Sometimes so together...sometimes NOT!

I've always said the only thing consistent about my life is inconsistency and it one of the truest statements I've ever made. I do great for a stretch of time and then I fall down and stumble and have to pull myself back up again. I've been in a dip for about a month now and although so many good and wonderful things have happened and are still happening, I have had such a heavy heart and this morning, I finally let myself feel what I needed to feel, shed a few tears and hopefully, can move on now. At least for a while, until the next time it "hits" me and I go into a dip again.

I'll use first person as I write because, after all, I am writing about ME...but it may be exactly the same for you and you'll understand what I mean, or not. I guess the important part of it all is the pulling myself up and getting it together again. We just have to do it and keep doing it.

I met someone when I was 15 and that person has always been on the periphery of my life, if not actively then in my heart and in my mind and for some reason, in my soul. I have tried, in every way, to release him even to burning 40 years of letters and momentos that I had held on to and cherished. I thought once I'd done that it would be a release and I want a release. I do. I reallllly do. I felt like I'd made some good progress over the past year and then I found myself in a situation where I had to come face-to-face with him and it was killing me to know I was going to have to see him and to be near him and I hated that I felt like that because I didn't want to feel ANYTHING...I wanted it to be the same as if I were looking at a tree. I DON'T WANT to feel ANYTHING for him. He's been my greatest disappointment, as well as my greatest joy, in this life (well, aside from my children, of course).

When I saw him, I did not look him in the eye and I gave him the obligatory hug and held my walls up as high I could so he could not get to me. Inside, I was churning and whirling and spinning and totally out of control with my SELF and I hated it for me. I just don't understand why I feel this way. It is totally irrational. Over the course of a couple of hours (which is the amount of time we were in close proximity) I kept my distance. Then, it happened. He was right in front of me, joining in the conversation and I had to look at him. It was for only a second but in that one moment our eyes connected, for me, time stood still. As quickly as it happened, it passed and he left shortly thereafter and I drank four glasses of champagne quickly and then I left as quickly I could with good graces, went back to my room and went to sleep. I think I gave a good appearance to everyone and looked okay on the outside but inside, I was a total mess. Later that evening, I went to dinner with my kids from Denver and my ex-husband, who I love dearly, almost like a brother at this point. I think I acted completely normal and I felt okay by then because I'd "slept on it."

What I felt, when I allowed myself that brief moment to see into his eyes, was a SOUL connection. I know we have been together in other lives and I know that was not our destiny this time around. Yet my soul just suffers so. The last time we were together (as a couple...and there's been more than one time that was so in this life) was for six years. On a soul level, we totally connect but on this earthly, physical plane we can't seem to maintain a give and take and he acted in ways that were totally unacceptable to me and I acted in ways that were totally unacceptable to him and we were on two totally different levels of being and neither of us was willing, or able, to be anything but exactly who we ARE.

He's materialist, religious, a control freak, a neat freak and very concerned with "outward" appearances and what other people think and he's scared to death the devil is going to get him...all the things I am NOT. I don't need much to make me happy, I get messy and quite frankly don't give a shit what other people think of me as long as I am loving myself. I try not to judge others and I don't want to be judged by others either but if I am...it's THEIR stuff and not mine. I do what I do with a good heart. So, why, why, why, why, why...do I still yearn for this person to be in my life? It's just totally crazy and I do not like this about myself. In fact, I hate it and I just don't know what to do about it. I've gone to therapy, prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take away these feelings and let me be free of it. Most of the time, I am.

So, all of that having been said, I'm climbing back out of the pit today because I've wallowed and suffered over this enough. There is too much to be joyful about to be sad about this any longer and life goes on. I have a great life. I am alone as a woman and I can't see myself being with anyone else so I will end my days alone but that's okay. I guess it's my path this time around and I need to learn something, to grow from this experience. I have had such a good life, in so many ways...and it's not over yet, thankfully!

Well, the answer to my own question has just come to me. God ALWAYS gives us what we need but he doesn't ALWAYS give us what we want. Isn't that the truth. I'm a stronger person because of this experience and I have so much compassion for others who are feeling emotionally fragile, vulnerable, heartbroken, etc. I'm not unique and I think these are common emotions and experiences. What is significant for me, is that I can't seem to let it go, as much as I want to let it go. I live on and life is good, but there's that tender place in my heart that's like a wound that just will never heal. Perhaps that is part of my reason for being in this life? To know how this feels and to learn to live with it. Maybe that's a part of how I grow spiritually? Even if he walked to my door tomorrow with every intention of being together, I know I couldn't do that either. I wouldn't want to do it. Therein lies the dichotomy. Webster's defines dichotomy as something with seemingly contradictory qualities. That's what this is for me...I want to be together, I don't want to be together. Now I ask you, how can I figure that out? It's like trying to look North and South at the same time. Just won't happen. So...life goes on and I live with it.

I met some friends for drinks and dinner last night. It was a farewell dinner for Sandy who is moving to Huntsville. She's started a new life and this is the next step in her adventure. I hope it's all good for her and that she finds the happiness she deserves and that has eluded her in the past. She is a beautiful person, inside and out but sometimes she just can't see it for herself. She seems to have found someone to share her life with who is supportive, loving and sees all of her wonderful qualities. That makes me feel so happy for her.

In about an hour, I'm going to meet another friend for lunch. We haven't been able to get together due to schedules and LIFE getting in our way so when she said she was available today, I said I'd be there. I have other things I'd like to be doing but I wouldn't give up an opportunity to have lunch with a friend because friends are more important that anything else I may have to do today and I cherish and love my friends as much as I cherish and love my solitude. It would be much too easy to become a recluse but I push myself to enjoy friends and family at every opportunity. I think that's part of the aging process in that we can prioritize and housework, for me, is ALWAYS near the bottom of my list of things to do (along with grocery shopping and going to Destin...which is at the very, very bottom of my list).

It is a gorgeous day here and I walked the yard early with my coffee cup in hand. Every day I am gifted with something beautiful bursting into color. I talk to the plants and the flowers and I thank God for all the beauty and for my many blessings. Now, I'm going to take Wiz for a nice walk and then off to meet Debbie for lunch and this afternoon, I'm going to spend CREATING. I'm working on my inventory of cards because I have a booth at the 3rd Annual Historic Buford Art and Jazz Festival on May 9th. I have to get focused and stay busy after today. So, I leave for now but tomorrow, I'll talk more about the Art and Jazz Festival. It should be a blast!

(P.S. ~ The Reid thing is really okay and now that I wrote about it, I'm feeling much better. I've tucked it away again and won't think about it for a while and when I do, I'll remember something with fondness. He's here, in my heart and a part of my soul. That's just a fact of my life and I live with it. It's the best of him and as much as I want so that's a good thing. Yes?! Yes.)

Namaste!