one hand, I thought the movie addressed some very real issues and on the other hand, it was a fairy tale with a happy ending. It is those happy endings that give HOPE to so many of us who want to BELIEVE in the fairy tale. I guess it’s pretty much the same reason I bought the book “Finding Each Other.” I want to believe in the fairy tale and I want to live happily ever after. Don’t you?
Just flashed on a memory of when I was living in the Boston area. I was in a book store and there was a pin, like a lapel pin with a saying on it. I have the pin on my visor to this very day (and that purchase was made back in 1992!) It says…”Leave me alone! I’m living happily ever after!”
Oh, but wait…that is EXACTLY what I am doing in my own way! I am snug as a bug in a rug, tucked in here with my trusty computer and my best pet friend, Wizzie, listening to beautiful music, a full day planned, and although I don’t have a “soul mate” my life is good and I am happy and peaceful. I do forgive myself. I do forgive ABC and XYZ and I cherish the good times. I do release the past and any pain or negativity surrounding either them or me and wish all of us only peace, love and joy. I know that when I am ready, he (my soul mate) will be there for me. I’m not ready yet. I have my Mom to take care of and other things to accomplish before I can give the proper amount of attention to another person. I AM HAPPY! It seems hard for some to believe that I can be happy even though I am alone and there must be something wrong with me. I don’t think so. I’m just not ready! And I don’t think it has anything to do with forgiving and releasing the past. I’m just not ready for another relationship because relationships are TIME consumptive and right now, I love my TIME to do the things I want and enjoy doing, like writing this blog. If you don’t journal, I highly recommend it!
Wow, I knew when I started the blog this morning it was going to be like the Kelly’s “emotional safari.” We've been all over the jungle this morning!
Let me share my morning reading and offer more food for thought and hopefully my work will bring some light into your day, too!
As always, I use the positive affirmations for each of the cards. I drew the 7 of Disks (Failure), I Magus and 2 of Swords (Peace). [7 Disks] I am ready to move through my fears of failure and focus on the positive. I believe that all that happens in my life (including the past failures) are for the best and help me grow and become more of who I am meant to be in this life. [I Magus] It is true that the full expression of my creative potential fulfills me and makes me happy and satisfied. [2 Swords] Deep peace fills my heart. Summarized, when I release my fears of failure, I allow my creativity to flow and when I am creative, I am at peace. It's all good!
And so it is! A great message for what is going to be a FANTASTIC day! Time now to finish up “Project Reorganization.” This really is a Spring project but since I’m “snowed in” it’s a great time for this project and when Spring comes, I’m just going to put the top down on my little pony and take a long ride!
Dreaming of Spring!
Remember, it IS a great day to be alive and the best is yet to come! Namaste!
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