I don't have much time to write this morning but I am trying to keep my promise of being consistent so I am making the time to do this. It will shorten my shower but I'm not that dirty anyhow and who needs makeup?
I am feeling giddy that I am getting out of the house today. Five days of being homebound were beginning to wear on me. I had lots of projects to complete and I still have lots of projects to complete because all I managed to do was make a huge mess by tearing things out of closets, off of bookshelves and now, it's worse than before I began but there is the POSSIBILITY of a great thing happening here and I'm all about possibilities. To go with that is the PROBABILITY and I know it will happen but I just can't say when.
I seem to work best under pressure and since I have my Creative Cluster forming here on Tuesday, I'll have it all back together before then, probably in a tear on Monday and on Tuesday morning but I WILL get it done. I know that about myself and accept it. It's one of the benefits of living alone. No one to berate me for leaving things "out of place" longer than they should be. I think I do it just for the joy of that fact?! Not really. Basically, I think I've just been lazy. Yep, that's it and it has been wonderful!
I'm meeting a friend for lunch today at P.F. Chang's and I'm looking forward to a nice visit while enjoying some lettuce wraps and a couple of ice cold Cosmos. Then, I'm going to take Sabra to a movie and afterwards, I'll drive to Loganville to visit my children and grandchildren. It's shaping up to be a great day OUTSIDE of the house.
Part of me feels badly for Mom because she'll be stuck here by herself but there's nothing to be done for it today. Maybe my brother will come over and visit her or my sister. She'd like that and they could look at my "reorganization projects" (mess) and feel superior because their houses are in order. That's okay. I'm cool with it! What are sisters for if not to make her siblings feel better about themselves! :-)
I didn't do my morning work but I did watch the movie "Legion" this morning. It made me think about hope and faith, two things of which I'm full of for many different things. In fact, I think those are two of my best features. Today, I hope I can get down my driveway and I have faith that I am going to have a great time with other people! I guess hope and faith can work in a lot of different ways. They go hand in hand. In the movie, the hero is asked why he keeps on hoping when he knows all hope is lost. Well, duh. He HOPES so obviously all hope isn't lost and his faith in love and his hope for love are what saves the day for mankind although at the end, when he's driving down the road with the woman who is the object of his affection and the baby who has a mighty journey ahead, it looks so sweet with the three of them and looks like he's gotten all his dreams come true. Then, it pans to the back of the car and it's loaded down with machine guns. Hmmm...I guess faith and hope are good things to have but a machine gun is good for back up when all else fails. Guess I'll get one when I'm at the mall today.
Well, Wiz is whining and I need to jump in the shower so I'll conclude by wishing you a terrific day, filled with hope and faith! (Forget the guns! I'm really more of a "flower power" person!).
It IS a great day to be alive and the best is yet to come! Namaste!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
01/14/2011 - Day 5 of Being Snowed In!
It’s Friday and after almost a week of being snowed in, I’m thinking I may get out of the house today, if only to shovel the driveway so I can move my car. It has been covered in snow for 5 days and my little pony does NOT like cold weather as it is! Yes, this is DAY FIVE of the biggest snow/ice storm in the history of Atlanta or at least for as long as I’ve been here. I am not here to complain about the weather because it is what it is and truth be known, I’m snuggled in here with Wizzie rolling around scratching his back and shaking the bed but I don’t’ mind. I’m so happy and in love with that little guy he can scratch and shake all he wants.
I have my breakfast tray on the desk beside me and this morning it’s black coffee, steaming grits with lots of black pepper, and cinnamon raisin toast with raspberry jam. Wiz just lifted his head over the top of my monitor and he’s looking at me like he really wants to go for a walk. Patience! I’m enjoying my breakfast and some blogging time and then I’ll take him for a walk if I can get off the driveway. If not, he can “do his bidness” and then come on back in! Well, that was probably more than you wanted to know but the blog this morning seems to have taken on a life of its own and it’s called consciousness streaming so I’m just going to sit back and let it go where it wants! Hang on!
I got up at 6:30am, even before the alarm went off. I had it set for 6:45am and I was excited to see that I had an extra 15 minutes this morning. I considered it a gift, got up and turned off the alarm and went into the kitchen and got a “Timothy’s” brand expresso k-cup for the Kuerig coffee maker. I bought the coffee maker for my Mom for Christmas but I am enjoying it as much, if not more, that she. It’s the height of decadence! In less than 2 minutes I have a steaming hot cup of coffee in my hands and it tastes the same as if it were brewed in my espresso machine. Instant gratification. That’s what I’m talking about and we are getting so spoiled but I am happy to be spoiled in this way because I do love my morning coffee and if I don’t have to wait for it, well, I have to say it’s ALMOST as nice as having someone bring me a cup of coffee in bed. Oh, that took me someplace else and I could explore that train of thought more but I’ll leave that one alone this morning. Uh oh, had to take a moment there and let my mind play with that thought and I have to say visions of RP or JD, scantily clad in perhaps only a smile, holding a tray with my morning coffee came to mind. Stop it, Sabra! You are a wild child! Oh! Behave!
Okay, so, breathing deeply and moving on now. I did my three pages of long-hard writing as required by the “Artist’s Way” program. Our creative cluster was scheduled to start on Tuesday but we’ve moved it to next Tuesday because of the snow. I’ve been reviewing the book and workbook and getting back in the habit of the three long-hand pages each morning. It requires a certain amount of discipline but the effort is so worth it. For some reason, the book is not resonating with me as strongly as it has in the past and the word “recovery” really puts me off so I substitute the word “discovery” and that feels better. The 12-Step program is so evident in her work and that makes me think of a “recovering alcoholic” of which I’ve had one in my life who turned out to be the greatest disappointment of my life and the worst mistake I ever made although it did have its moments and something of lasting value did come out of the relationship. So just the fact that the word recovery brings up this “stuff” from my subconscious means that I am ready to work with it and move through it from a subconscious to a conscious level and then I can truly let go of all the negativity and be free to fill the place where that “stuff” currently is being held with goodness and light. It is time to forgive.
I have pulled all my books off the shelves and am in a major reorganization process (what to do when you are snowed in, #1). It is a process because I find myself looking through the books and finding places I’d highlighted and remembering where my head was at the time I was reading the book. I have a lot of books so this has taken me all week and today IS the day I get everything back in its place. I’ve been categorizing by subject matter for easy reference.
One of the books I perused yesterday was “Finding Each Other” by Mary Olsen Kelly and Don Kelly. It was published in 1992 which is around the time of my divorce so I was exploring my options and whenever I have questions about life, I go to the bookstore! The book I need usually jumps out at me. The sidebar on the book is “How to attract your ideal life mate using powerful visualizations, creative journaling, and personalized rituals.” Whew! From my underlines and highlights, it looks like I got as far as Chapter I, “Healing Past Loves.” Perhaps that’s why I am still alone. I’ve never really gotten beyond “healing past loves” and it’s because I have such a hard time forgiving my very own SELF! I will say that the Introduction and Chapter I contained some valuable information to which I could totally relate. On page 10 they tell me “Soul mates are partners who are bound by a karmic link that causes them to reincarnate to experience love together and spiritually evolve together.” They tell me that by reading the book, learning the concepts and doing the exercises, I will learn how to “heal and release past relationships.” They go on to say that they believe “it is never too late to find love in your life.” They tell me not to think of them as “experts” but as “guides on an emotional safari through the jungle of romance and relationships.” Well, I have to agree with them that it’s a jungle out there and after getting through that last stretch of wilderness, I’m not so inclined to go back into the jungle. Do you know what I mean?
The Kelly’s do offer some “power tools” to help me on the journey. Power tool number 2 is “forgive others” and they define this as “giving up the desire to punish yourself or to punish the other person.” They go on to tell me “As you grow and heal, however, it is like a flower opening petal by petal.” Power tool number 3 is “releasing the past.” According to them, “Forgiveness is the most powerful tool for healing the past but the next best tool is to “simply release the past.” Oh yeah, like that’s really easy. I’m told, “Remember, you are the only one suffering! You are the one who feels the pain, not your ex-lover. Chances are that your ex is long gone, off enjoying a new life and new loves.” No shit! But, I can choose to let go of the pain, “right this minute” (and they even italicize that statement) if I like. It is my choice and I can choose to let it all go; bless, forgive, and move on.
Maybe that’s why I never finished the book. I prefer a different kind of power tool. I HAVE forgiven but I will never FORGET and for now, I rather enjoy being alone. So, I guess I decided I wasn’t too interested in finding my soul mate. Guess I’m still not. Yet, I had fun reading through the book (at least through chapter one) and when I am really ready to find my soul mate, I can go back to the book and finish it and then I am sure he will materialize. After all, it’s only been 9 years since the divorce and then another 3 since the last relationship (and truly the most devastating and disappointing of ANY other thing in my life) so I’m still in the “renewing” process. That last one took me to my knees and I sure won’t make that mistake again. He was putz and I didn’t even want to see it until it was way past the point when I should have seen it and had been told and warned and yet I wanted to believe.
Wow, and just where, Sabra, did all of that come from? I watched a movie with Uma Thurman yesterday called “Motherhood.” In the movie, she was a frustrated writer trying to write a story about what motherhood meant to her. The movie addressed how having two young children changes a relationship and how the passion gets lost between two people when the responsibilities of children become the most important part of a woman’s life. Also, how a person (both man and woman) can lose their dreams and become stuck in a job or a situation that is less than what they had planned because they need to earn an income to support the family or to be at home to support the family. It addressed how tiring it can be just to do everything that needs to be done domestically to make “life” work. Up to this point, I could totally relate and then, it became the “feel good movie” with the “happy ending” that is just so much bullshit. He finds a book, sells it for $24,000 since it is a first edition signed copy and even though he would have loved to keep it for himself, he sold it just so they could pay for daycare and preschool for a couple of years so she could pursue her dream of writing. On the one hand, I thought the movie addressed some very real issues and on the other hand, it was a fairy tale with a happy ending. It is those happy endings that give HOPE to so many of us who want to BELIEVE in the fairy tale. I guess it’s pretty much the same reason I bought the book “Finding Each Other.” I want to believe in the fairy tale and I want to live happily ever after. Don’t you?
Just flashed on a memory of when I was living in the Boston area. I was in a book store and there was a pin, like a lapel pin with a saying on it. I have the pin on my visor to this very day (and that purchase was made back in 1992!) It says…”Leave me alone! I’m living happily ever after!”
Oh, but wait…that is EXACTLY what I am doing in my own way! I am snug as a bug in a rug, tucked in here with my trusty computer and my best pet friend, Wizzie, listening to beautiful music, a full day planned, and although I don’t have a “soul mate” my life is good and I am happy and peaceful. I do forgive myself. I do forgive ABC and XYZ and I cherish the good times. I do release the past and any pain or negativity surrounding either them or me and wish all of us only peace, love and joy. I know that when I am ready, he (my soul mate) will be there for me. I’m not ready yet. I have my Mom to take care of and other things to accomplish before I can give the proper amount of attention to another person. I AM HAPPY! It seems hard for some to believe that I can be happy even though I am alone and there must be something wrong with me. I don’t think so. I’m just not ready! And I don’t think it has anything to do with forgiving and releasing the past. I’m just not ready for another relationship because relationships are TIME consumptive and right now, I love my TIME to do the things I want and enjoy doing, like writing this blog. If you don’t journal, I highly recommend it!
Wow, I knew when I started the blog this morning it was going to be like the Kelly’s “emotional safari.” We've been all over the jungle this morning!
Let me share my morning reading and offer more food for thought and hopefully my work will bring some light into your day, too!
As always, I use the positive affirmations for each of the cards. I drew the 7 of Disks (Failure), I Magus and 2 of Swords (Peace). [7 Disks] I am ready to move through my fears of failure and focus on the positive. I believe that all that happens in my life (including the past failures) are for the best and help me grow and become more of who I am meant to be in this life. [I Magus] It is true that the full expression of my creative potential fulfills me and makes me happy and satisfied. [2 Swords] Deep peace fills my heart. Summarized, when I release my fears of failure, I allow my creativity to flow and when I am creative, I am at peace. It's all good!
And so it is! A great message for what is going to be a FANTASTIC day! Time now to finish up “Project Reorganization.” This really is a Spring project but since I’m “snowed in” it’s a great time for this project and when Spring comes, I’m just going to put the top down on my little pony and take a long ride!
Dreaming of Spring!
Remember, it IS a great day to be alive and the best is yet to come! Namaste!
I have my breakfast tray on the desk beside me and this morning it’s black coffee, steaming grits with lots of black pepper, and cinnamon raisin toast with raspberry jam. Wiz just lifted his head over the top of my monitor and he’s looking at me like he really wants to go for a walk. Patience! I’m enjoying my breakfast and some blogging time and then I’ll take him for a walk if I can get off the driveway. If not, he can “do his bidness” and then come on back in! Well, that was probably more than you wanted to know but the blog this morning seems to have taken on a life of its own and it’s called consciousness streaming so I’m just going to sit back and let it go where it wants! Hang on!
I got up at 6:30am, even before the alarm went off. I had it set for 6:45am and I was excited to see that I had an extra 15 minutes this morning. I considered it a gift, got up and turned off the alarm and went into the kitchen and got a “Timothy’s” brand expresso k-cup for the Kuerig coffee maker. I bought the coffee maker for my Mom for Christmas but I am enjoying it as much, if not more, that she. It’s the height of decadence! In less than 2 minutes I have a steaming hot cup of coffee in my hands and it tastes the same as if it were brewed in my espresso machine. Instant gratification. That’s what I’m talking about and we are getting so spoiled but I am happy to be spoiled in this way because I do love my morning coffee and if I don’t have to wait for it, well, I have to say it’s ALMOST as nice as having someone bring me a cup of coffee in bed. Oh, that took me someplace else and I could explore that train of thought more but I’ll leave that one alone this morning. Uh oh, had to take a moment there and let my mind play with that thought and I have to say visions of RP or JD, scantily clad in perhaps only a smile, holding a tray with my morning coffee came to mind. Stop it, Sabra! You are a wild child! Oh! Behave!
Okay, so, breathing deeply and moving on now. I did my three pages of long-hard writing as required by the “Artist’s Way” program. Our creative cluster was scheduled to start on Tuesday but we’ve moved it to next Tuesday because of the snow. I’ve been reviewing the book and workbook and getting back in the habit of the three long-hand pages each morning. It requires a certain amount of discipline but the effort is so worth it. For some reason, the book is not resonating with me as strongly as it has in the past and the word “recovery” really puts me off so I substitute the word “discovery” and that feels better. The 12-Step program is so evident in her work and that makes me think of a “recovering alcoholic” of which I’ve had one in my life who turned out to be the greatest disappointment of my life and the worst mistake I ever made although it did have its moments and something of lasting value did come out of the relationship. So just the fact that the word recovery brings up this “stuff” from my subconscious means that I am ready to work with it and move through it from a subconscious to a conscious level and then I can truly let go of all the negativity and be free to fill the place where that “stuff” currently is being held with goodness and light. It is time to forgive.
I have pulled all my books off the shelves and am in a major reorganization process (what to do when you are snowed in, #1). It is a process because I find myself looking through the books and finding places I’d highlighted and remembering where my head was at the time I was reading the book. I have a lot of books so this has taken me all week and today IS the day I get everything back in its place. I’ve been categorizing by subject matter for easy reference.
One of the books I perused yesterday was “Finding Each Other” by Mary Olsen Kelly and Don Kelly. It was published in 1992 which is around the time of my divorce so I was exploring my options and whenever I have questions about life, I go to the bookstore! The book I need usually jumps out at me. The sidebar on the book is “How to attract your ideal life mate using powerful visualizations, creative journaling, and personalized rituals.” Whew! From my underlines and highlights, it looks like I got as far as Chapter I, “Healing Past Loves.” Perhaps that’s why I am still alone. I’ve never really gotten beyond “healing past loves” and it’s because I have such a hard time forgiving my very own SELF! I will say that the Introduction and Chapter I contained some valuable information to which I could totally relate. On page 10 they tell me “Soul mates are partners who are bound by a karmic link that causes them to reincarnate to experience love together and spiritually evolve together.” They tell me that by reading the book, learning the concepts and doing the exercises, I will learn how to “heal and release past relationships.” They go on to say that they believe “it is never too late to find love in your life.” They tell me not to think of them as “experts” but as “guides on an emotional safari through the jungle of romance and relationships.” Well, I have to agree with them that it’s a jungle out there and after getting through that last stretch of wilderness, I’m not so inclined to go back into the jungle. Do you know what I mean?
The Kelly’s do offer some “power tools” to help me on the journey. Power tool number 2 is “forgive others” and they define this as “giving up the desire to punish yourself or to punish the other person.” They go on to tell me “As you grow and heal, however, it is like a flower opening petal by petal.” Power tool number 3 is “releasing the past.” According to them, “Forgiveness is the most powerful tool for healing the past but the next best tool is to “simply release the past.” Oh yeah, like that’s really easy. I’m told, “Remember, you are the only one suffering! You are the one who feels the pain, not your ex-lover. Chances are that your ex is long gone, off enjoying a new life and new loves.” No shit! But, I can choose to let go of the pain, “right this minute” (and they even italicize that statement) if I like. It is my choice and I can choose to let it all go; bless, forgive, and move on.
Maybe that’s why I never finished the book. I prefer a different kind of power tool. I HAVE forgiven but I will never FORGET and for now, I rather enjoy being alone. So, I guess I decided I wasn’t too interested in finding my soul mate. Guess I’m still not. Yet, I had fun reading through the book (at least through chapter one) and when I am really ready to find my soul mate, I can go back to the book and finish it and then I am sure he will materialize. After all, it’s only been 9 years since the divorce and then another 3 since the last relationship (and truly the most devastating and disappointing of ANY other thing in my life) so I’m still in the “renewing” process. That last one took me to my knees and I sure won’t make that mistake again. He was putz and I didn’t even want to see it until it was way past the point when I should have seen it and had been told and warned and yet I wanted to believe.
Wow, and just where, Sabra, did all of that come from? I watched a movie with Uma Thurman yesterday called “Motherhood.” In the movie, she was a frustrated writer trying to write a story about what motherhood meant to her. The movie addressed how having two young children changes a relationship and how the passion gets lost between two people when the responsibilities of children become the most important part of a woman’s life. Also, how a person (both man and woman) can lose their dreams and become stuck in a job or a situation that is less than what they had planned because they need to earn an income to support the family or to be at home to support the family. It addressed how tiring it can be just to do everything that needs to be done domestically to make “life” work. Up to this point, I could totally relate and then, it became the “feel good movie” with the “happy ending” that is just so much bullshit. He finds a book, sells it for $24,000 since it is a first edition signed copy and even though he would have loved to keep it for himself, he sold it just so they could pay for daycare and preschool for a couple of years so she could pursue her dream of writing. On the one hand, I thought the movie addressed some very real issues and on the other hand, it was a fairy tale with a happy ending. It is those happy endings that give HOPE to so many of us who want to BELIEVE in the fairy tale. I guess it’s pretty much the same reason I bought the book “Finding Each Other.” I want to believe in the fairy tale and I want to live happily ever after. Don’t you?
Just flashed on a memory of when I was living in the Boston area. I was in a book store and there was a pin, like a lapel pin with a saying on it. I have the pin on my visor to this very day (and that purchase was made back in 1992!) It says…”Leave me alone! I’m living happily ever after!”
Oh, but wait…that is EXACTLY what I am doing in my own way! I am snug as a bug in a rug, tucked in here with my trusty computer and my best pet friend, Wizzie, listening to beautiful music, a full day planned, and although I don’t have a “soul mate” my life is good and I am happy and peaceful. I do forgive myself. I do forgive ABC and XYZ and I cherish the good times. I do release the past and any pain or negativity surrounding either them or me and wish all of us only peace, love and joy. I know that when I am ready, he (my soul mate) will be there for me. I’m not ready yet. I have my Mom to take care of and other things to accomplish before I can give the proper amount of attention to another person. I AM HAPPY! It seems hard for some to believe that I can be happy even though I am alone and there must be something wrong with me. I don’t think so. I’m just not ready! And I don’t think it has anything to do with forgiving and releasing the past. I’m just not ready for another relationship because relationships are TIME consumptive and right now, I love my TIME to do the things I want and enjoy doing, like writing this blog. If you don’t journal, I highly recommend it!
Wow, I knew when I started the blog this morning it was going to be like the Kelly’s “emotional safari.” We've been all over the jungle this morning!
Let me share my morning reading and offer more food for thought and hopefully my work will bring some light into your day, too!
As always, I use the positive affirmations for each of the cards. I drew the 7 of Disks (Failure), I Magus and 2 of Swords (Peace). [7 Disks] I am ready to move through my fears of failure and focus on the positive. I believe that all that happens in my life (including the past failures) are for the best and help me grow and become more of who I am meant to be in this life. [I Magus] It is true that the full expression of my creative potential fulfills me and makes me happy and satisfied. [2 Swords] Deep peace fills my heart. Summarized, when I release my fears of failure, I allow my creativity to flow and when I am creative, I am at peace. It's all good!
And so it is! A great message for what is going to be a FANTASTIC day! Time now to finish up “Project Reorganization.” This really is a Spring project but since I’m “snowed in” it’s a great time for this project and when Spring comes, I’m just going to put the top down on my little pony and take a long ride!
Dreaming of Spring!
Remember, it IS a great day to be alive and the best is yet to come! Namaste!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
01/13/2011 - Day 4 of "Being Snowed In!"
Yes, today is DAY 4 of being snowed in. My car is still covered in snow and my driveway is one long ice slick. However, I am warm, well-fed and happy with my situation. For breakfast this morning, I got creative with the muffins.
Yes, I used the silicone butterfly muffin cups, which I highly recommend, by the way. Nothing has ever stuck in those little muffin cups and it makes me giggle to see the butterflies! I started with packaged “blueberry muffin mix (Martha White, I think) and then added some cut up, fresh strawberries to the mix. Then I decorated them with a slice on top. Must look as good as it tastes, don't you agree?!?
Since there are only five, I surmise that by now you’ve guessed Sabra ate one and you would be right! It was delicious! I'm going to have another with Mom when she gets up.
So, you may be asking yourself what I’ve been doing with my time while I’ve been “snowed in.” I have been busy reading, writing (and making pretty muffins!) besides playing rummy with my Mother. As you know, my 81-year-old Mom lives with me and I believe it is part of my duty to keep her entertained at least once or twice a day so since she loves to play rummy, I sit and play cards with her and let her tease me unmercifully while maintaining my patience.
I’ve also been doing my “morning work” fairly consistently. This is what my coffee table looks like this morning:
My morning work is an essential part of my creative process. I love to start my day with my spirit/mind/body (physical) tarot reading. It gives me an idea of what to expect and what to be aware of in my day. There are always so many opportunities for growth. This is my "message" for today:
The VIII, Adjustment/Justice card keeps coming up for me and it is also my growth card for the year. So, what does that mean? It’s the question I’ve been pondering since January 1st and I’ve looked at several different sources in my attempt to understand what it is that I am meant to know or to learn so that I can grow and become more of who I am meant to be. I look at all the sources I have available and then I go within to seek the answers that are relevant for me. The main message is about taking responsibility for my own self and recognizing personal responsibility in everything I experience.
That seems to fit with my belief that we “create our own reality” (have you heard that one before?) by either CREATING or ALLOWING something into our experience. Good, old (and he is OLD now!) Zig Ziglar said that we can have anything we want in our life by focusing on the good, the pure, the powerful, the positive and the optimistic. He said, succinctly, what so many others have said and we all hear it in the way we need to hear it when we are ready to hear it. “Change your thinking, change your life.”
William James said it best when he said "The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you be."
That message (VIII-Adjustment/Justice) was in the “physical” position today. In the “spirit” position I got the 10 of Swords which is “Ruin.” It means I am ready to move through a fear of ruin that has been sitting on me. I am ready to bring peace and order back into my physical reality and it starts, always, on the spiritual level. In the “mind” position came the beautiful Princess of Disks which signifies mastery of creativity and birth of new forms. When the new is given birth, the light is brought to the earth. So, with ruin, creative mastery and adjustment as my message for today, I know that I need to work on getting my room in order and reorganizing my books which is a project that has been on my plate for several months now. Once that has been done, I am setting up a “creative space” in the corner of my living room so I can paint again. I’m ready! I release my fears and negativity, fill with the new and from that will come balance and peace. That’s what my message is for today, at least as far as I understand it now. By the end of the day, I am sure I will understand even more what the message meant for me.
Pretty cool, huh? I love the Thoth Tarot because of the art and the mixture of symbols, mythology, color, and, in my opinion, it is the most beautiful of all the cards available and the most "intelligent" of all the cards available. However, I haven't really explored any other sets in depth because I knew this was the Tarot for me from the first time I picked up the pack. After 13 years of working with it, I know it was the right choice for me. For you, it may be something else. For me, it's my way of "touching God" within and without. It's a meditation while for someone else, it may be a prayer. What's important is that we touch God (or allow God to touch us) in a way that makes sense to our life. What do you think?
Here’s what Day 4 looks like from my kitchen window:
The footprints are my brother’s. I tried to go out but slipped enough to get nervous about maybe breaking a bone slipping on the ice and I decided I’d wait until it melted, which it will by Saturday when it will get up to 50! It’s all good. That looks like snow but it’s more like a long slick of ice right now. Those footprints were made two days ago, too, when it was still more like snow than ice. This is a rare occurrence here in the Atlanta area and the whole town has shut down. We haven’t even had mail all week!
Well, it’s been fun sitting here sharing with you but now it’s time for me to get up and heed my message of the morning. Much to do today and I’m very excited about being productive. Orange is the color of creativity (also sexuality but that’s for another day!)so I conclude this morning by sharing one of my paintings honoring the creative energy of the Universe. I meditate on this painting when I want to open my second chakra (energy center)and get it spinning and whirling and putting off sparks! I hope you enjoy the painting and I hope you enjoy your day. It’s your gift to do with what you will. Make it a great day for YOU!
It IS a great day to be alive and the best is yet to come! Namaste, my friends!
Yes, I used the silicone butterfly muffin cups, which I highly recommend, by the way. Nothing has ever stuck in those little muffin cups and it makes me giggle to see the butterflies! I started with packaged “blueberry muffin mix (Martha White, I think) and then added some cut up, fresh strawberries to the mix. Then I decorated them with a slice on top. Must look as good as it tastes, don't you agree?!?Since there are only five, I surmise that by now you’ve guessed Sabra ate one and you would be right! It was delicious! I'm going to have another with Mom when she gets up.
So, you may be asking yourself what I’ve been doing with my time while I’ve been “snowed in.” I have been busy reading, writing (and making pretty muffins!) besides playing rummy with my Mother. As you know, my 81-year-old Mom lives with me and I believe it is part of my duty to keep her entertained at least once or twice a day so since she loves to play rummy, I sit and play cards with her and let her tease me unmercifully while maintaining my patience.
I’ve also been doing my “morning work” fairly consistently. This is what my coffee table looks like this morning:
My morning work is an essential part of my creative process. I love to start my day with my spirit/mind/body (physical) tarot reading. It gives me an idea of what to expect and what to be aware of in my day. There are always so many opportunities for growth. This is my "message" for today:
The VIII, Adjustment/Justice card keeps coming up for me and it is also my growth card for the year. So, what does that mean? It’s the question I’ve been pondering since January 1st and I’ve looked at several different sources in my attempt to understand what it is that I am meant to know or to learn so that I can grow and become more of who I am meant to be. I look at all the sources I have available and then I go within to seek the answers that are relevant for me. The main message is about taking responsibility for my own self and recognizing personal responsibility in everything I experience.
That seems to fit with my belief that we “create our own reality” (have you heard that one before?) by either CREATING or ALLOWING something into our experience. Good, old (and he is OLD now!) Zig Ziglar said that we can have anything we want in our life by focusing on the good, the pure, the powerful, the positive and the optimistic. He said, succinctly, what so many others have said and we all hear it in the way we need to hear it when we are ready to hear it. “Change your thinking, change your life.”
William James said it best when he said "The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you be."
That message (VIII-Adjustment/Justice) was in the “physical” position today. In the “spirit” position I got the 10 of Swords which is “Ruin.” It means I am ready to move through a fear of ruin that has been sitting on me. I am ready to bring peace and order back into my physical reality and it starts, always, on the spiritual level. In the “mind” position came the beautiful Princess of Disks which signifies mastery of creativity and birth of new forms. When the new is given birth, the light is brought to the earth. So, with ruin, creative mastery and adjustment as my message for today, I know that I need to work on getting my room in order and reorganizing my books which is a project that has been on my plate for several months now. Once that has been done, I am setting up a “creative space” in the corner of my living room so I can paint again. I’m ready! I release my fears and negativity, fill with the new and from that will come balance and peace. That’s what my message is for today, at least as far as I understand it now. By the end of the day, I am sure I will understand even more what the message meant for me.
Pretty cool, huh? I love the Thoth Tarot because of the art and the mixture of symbols, mythology, color, and, in my opinion, it is the most beautiful of all the cards available and the most "intelligent" of all the cards available. However, I haven't really explored any other sets in depth because I knew this was the Tarot for me from the first time I picked up the pack. After 13 years of working with it, I know it was the right choice for me. For you, it may be something else. For me, it's my way of "touching God" within and without. It's a meditation while for someone else, it may be a prayer. What's important is that we touch God (or allow God to touch us) in a way that makes sense to our life. What do you think?
Here’s what Day 4 looks like from my kitchen window:
The footprints are my brother’s. I tried to go out but slipped enough to get nervous about maybe breaking a bone slipping on the ice and I decided I’d wait until it melted, which it will by Saturday when it will get up to 50! It’s all good. That looks like snow but it’s more like a long slick of ice right now. Those footprints were made two days ago, too, when it was still more like snow than ice. This is a rare occurrence here in the Atlanta area and the whole town has shut down. We haven’t even had mail all week!
Well, it’s been fun sitting here sharing with you but now it’s time for me to get up and heed my message of the morning. Much to do today and I’m very excited about being productive. Orange is the color of creativity (also sexuality but that’s for another day!)so I conclude this morning by sharing one of my paintings honoring the creative energy of the Universe. I meditate on this painting when I want to open my second chakra (energy center)and get it spinning and whirling and putting off sparks! I hope you enjoy the painting and I hope you enjoy your day. It’s your gift to do with what you will. Make it a great day for YOU!
It IS a great day to be alive and the best is yet to come! Namaste, my friends!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
2011 - Chakras, Tarot, Personal Growth, Lions, Tigers and Bears, OH MY!
Welcome 2011! I chose that painting because it has all the colors of the chakras and then I noticed that it is upside down. I painted the picture some years back and gave it to my daughter who has it on her wall. When I was at her house Christmas, I decided to take a couple of pictures of some of the paintings. Obviously, I didn't sign this one so she placed it in the position that made the most sense to her and I love that she did it! She captured my journey. I long to stay in upper chakras but my life is about learning to live in the lower chakras. The green, the color of the heart chakra is the place of peace for me. I live my life sensually, stimulated by sounds, colors and textures. I've studied color therapy and aromatherapy and other "therapy" and conclude there is true and value to all of it FOR ME! For those who don't know, chakras are energy centers in the body and an ancient wisdom. So much of what I find valuable in my life is ancient although new to me. There's a quote that comes to mind that "there is nothing new under the sun" and I understand the truth in that quote.
I won't get into a discourse about the chakras here but there's plenty of information on the internet if you are interested in knowing more. If not, that's okay, too.
Every year for the past 13 years, on January 1st I do a "Whole Person Reading" which I learned about in Angeles Arrien's book "The Tarot Handbook." On page 267 she writes: "The Whole Person Spread or the Celtic Cross Spread is the oldest spread in all of Tarot history. It is the spread that has survived since the Middle Ages." She goes on to say "It is the best spread to do, once a year, as an overview for the quality of work that you want to manifest in all arenas of your life, personally, professionally, and spiritually."
I will share with you my reading for 2011, if you're interested. At the end of this year, I will go back and revisit this reading and gain a greater understanding of ME for that's my entire purpose for doing the reading. I want to understand ME better. That is what my writing is all about, after all. I want to understand ME better. And, if in my process and in the sharing of my own process YOU can understand YOU better and we are both enlightenen and enriched by the knowledge then light has shined through and that's also what I desire.
I have been learning about the Thoth Tarot since 1997 and there is so much I still don't know and if I lived to be 500 years old, I doubt I would still know all there is to know. I am so interested in EVERYTHING and sometimes I become so over stimulated and go in so many different directions I have to take a moment to center and balance or I may implode or self-fragment. Do you ever feel that way? There is so much to know and I want it all and right now!
I have purchased a number of other books about the Thoth Tarot and learned something different from each and took what felt right and incorporated it into my "library" and let the rest go. My two favorites are two of my oldest and Angeles Arrien's book is a great book for beginners as is "Tarot ~ Mirror of the Soul" by Gerd Ziegler.
I love Gerd's book because in his foreword, written in 1984, he says that "Just as we use a mirror to observe our exterior, we can use the images of the Tarot to approach our inner reality." He goes on to say "Many people are afraid to confront their inner reality." In the next paragraph he says "...we learn to accept and love ourselves only when we stop trying to hide, and hide from, our inner reality."
Gerd Zeigler says "We can use the Tarot as a map, drawn in symbols, indicating the roadsigns on the inner path." Going one step further, Angeles Arrien states "The Tarot is a symbolic map of consciousness and an ancient book of wisdom that reveals to us visually and symbolically the creative ideas and states of consciousness that appear in multiple existence in ALL CULTURES!" (My emphasis)
Again, there's a wealth of information out there if you're interested but it is so easy, especially for me, to be overwhelmed by the wealth of information. I'm taking it one, two, three or four books at a time! If you'd like to see my reading, just send me an e-mail or a comment and I am happy to share. I did save it in pdf format but don't know how to share it here so I'll leave it as an "if you are interested, ask and I will share!"
Well, I have much to accomplish this afternoon but I have been meaning to sit down and write and the hardest part is to just start, as it always is..."the journey of a thousand miles" and all that!
So, enough of the esoteric and on to the personal...
Job/Professional - Job ended 01/07/11 without burning any bridges. It was a good mirror for me. It was difficult to be around all the angst and petty manipulations and working in an office with ALL women, most of whom still get their periods kept me in a place of being grateful that all of that is behind me. I felt, most days, as if I were in the "Twilight Zone" as my head is so far from the reality of that job that it took every minute on the way to work to get my "mind right" and go in and do what needed to be done. It wasn't a good fit. On the one hand, I believe in the premise. They are fundraisers and a large part of the money does go to help people who need it. I buy into that and I love it! On the other hand, it was a microcosm of life and there was a rigidity and corporate structure I just do not fit into and never have in any job with that structured mentality. It doesn't allow for creativity and really sits on personal growth. Anyhow, I do not want to say anything negative as I did fall in love with each individual for who they were and I was interested in their path. I felt like the ugly duckling in the pack and now that I've been "kicked out" I can find my true home. It's all good and I will hold the memories of that job close for more reasons than one and I wish them all nothing but success and happiness. For my part, I am glad it's over and I believe I left the "position" in a much better state than when I walked into it and I did a good job with the tools they gave me. So, I think that's a win-win and now I'm on to the next thing God has planned for me and I can't wait!
I did have a job interview scheduled for Tuesday (because I was supposed to take Mom to a Doctor's appointment on Monday) but both had to be "delayed" because we are "snowed in" which is something rare in the Atlanta area where I live. I can't get down my driveway and my car is covered in about 4 inches of snow. So, it will all have to wait until next week. I've used my "snowed in" time to rest, rejuvenate, clear my energy and get ready to rock and roll in 2011.
I'm forming a creative cluster and we're meeting on Tuesday nights at my house (again delayed because of the snow) and I feel a whole new creative burst coming in 2011. I have an idea for a Spring Retreat to follow the 12-week process we begin next week. I'm considering New Beginnings in Dahlonega as a venue and a Mind/Body/Spirit retreat that I'll open to about 6-8 people to keep it an intimate experience.
My focus this year is on health and personal growth. I am going to give more attention to diet, exercise and I will treat myself bi-monthly to a massage. I deserve it! Personal growth is on the agenda for EVERY YEAR of my life as is spiritual growth, which is really at the very top.
My Mom is still living with me and she had her 81st birthday on December 21st. It's interesting living with a parent and having to adjust my life. I was perfectly happy all by myself with my Wizzie as my best pet friend yet God intended more for me. I won't say I accepted it all with as much dignity as I could have but I am doing what I feel is right and I'm trying to take care of her as best I can without losing my mind. She's not a difficult person to live with but between her craziness and mine it gets a little touchy at times. I try to see each day with her as a gift and an opportunity to learn more about myself (the goal of L-I-F-E). I try to be patient, kind, giving, loving and attentive. AND I am trying to also stay aware of taking care of ME! SABRA! I feel honor bound to do this for her and I guess being the oldest of four children, it's just a part of who I am. I couldn't bear the thought of her living out her days all alone in Destin. So, she's with me. Still, that doesn't mean I cannot continue to honor my own self and my own needs.
That's part of my process for 2011. I want to paint and fall in love with my yard and gardening again. All of that died within me for a while but I feel it bubbling up again. It's been an interesting journey since my lucrative job ended in 2008. Not only did I lose my job but I lost a best friend at the same time and those are two hard things to lose at one time. I took the time to help my Mother out of her quagmire while falling into my own as a result.
At some point, I will have to go back to Destin with her. I had hoped my brother would do it but it looks like that will fall on my shoulders again. I loathe the thought of going there and it makes the bile rise up in my throat just to think about it. Yet I will do it if I must and I'll prepare myself before I go. Some people think Destin, Florida is one of the greatest places on Earth. Not to me. It's a reminder of pain, sadness, suffering and I really have absolutely NO HAPPY MEMORIES of the place nor any desire to ever go there again. Yet one must sometimes do that which causes one the most pain, I suppose. Is that resignation or my walk through fire to become more of who I am meant to be? I don't know the answer to that questions right now. I'll get back to you when I figure it out.
Wizzie, at 15, is still my best buddy and although he is deaf, he is still getting around pretty and still loves a good walk.
I've been in my house five years which is a very long time for me to be in one place. There are many things to be said about home ownership but I believe I just may be a gypsy at heart and my fondest dream is a "mansion on 4-wheels" where I can live, travel, read, paint, study, and stay in beautiful places for as long as I want or move on if the spirit moves me. I'm not attached to the house although I love it dearly. I will sell it someday to someone who will appreciate it "specialness" when I no longer have Mom with me. When that happens, I will be out to see you...in my "mansion on 4-wheels!" That is "somewhere down the road" though!
So, let's see...job, Mom, Wiz, home, oh...family...Well, my family is all healthy and happy, for the most part. There was a divorce in the family last year that was pretty devastating for all of us but life goes on and we continue to love them all. Right now there's a "separation" due to a financial situation but it's temporary and at least it is NOT a divorce. We had a new baby enter our lives last year and what a blessing that always is! There are now 7 grandchildren and each is perfect and beautiful and special in their own way.
So, that leaves only "relationship." Not much to say about that one. There isn't a significant other in my life (besides Wizzie) and I'm not really open to one right now. Maybe later or whenever God sees fit to put someone in my path but I'm not looking and don't really have the time or the inclination. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to kiss and hug but then I remember there's always more that goes with it (even if you can kick them out the next morning) and I just don't want to put my energy there at this time. Maybe down the road but not yet. I'll keep you posted. For now, I'm seeing a "mansion on 4 wheels" only big enough for one but two can travel twice as far so we'll see when the time comes. It might be nice to find another gypsy and if he's an artist, that would be awesome, too!
I am excited about 2011. This year begins a new cycle for me and it is a growth year! Hope yours is equally exciting.
More to come! Stay posted! It IS a great day to be alive and the best is yet to come! NAMASTE my friends!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Strength, Grace and Wisdom - December 1, 2010 - Morning Meditation
Acrylic on Canvas, 16"X20" - "Path to Higher Consciousness" - NOT FOR SALE! :-)
As suggested by Sarah Ban Breathnac in her wonderful 1995 book, "Simple Abundance" today I am praying for strength, grace and wisdom.
As I was writing in my journal at 3:00am this morning when I couldn't sleep it occurred to me that sometimes I feel as if I am living the "wrong" life or I am in a dream life awaiting to awaken to my "real" life. After pondering that train of thought for a while, I decided to try to get back to sleep by reading. I picked Sarah's book off the shelf and turned to December 1st which is entitled "Charmed Lives."
The Universe will always provide an answer to my questions and if I stay aware, I will realize the gift of guidance when it comes. The answer I received to "why is my life not what I want it to be" was that I need to focus on strength, grace and wisdom because those are the tools I need to live the life that I am given. I knew when I started to read the December 1st entry in Sarah's book that God was talking directly to ME! As Jeff Foxworthy loves to say, "here's your sign!"
I know I am responsible for my own happiness. I know I am am responsible for my own wellness. I know I am responsible for my life and all that is in it. When I accept that truth, I realize and accept that only I have the POWER to change my life if it's not exactly what I want it to. Right behind that realization came the "little voice that whispers in my soul's ear" remind me about GRATITUDE. When I hear that little voice, I am humbled and remember to be grateful for ALL I have in my life because I know it IS a "charmed" life in its own beautiful way and it is the right life for me and my path.
I pray for the strength to do what needs to be done; the wisdom to embrace my life and all that is in it; and the grace to be grateful for the abundance, love and health that I have in my own charmed life even when I don't feel I am living the "right" life or that the "dream" is not as I would like for it to be. There is ALWAYS tomorrow and I, like the little bird, feel the sun and sing although the dawn be dark. But TODAY, RIGHT NOW is what I have and with strength, grace and wisdom I will make the most of this day and greet it with a smile on my face and love in my heart.
I expect a miracle today and I will NOT discount it when it comes my way, as I know it will if I only open my eyes to see it and open my heart, mind and soul to receive it. EXPECT YOUR OWN MIRACLE TODAY and may you always have STRENGTH, GRACE AND WISDOM in your life.
Namaste!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
What a ride! 9-16-10
Whew! What a ride this thing called life can be! So much happens so fast it feels I'm on a roller coaster and the ride dips, turns and climbs and it is exciting, scary and exhiliarating all at the same time.
My new job is wonderful and I am enjoying the energy of the people and the activity and the goodness that I am seeing. It is a non-profit organization and slightly different from some of my other jobs. What is heartwarming is seeing first hand how people dig deep into their pockets in an effort to help others. It renews my faith in humanity.
Working in an office of all women is also something new for me and although most of the women are younger than me, we all manage to work together as peers. The "monthly thing" is a memory for me but being around so many younger women I am reminded why it is called "the curse!" I walked in to see one of the ladies almost curled up into a ball clutching her stomach with cramps. Oh, I do remember those days and am so glad that part of my life is over.
We welcomed a new addition to the family on September 10th and he came in at nine and a half pounds, face up and eyes wide. This one is a silent observer and his eyes were focused and he was alert for so much longer than most newborns. I was reminded of my brother who in his last day of life was just looking around the room and when I asked him what he was looking at he said he was "just looking!" I believe our new little Ethan may carry some of the spirit of my brother in him. Ethan is my seventh grandchild and I call him "lucky number seven." I am amazed how quickly I fall in love with each of them. He is already wrapped tightly around my heart and I adore the little fellow whole-heartedly and pray for a happy life and a bright future for him. With all the love coming at him from so many directions, I can only believe he has a wonderful head start because love is the key to everything in life, from my point of view.
We have experienced a divorce which was heartbreaking and sad and a period at the end of a sentence. No, let me take that back. It is merely a semi-colon because my daughter-in-law will continue to be a big part of my life as I will always love her and appreciate her love for my son and for birthing two wonderful grandchildren for me. Thankfully they don't live close so I didn't feel the pain of it all as severely as I would have if I had to be around them more often. Yet I know how it feels to suffer through a divorce and it is always challenging. I wish them both well and whether I feel it is a mistake or not is irrelevant because it is their life to live and I am a mute (can you believe it?) and non-judgmental observer knowing that the ways of the heart are completely unfathomable at times, in fact, most times.
Because my Mom was all alone in Florida, I brought her up here (to Georgia) to live with me last November. My life changed radically and it was a huge, huge, huge (can't emphasize HOW HUGE) adjustment for me but something I felt I needed to do. I could not have foreseen, when I made the decision to bring her to live with me, how it would affect me. On the one hand, I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to do for so many reasons yet on the other hand, I regretted my loss of independence and solitude so it has been a big adjustment for me and not an easy one. I enjoyed my life and my ability to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it and I had so much more time for creativity. Yet, my heart said I needed to do this and I am growing from the experience and learning more about my own self. It's all a process. I am glad she is here and not alone. I left home when I was 18 and never looked back except with relief that I was gone. Still, it is undeniable that there is always a bond that can't be broken and sometimes it is necessary to step up and do what needs to be done.
We were getting into a routine when I finally got the job that I am loving. On the same day I started work, Mom got sick. I thought maybe she was fudging since I would no longer be at home all day with her but turns out she was really sick and by the second week I was working, we had to put her into the hospital. She was in ICU for several days and then in the hospital for a few more until they moved her to a rehabilitation center near my home. Now, after almost three weeks, she is stronger and feeling better but still not able to meet her own personal needs. We are hoping the rehabilitation will get her to that point so she can come back home to live. I am sure we will need to have help come in during the day but this is all a one-day-at-a-time experience and we'll see how it works out.
Since she's been gone, I've had my house torn apart because I've been painting my bedroom. WHAT A PROCESS! It took me two months to think about it and now almost three weeks to get it done. All that's left is to paint the ceiling, put up the border and then put it all back together. I've been sleeping on the couch with my best pet friend, Wizzie and life has been slightly a-kilter, to say the least. I have learned much during this process and can assure anyone and everyone that the next time house painting needs to be done, I will hire a professional.
I had no time to devote to it last weekend because on Saturday, I had to shop for Mom,, who needed some new gowns and "dusters" which meant a trip to the Mall. I didn't realize it was a "one day sale" weekend and I could hardly find a place to park and the lines and crowds were a challenge. Saturday evening I met friends for dinner and a lingerie party for a friend who is about to jump back into marriage (no, I couldn't talk her out of it...she is "in love!"). Sunday, I met another friend for lunch and then we went to the Rehab Center to visit Mom. My friend, who is a friend from high school, touched my heart with her desire to visit Mom. She took care of her Mom and Dad both and is now taking care of an Aunt so she knows a bit of what I am going through and I'd say she was more giving than me and I could learn a lot from her. It was wonderful to see both of my dear friends and I was feeling resentful of my own SELF (my own selfish self) for wishing I could just be in my home painting. After lunch and the visit with my Mom, I went to visit my daughter and stayed until midnight (which means I didn't get home until 1:00am)and went into Monday feeling like a zombie. It was worth it to be able to hold baby Ethan and play with Ian. I cooked dinner for the family and then cleaned the kitchen so I felt like I'd helped in some small way.
Yet those events with friends don't come by twice and I didn't want to miss them so I've spent another week on the couch and another week looking at the mess and the paint cans, brushes, all the other painting supplies and wishing my room were done and back together and my home in order once again. Maybe this weekend? Yes! My daughter sent me a text yesterday asking me to watch my grandchildren on Saturday and I had to say no although I wanted to say yes. It was a difficult decision for me because I 1)hate saying NO to her and 2)hate missing time with the grandkids. Yet if I don't get the painting done on Saturday, I won't get the bedroom back together on Sunday and I'll roll into another week with everything in disarray and I don't think I can do that and feel good about it. So, I said NO, which was unsettling but necessary.
So, a new job, a new baby, a divorce, a Mom in the hospital and a house in disarray. Yet this weekend, I'll get the house in order and then life will fall back into order. Or will it? Perhaps it's just a "dip" before the climb again? Mom should get back home next week and we'll start the readjustment all over again. It's never boring, is it?
My first few weeks at work I felt like I was running on empty. It's a long commute and by the time I get home, I am feeling exhausted and feeling "my age." I want to just go to bed immediately and I'm glad I don't have a family to look after or a significant other to give time to because quite frankly, I just don't have the energy for it. I honestly don't know how others do it.
I miss the "time" and "space" to paint and write and this is the first time in a long time I've felt good enough to just sit and write and it feels WONDERFUL! I am hoping things will settle down at some point in the near future and I will be able to devote a Saturday to a blank canvas, my jar of brushes and let the energy pervade my soul to create. Somewhere within me is still "an artist in transition." I didn't know how poignant that statement would be when I started this blog a year or so ago. That's life though, isn't it? We are always "in transition" or at least my life seems to be. It's never boring and I am grateful for every minute and for every breath I take and give thanks to GOD for this wonderful ride. Buckle up, find the smile, raise the arms and say "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
My new job is wonderful and I am enjoying the energy of the people and the activity and the goodness that I am seeing. It is a non-profit organization and slightly different from some of my other jobs. What is heartwarming is seeing first hand how people dig deep into their pockets in an effort to help others. It renews my faith in humanity.
Working in an office of all women is also something new for me and although most of the women are younger than me, we all manage to work together as peers. The "monthly thing" is a memory for me but being around so many younger women I am reminded why it is called "the curse!" I walked in to see one of the ladies almost curled up into a ball clutching her stomach with cramps. Oh, I do remember those days and am so glad that part of my life is over.
We welcomed a new addition to the family on September 10th and he came in at nine and a half pounds, face up and eyes wide. This one is a silent observer and his eyes were focused and he was alert for so much longer than most newborns. I was reminded of my brother who in his last day of life was just looking around the room and when I asked him what he was looking at he said he was "just looking!" I believe our new little Ethan may carry some of the spirit of my brother in him. Ethan is my seventh grandchild and I call him "lucky number seven." I am amazed how quickly I fall in love with each of them. He is already wrapped tightly around my heart and I adore the little fellow whole-heartedly and pray for a happy life and a bright future for him. With all the love coming at him from so many directions, I can only believe he has a wonderful head start because love is the key to everything in life, from my point of view.
We have experienced a divorce which was heartbreaking and sad and a period at the end of a sentence. No, let me take that back. It is merely a semi-colon because my daughter-in-law will continue to be a big part of my life as I will always love her and appreciate her love for my son and for birthing two wonderful grandchildren for me. Thankfully they don't live close so I didn't feel the pain of it all as severely as I would have if I had to be around them more often. Yet I know how it feels to suffer through a divorce and it is always challenging. I wish them both well and whether I feel it is a mistake or not is irrelevant because it is their life to live and I am a mute (can you believe it?) and non-judgmental observer knowing that the ways of the heart are completely unfathomable at times, in fact, most times.
Because my Mom was all alone in Florida, I brought her up here (to Georgia) to live with me last November. My life changed radically and it was a huge, huge, huge (can't emphasize HOW HUGE) adjustment for me but something I felt I needed to do. I could not have foreseen, when I made the decision to bring her to live with me, how it would affect me. On the one hand, I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to do for so many reasons yet on the other hand, I regretted my loss of independence and solitude so it has been a big adjustment for me and not an easy one. I enjoyed my life and my ability to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it and I had so much more time for creativity. Yet, my heart said I needed to do this and I am growing from the experience and learning more about my own self. It's all a process. I am glad she is here and not alone. I left home when I was 18 and never looked back except with relief that I was gone. Still, it is undeniable that there is always a bond that can't be broken and sometimes it is necessary to step up and do what needs to be done.
We were getting into a routine when I finally got the job that I am loving. On the same day I started work, Mom got sick. I thought maybe she was fudging since I would no longer be at home all day with her but turns out she was really sick and by the second week I was working, we had to put her into the hospital. She was in ICU for several days and then in the hospital for a few more until they moved her to a rehabilitation center near my home. Now, after almost three weeks, she is stronger and feeling better but still not able to meet her own personal needs. We are hoping the rehabilitation will get her to that point so she can come back home to live. I am sure we will need to have help come in during the day but this is all a one-day-at-a-time experience and we'll see how it works out.
Since she's been gone, I've had my house torn apart because I've been painting my bedroom. WHAT A PROCESS! It took me two months to think about it and now almost three weeks to get it done. All that's left is to paint the ceiling, put up the border and then put it all back together. I've been sleeping on the couch with my best pet friend, Wizzie and life has been slightly a-kilter, to say the least. I have learned much during this process and can assure anyone and everyone that the next time house painting needs to be done, I will hire a professional.
I had no time to devote to it last weekend because on Saturday, I had to shop for Mom,, who needed some new gowns and "dusters" which meant a trip to the Mall. I didn't realize it was a "one day sale" weekend and I could hardly find a place to park and the lines and crowds were a challenge. Saturday evening I met friends for dinner and a lingerie party for a friend who is about to jump back into marriage (no, I couldn't talk her out of it...she is "in love!"). Sunday, I met another friend for lunch and then we went to the Rehab Center to visit Mom. My friend, who is a friend from high school, touched my heart with her desire to visit Mom. She took care of her Mom and Dad both and is now taking care of an Aunt so she knows a bit of what I am going through and I'd say she was more giving than me and I could learn a lot from her. It was wonderful to see both of my dear friends and I was feeling resentful of my own SELF (my own selfish self) for wishing I could just be in my home painting. After lunch and the visit with my Mom, I went to visit my daughter and stayed until midnight (which means I didn't get home until 1:00am)and went into Monday feeling like a zombie. It was worth it to be able to hold baby Ethan and play with Ian. I cooked dinner for the family and then cleaned the kitchen so I felt like I'd helped in some small way.
Yet those events with friends don't come by twice and I didn't want to miss them so I've spent another week on the couch and another week looking at the mess and the paint cans, brushes, all the other painting supplies and wishing my room were done and back together and my home in order once again. Maybe this weekend? Yes! My daughter sent me a text yesterday asking me to watch my grandchildren on Saturday and I had to say no although I wanted to say yes. It was a difficult decision for me because I 1)hate saying NO to her and 2)hate missing time with the grandkids. Yet if I don't get the painting done on Saturday, I won't get the bedroom back together on Sunday and I'll roll into another week with everything in disarray and I don't think I can do that and feel good about it. So, I said NO, which was unsettling but necessary.
So, a new job, a new baby, a divorce, a Mom in the hospital and a house in disarray. Yet this weekend, I'll get the house in order and then life will fall back into order. Or will it? Perhaps it's just a "dip" before the climb again? Mom should get back home next week and we'll start the readjustment all over again. It's never boring, is it?
My first few weeks at work I felt like I was running on empty. It's a long commute and by the time I get home, I am feeling exhausted and feeling "my age." I want to just go to bed immediately and I'm glad I don't have a family to look after or a significant other to give time to because quite frankly, I just don't have the energy for it. I honestly don't know how others do it.
I miss the "time" and "space" to paint and write and this is the first time in a long time I've felt good enough to just sit and write and it feels WONDERFUL! I am hoping things will settle down at some point in the near future and I will be able to devote a Saturday to a blank canvas, my jar of brushes and let the energy pervade my soul to create. Somewhere within me is still "an artist in transition." I didn't know how poignant that statement would be when I started this blog a year or so ago. That's life though, isn't it? We are always "in transition" or at least my life seems to be. It's never boring and I am grateful for every minute and for every breath I take and give thanks to GOD for this wonderful ride. Buckle up, find the smile, raise the arms and say "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Monday, August 16, 2010
Another door opens...August 16, 2010
I start a new job today and I am beyond excited. I signed the paperwork on Friday the 13th so that day is lucky for me! I feel like a kid leaving home for the first day at school. I went shopping yesterday and bought a new lunch bag. It felt sweetly poignant.
Being an artist is a marvelous and wonderful use of my time but it didn't provide the financial rewards I need to survive so heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work I go. The painting is from my "Through the Door" series so I thought it would be appropriate for today.
My job search has been extensive, long and time consuming but I prayed about it and as I feel I live in Divine flow, I knew the perfect job would appear at the perfect time and it has. I learned from my last job that sometimes there are opportunities for growth we can't know until we are in the middle of the experience. Sometimes those "opportunities" are a little uncomfortable but that is what makes us stretch and grow and become more of who we are meant to be.
I am in for a wild ride this morning and although it's only 27 miles to work, I expect it will take at least an hour with the morning traffic being what it is but I'm okay with it and will use my time in the car to "get my mind right" as I take this new road (literally and figuratively!). I am having a Robert Frost moment as the road is diverging once again. We have an intersection here called "Spaghetti Junction" and there are overpasses and underpasses and it's a mish-mash intersection and exactly where I pick up 285E. Traffic is ALWAYS backed up on those over/under passes but I am expecting it and that's half the battle of keeping my cool on the road! I am also a defensive driver so I keep enough space in front of me that I can stop (and this makes some other drivers mad but I do what feels right for me on the road and they can go on around me if they are not happy with my 10+ over the speed limit).
My biggest regret is that I won't be able to go to Pacifica, California this year for the Fog Fest and to visit my friends. It will be at least a year before I have enough vacation time accrued but again, I suppose this is as it should be. (Divine Flow!) Wahhhh! See you next year Colsy!
I will be working in an office with only women which should be interesting. Lots of estrogren and I understand the age range to be 20's to 60's with me being on the upper end of the range (bringing my sageness to the table). I have worked in an all-woman office once before and it was fun so I'm expecting nothing less from this one.
Wishing you a beautiful day. I have a job! Amen! I have a job! Amen! I have a job! Amen! Bring it on God, I'm up for it!
Namaste
Namaste
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