Another door opens...August 16, 2010

I start a new job today and I am beyond excited. I signed the paperwork on Friday the 13th so that day is lucky for me! I feel like a kid leaving home for the first day at school. I went shopping yesterday and bought a new lunch bag. It felt sweetly poignant.

Being an artist is a marvelous and wonderful use of my time but it didn't provide the financial rewards I need to survive so heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work I go. The painting is from my "Through the Door" series so I thought it would be appropriate for today.

My job search has been extensive, long and time consuming but I prayed about it and as I feel I live in Divine flow, I knew the perfect job would appear at the perfect time and it has. I learned from my last job that sometimes there are opportunities for growth we can't know until we are in the middle of the experience. Sometimes those "opportunities" are a little uncomfortable but that is what makes us stretch and grow and become more of who we are meant to be.

I am in for a wild ride this morning and although it's only 27 miles to work, I expect it will take at least an hour with the morning traffic being what it is but I'm okay with it and will use my time in the car to "get my mind right" as I take this new road (literally and figuratively!). I am having a Robert Frost moment as the road is diverging once again. We have an intersection here called "Spaghetti Junction" and there are overpasses and underpasses and it's a mish-mash intersection and exactly where I pick up 285E. Traffic is ALWAYS backed up on those over/under passes but I am expecting it and that's half the battle of keeping my cool on the road! I am also a defensive driver so I keep enough space in front of me that I can stop (and this makes some other drivers mad but I do what feels right for me on the road and they can go on around me if they are not happy with my 10+ over the speed limit).

My biggest regret is that I won't be able to go to Pacifica, California this year for the Fog Fest and to visit my friends. It will be at least a year before I have enough vacation time accrued but again, I suppose this is as it should be. (Divine Flow!) Wahhhh! See you next year Colsy!

I will be working in an office with only women which should be interesting. Lots of estrogren and I understand the age range to be 20's to 60's with me being on the upper end of the range (bringing my sageness to the table). I have worked in an all-woman office once before and it was fun so I'm expecting nothing less from this one.

Wishing you a beautiful day. I have a job! Amen! I have a job! Amen! I have a job! Amen! Bring it on God, I'm up for it!

Namaste

Namaste

Time goes by...so slowly...

...and time can do so much (Unchained Melody). Why is that song on my mind this morning? Well, here we go again. Another challenge. Another opportunity for growth. Another time I collide with my past. It is a past I would like to blank out of my mind but refuses to go away and be away and there is nothing I can do but to accept it. I doubt I ever will.

So, first time writing in what seems forever but life has changed so drastically that the person writing this blog last year is but a faint memory and suddenly I find myself in another "role." Another "responsibility" I accept but not without some regret but doing what needs to be done...the "right" thing to do and daily I pray for patience and empathy and the ability to find my joy, in some way. I haven't written because I can barely stand to listen to my own thoughts much less share them with others.

I think of my friends who have truly devastating experiences to overcome like the death of a loved one or a terminal illness and then I feel so ashamed of myself. I want to be so much more than I am but find myself in the middle of a pity party more often than not. I can't seem to pull up the blinds enough to let the sun truly shine in again.

And that statement made me laugh as I took down the blinds on one window this morning. I've bought paint to re-paint my bedroom and new curtains. I bought this over a month and a half, maybe even two months ago, and can't seem to find the motivation to do the work. Maybe today? I promise myself that I will paint above the window and hang the new curtains, at least there and it's what I know I need to do for me.

I guess I'm feeling trapped and I wonder if that is how others feel in certain similar situations. It's almost like being married and not knowing how or when to go about getting a divorce. Then, I remember that I did live through that and I will live through this and be the better for it but then I think that time is passing and I am older and my days are numbered and is this how I want to spend my minutes? I guess it is because it is what I am doing and as I always say, "I am the boss of me." I am doing this because I love someone else more than I love myself and maybe that's part of the reason for coming in to this life? It is the right thing to do.

It seems there are those who say we need to learn to "love ourselves" before we are truly able to love another but by loving another, are we not loving and honoring our own selves? Do I love myself any less because I put myself into "responsibility" situations? No, I think not. I like myself just fine, even if I do feel trapped at the moment. It won't last forever and there is a reason behind everything and I truly believe this and I also know that it is not always my call to know the reason but to just maintain my faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep taking another breath and doing what needs to be done.

So back again to that "collision" with the past. It's not a unique situation. There are many divorced parents who come together at weddings and birthdays for the children and manage to endure the company of the other for the SAKE of the children. It is what must be done, it is what can be done and it is what WILL be done. I guess it is those "consequences of our choices" that we all must accept at some point in time. I know what it means now to "pay the piper." So, pay the piper I will.

Still, in my quiet moments with my deepest self...I hear the words to Unchained Melody and I let myself flow with it for a bit. Then, I suck it up and keep moving. Yes, I will get that area painted and I will hang my curtain and I will find my joy because that is what I do. I AM the boss of ME and I will find the joy...IN SPITE of the obstacles and I will remember that it IS a great day to be alive...and not just in America!

Well, that felt good. Now to press "post" and put my guts "out there" and hope that maybe my meanderings will mean something positive to another and perhaps help someone else. That would be my fondest desire.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing...hold on to the memories but live in the now knowing tomorrow is a new day...and it is always darkest before the dawn!

Namaste!

Rolling in to Two Thousand Ten with whispers from God...

Happy new year to all of us. I can't believe it is already January 6th but every year the days seem to move more quickly from one to the next and before I know it, it will be SPRING. For now, I am trying to allow myself to find a way to enjoy this winter, knowing winter is a gift, too. It's not my favorite gift but one for which I am grateful, none the less.

I finally did my "whole person" reading on the 4th. I usually try to do it on the first day of the year to get an idea of where I'm being guided and supported in the upcoming year but I procrastinated this year and I guess that's okay. It was certainly pertinent from a personal point of view since I've been delaying "living" and have been "existing" instead of being proactive. It was a very different reading from years past and I know this is going to be a challenging year, in many ways for me. It was an in-my-face reminder that I AM the boss of me and I need to accept responsibility for everything that is in my life and if I don't like what's there, it's up to me to make the necessary changes to make it what I want it to be. That's the hardest part of life, isn't it? Accepting responsibility and making changes? It's hard for me and it seems it is difficult for others, too. Yet, I know it can be done. I have faith that it can be done. Not only for me, but for any/everyone.

My spirit/mind/body reading today was interesting and as always, so RIGHT ON and exactly what I needed to be aware of in my life.

First off, spiritually, came a message about indolence. Indolence is stagnation, laziness, unclearness. It was a reminder to me that I need to release my pattern of over-extension which leaves me drained and "indolent." I need to set limits and welcome more discipline into my life. I was reminded that the storms of life throw me out of balance, again and again. Yet is is the constant change between being centered and uncentered which teaches me to be more conscious from moment to moment.

I had a migraine headache yesterday and spent most of the day in bed. I seem to get migraines when I am in "overload." So, I recognize this about myself and acknowledge my need to set limits so that I don't reach the "indolent" stage but I also know it will happen again yet not as often and I will be "conscious" not to let myself get to the point of being completely drained. I have to look after my own self, accept responsibility for my own self and for my own well-being. I need to be aware of my own NEED for discipline and structure and I do that by being conscious and in the moment. It was a good reminder and one I needed to hear.

Next, I got a message about mastery of self-knowledge and awakening to the deepest essence of who I am. I am a radiant being filled with love and light and I want to share this love and light with compassion and rememberance of my own "dark places." So, by being "conscious", I can also be more self-aware which brings me to the physical message.

I received the "love" card and the message is about equal and special love. Love that is creative, inspirational and bears great creative power. My affirmation is: I desire and am open to fully experience love.

We experience love by the act of loving AND by staying open to receiving love. Love wears so many disguises that it is sometimes difficult to recognize but with love comes light or "illumination" and with "illumination" comes love for they are both the same.

Well, I'm getting a little esoteric here but what I really wanted to "put out there" this morning was that it is love that helps us through the storms of life and the love has to come from WITHIN.

I just spoke with a dear friend who is going through the process of dealing with the loss of a child, an only child. I can only imagine the pain she is experiencing and I am filled with compassion for her. What can I say that will make any difference in her life? What can I do to help my friend who is in so much pain? Not only her, but I have other friends and family in the throes of their own storms and I want to reach out and help them all, in some way. Yet, what can I really do that will make any difference? What can I say that will help?

I can only love them and listen. The changes that need to occur for each of them, can only come from within and I try to remind those I love about SELF love as I have to remind my own SELF so often. We all need to love our own SELF first and when we do that, and only then, can we truly help another help another.

So, to that end and in line with my "whispers" today (I call my readings "whispers from God") I will stay conscious today of being centered and balanced. I will remember that I am a radiant being filled with love and light. I will set limits and boundaries. I desire and am open to fully experience love in all it's many facets. By loving my SELF, I can love others more completely.

Well, rolling in to Two Thousand Ten I am reminded to "Love thy neighbor as thy own self." Perhaps in today's world, we've gotten it reversed and we need a reminder to love our own SELF, too, for we are the light of the world.

Namaste, Happy New Year and remember to love your SELF today and stay conscious from moment to moment. Holding the resonance and sending love and light to all.

Monday Mornings...

Monday mornings are great! Monday signals new beginnings for me although I do admit that in the past there were times when it meant only the end of a wonderful weekend I was loath to let go.

There have been break-ups, divorce, death, sadness and pain in my last week for people I care about and I feel and am compassionate about their feelings and experiences without letting my own SELF get bogged down in it, knowing they will come out the other side changed but after a time, it can be like a Monday for them, too. Perhaps that makes me come across as a little cold but I am not, I am just hopeful for a new tomorrow, always.

I have experienced loss, of many different types and what I have found is that with every loss comes a new opportunity, a change in direction but life can still be a wonderful, amazing experience if we look for the amazing, wonderful things that are still here. It is difficult to know exactly what to say to someone I care about when they have experienced a loss or are going through a life changing experience such as death or divorce. I want to bring them comfort and facilitate their healing process. I want to "make it better." I know that it is really not within my power or my control but in the power and control of the one who is experiencing the pain and the loss. Sometimes, I think it helps to hear the words from another so there is value in saying what I feel is positive and uplifting.

I've always been a bit of a loner although I enjoy and dearly love my friends and family. I have relied upon my own SELF to get through my sufferings and I'm too prideful to let my pain show. Happiness is an inside job. I know that I am the one that has to find my own happiness and no one else can do it for me and it's not their job anyhow. I consider myself a strong person, able to "roll with the punches" but there have been times in life when I have felt humbled and brought to my knees and wallowed in my own self-pity. Divorce, loss of love, loss of a child, loss of a parent, loss of a friend, loss of love, children leaving home...it's all a part of the process we know as life. Still, I believe in LIFE and I believe in LOVE and more than anything, I believe life goes on regardless of the experiences. As long as I am breathing, there is hope. Hope for a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new path, a new experience.

Many years ago, my brother gave me two little placques for posting on the refrigerator. The quote on one was the "Happiness is an inside job" and the quote on the other is "Along the way, Take the time to smell the flowers." I've tried to model my adult life around those two quotes. I say "tried" because I've not always been successful and I've had my "black holes" but I always manage to pull myself back up, with the help of God and my faith. Another of my favorite quotes is "Faith is the little bird that feels the sun and sings, although the dawn be dark." Another way of hanging on to hope and having faith. If I have given my children nothing else, I hope I have been able to pass on to them this faith and this belief in life.

We all struggle. We struggle with loss, love, finances (always a struggle for all of us in my family but we seem to be able to always "have enough"), moods, divorce, loss of trust, betrayal and sometimes we betray and sometimes we are the betrayed. All a part of life. It is what we do with all of these losses and struggles that define our character and the quality of our life. As long as we keep breathing, there can be a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new opportunity. Let go and move on and MAKE the minute, the day, the week what we need it to be for our own happiness. Grieve, suffer, be depressed. These are all feelings that we experience at one time or another but don't linger long there in the darkness. Feel it and then move on and get back into the sun. We are all capable of it and if not, get some help to find it.

Today I am going to wrap some Christmas gifts, work on my book for my family, write a little, organize a little, enjoy my Mom a little, walk Wizzie and enjoy the fresh air a little, e-mail my friends a little and all those little bits will add up to one big, fine day.

I had someone say to me this morning, "It sure was a crappy weekend outside, wasn't it." Instead of following along with that train of thought, I said, "Yes, it was wet and cold out but it made it that much more comfortable to be inside and I accomplished a lot inside of my house this weekend." It changed the whole tone of the conversation. Yes, it was wet and cold outside but hey, it's December and we have a lot of those days in December. Still, it was a great weekend! I didn't leave my house but it was a fulfilling weekend and this morning, I am sitting here writing in an environment that is neat, orderly and fun to be in because I had the time to make it that way this weekend.

I had a custom wall-unit built for my bedroom and it was installed last week. It was built by Tim Ford and Arlo Alvarez and they knocked my socks off with their expertise. I had a vision and they brought that vision to a reality. Here's a picture of what it looks like and I am happy as a lark with my "new" bedroom!



If you need anything built and you are in Georgia, Tim Ford Woodworking at 678-776-8315 is the place to go for custom woodworking. The work is beautiful and he is a master at creating a lasting and beautiful work of art, of a sort. He is definitely a master craftsman and I highly recommend him.

That having been said, I'm off now to create a wonderful day for myself. I hope you do the same for your own self. Remember..."happiness is an inside job" so work hard at that job and you can succeed admirably!

Namaste, my friends!

Just thinking...

It is winter quiet this morning and the day is gray outside and the remainder of summer's sage, wilted and begging for me to come out and cut it back, is blowing in the wind. There is just a hint of purple left on the ends but the leaves look sad and worn out from the frost we had a few nights ago. I like the peaceful quiet of a winter's morning but not as much as the vibrancy of a Spring morning yet both are a part of the cycle of nature and of life. I've been thinking much of both since I brought my Mom up from Florida to live with me.

Somedays, I feel like the sage because I am tired and growing older by the minute. Yet I am happy that I can find peace, still. This is a test of my character and of my beliefs, which are tested daily.

My Mom and I have had a strange relationship most of my adult life and I've lived away (far away) from her since I was old enough to leave home. I left and never looked back when I was 18 and I made my way on my own, stumbling and bumbling but making it on my own and I liked it that way.

She's still my Mom, though and nothing will change that and I love her for giving me the gift of life and I am trying now, to get to know to her as an adult. Yet it feels as if I have another child because she can't get around very well (which is why I brought her up here to live with me) and she uses a walker and a wheelchair, when we go out. I'm glad I am physically able to help her although I admit that sometimes, it does take a lot of energy to do all that needs to be done around just "moving" her from place to place. Yet, I feel compelled to do what I can to help her enjoy her final years. She will be 80 on December 21st. The scary thing, to me is the reminder that 80 comes up real fast behind 60 (which I will be on March 1st).

My Dad's gone, most of her friends have already passed over and there was no one (of any merit) in Destin to care for her. So now, I have the opportunity to be a bigger person and to grow and I'm finding that I enjoy having her around. I've cleared out my studio and made it into as a nice a room for her as possible, with bright colors and pretty things. I put a birdfeeder up outside the window so she can enjoy the birds and have done all I know to do to make her comfortable.

We play cards every day and eat our meals together but she sleeps alot and so I still have time for my writing and "thinking" and although I'm feeling heavy, I'm not sure it's because of her because I always get heavy in winter which is my least favorite season. Usually I endure it rather than embrace it but perhaps this year I can learn to embrace the winter, too.

Mom is in the winter of her life and I'm in the fall. I'm not ready for winter and I'm not even ready for fall. I want to be in Spring eternally with perhaps a hint of summer. That's what I feel in my heart and soul most of the time but when I look in the mirror, the reflection yells back FALL and I hate it but I'm trying to be more zen about it.

If we manifest everything in our life, and I believe we do, then I have created this opportunity to allow my spirit to grow. In my opinion, that's my purpose in life. I came here to grow spiritually. Now, in the FALL, I'm being given a wonderful opportunity. Now to seize it and GROW. What does that mean? I don't know right now but I know there is a lesson here for me.

Already, good things have happened for me around the changes. Life is not what I had in my "dream" five years ago but I know that I am very, very blessed and I am hoping to pass through THIS WINTER and come out the other side without falling into my usual "winter depression" and as always, even though it is a gray, winter's day outside, I am looking ahead to the Spring. I've planted more bulbs this year and put in more crocus so I can see them from my desk as I write. Crocus are the harbingers of Spring,along with the Forsythia, and I put a lot in because by the time they show their beautiful little faces, I need their color to bring my hope to fore.

I'm not painting right now and that's put aside until the Spring when I'll paint in the annual Plein Air event again. Yet I can write and I'm working on my book of poetry for my family. I don't know if they'll appreciate it because it is so personal and much of what brought me great joy brought them pain and I was selfish about my love. Perhaps it will have more meaning for my grandchildren when they are grown and have had loves of their own and I know one of my children will understand better how life throws us a curve ball now and again. I won't say which one but as an adult having passed through a similar life experience the "ah ha" light should go off and the door to greater understanding and growth opened a lot wider.

I could write more about how interesting it is to watch the growth of another human being (and admittedly, their pain is my pain because my child's pain is always my own, too, as well as their joys) but...

AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER...

Mom smelled the Nag Champa essential oil I had in the burner and came in to see what I was doing so I made her some breakfast and played a game of rummy with her and now she has gone back to bed to watch TV for a while (and probably sleep). She sleeps a lot but that's understandable. Babies and old people...(well, okay..."older" people) seem to need lots of sleep. Some because they are growing and some because they are slowing.

Time for me to move into my day. I'm still "reorganizing" and trying to fit in my home and I have a large box for Goodwill of good things that no longer have a place but may help another or perhaps there's a need that can be inexpensively filled and that would make me happy. Mom asked what I was giving to Goodwill because she might want something and I said "don't even look because it is all going to Goodwill" and we had a laugh about it.

I have to go to the Post Office because I didn't get out to my mailbox in time for pickup and to Goodwill and to the Food Bank to drop off some canned goods. I had thought to have a full day at home but it looks like that's not to be. It seems there's always something that has to be done that requires me leaving the house and I suppose that's okay. Before Mom came, there were days at a time when I just "snuggled in" or spent the day working in the yard from sun up until I came in, dirty from head to toe and tired to the bone but feeling satisfied with a day well spent and something to show for the effort. Sometimes I'd just sit at the computer for hours, writing, musing, sending e-mails and reading blogs or something else I found interesting (or looking at something relative to OH MY GOD Robert Pattinson who has captured my fancy like millions of other women of ALL AGES. He sure is "purty"...there's something about that "bad boy" persona with a "heart" that captures my fancy and provides stimulus for my fantasies! Lord, make me 18 again! LOL!).

So, wishing you a joyful day, filled with all that makes you happy!

A Mini Adventure

In about 4 hours I will be leaving for a mini adventure with a woman who was one of my best friends in high school. We lost each other for some time in our wanderings and life experiences but reconnected, joyfully, about ten years ago. Her name is Regina and she's a Real Estate broker now and was the agent for the purchase of my little home that I love so much here in historic downtown Buford. She also helped my brother get in to his house. We go to the high school reunions together and enjoy social events at each others houses and although our paths took us in different directions, we find that still, we are heart-to-heart. She's a conservative (I forgiver her) AND I'm a liberal (she forgives me). Her husband is a "hunter-gather" and their home abounds in dead, stuffed animals that always gives me the willies but it makes them happy and I love them anyhow. Her husband is one of the sweetest, kindest men I've ever met (she teasingly calls him "Daniel Boone" and he would have lived well in that era) and the two love each other madly and I so appreciate that about them, especially given my dismal history with love.

They own a darling beach home in Carrabelle, Florida and Regina and I are having a "get-away" for the next four days with the high point (aside from one-on-one time together) being the Apalachicola Seafood Festival which occurs on November 6th-7th. I'm excited to check out the artist's booths as I've been looking around for shows and festivals where my art may sell.

I've been working in the yard again and last weekend I bought a couple of flats of pansies (50% off at Lowe's, how could I not?) so I've been in a dead heat to get them all in before leaving on my mini-adventure. I finished yesterday and already I'm so excited for the color and the joy they will bring through the cold winter months when the trees are barren and everything else has gone to sleep. I also moved a climbing rose bush that tries to overgrow my house to a place beside the arbor in the front and I am hoping it will be happy there. Actually, I am just hoping it survives the move. What a job! It took me a good half-hour to get it dug up because after 3 years in that spot, it was well-rooted and I had to cut some of the roots just to get it out. I ended up with about a 12" diameter of a root ball and I can tell you it was NOT easy getting that rascal up and then it was so heavy I had to use the wheelbarrow to move it. I had a clematis at the place where I moved the rose bush so I had to dig that up first (it got moved to a place by the mailbox and again, I'm hoping it survives the move as it is a beautiful plant through the spring and summer). Anyhow, another two holes to dig. When I got up this morning, I could hardly move my arms and I have a streak of pain in my back. It's all good though! Nothing like manual labor to clear the mind.

After the planting and cutting back of some things, I transported two wheelbarrows of yard debris to the street for pick up and then I got out the blower and blew my walkway, driveway, back deck and front porch. Now, it looks neat and clean but by the time I get back, the leaves will have built up again. I don't mind because I love the trees and so I put up with the leaves and the mess (see my earlier blog about the pecan messes!).

Time to start packing. I hit a bonanza jackpot at Goodwill last week and picked up 3 college Literature textbooks (Elements of Literaure, 3rd, 4th and 6th) for $2.50 each and they are the teacher's editions so more prized by me. I'm sure the books probably cost in the hundreds because textbooks are so expensive. I was so happy with the find and can't wait to delve into them because there are many, many good authors represented. I also bought a book of Shakespeare that can be read with children (maybe I'll "get" it now, too!) I'm taking a few books with me. I'm also reading a book about Eastern Philosopy, Greek and Roman Mythology and Vein of Gold by the wonderful Julia Cameron. I would be equally happy just staying home and reading but I make myself do fun things and socialize because I could too easily become reclusive.

People ask me if I'm lonely because I'm single and I'd have to answer truthfully and empathically NO! I am never bored, I like my time and space to do what I want whenever I want. If I want to go to the Comedy Club or to listen to music or whatever, I can always find a friend to go with but most of the time, I'm happy as a clam (are clams happy?) just puttering about the house or writing or painting... whatever strikes my fancy. I communicate daily with friends by e-mail or phone and I'm never lonely. I also have my brother and sister on the same street and that's a comfort and my children and grandchildren are close so am I lonely? Never!

I've had two big loves and several minor ones in my life and I think that's my quota and that's okay with me. Right now I'm obsessing over Robert Pattinson because he's so darn sexy and pleasing to look at and dream about being with someone so intelligent, talented, and easy on the eye but if I had the choice, I'd choose to just obsess as I do (he's less than half my age, after all, but I'm not DEAD even though I'm not lonely!) from afar. My kids think I'm crazy but there was a time when John Travolta held that place of honor for me (back in the "Staying Alive" phase of the 80's). It's no different from men obsessing over Megan Fox or Marilyn Monroe or Angelina Jolie (oh, I almost forgot my past obsession with Brad Pitt but he's looking gnarly to me these days and John Travolta, well forget it! They are ex-sex symbols for me. Robert Pattinson is thre man and check this out and I'm sure you will agree. This is the link. I hope it works because it is SMOKING HOT! You'll have to cut and past it in to your browser because I don't know how to embed it in this blog. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKlkGxfpTHU

I've made that video one of my favorites and I watch it at least once a day (talk about obsessing!) It's just good fun and nice fantasy. I can't wait for New Moon to come out this month and I blew through Stephanie Meyers four books a day at a time and one was 700 pages! Because I am "alone" I could do that so why would I not enjoy this life?

Back, but to my mini-adventure. It will be interesting and fun to see the weekend unfold and we'll walk the beach and take pictures at sunset, go to the Blessing of the Fleet, eat copious amounts of oysters, drink too many martinis and have some good laughs! She lets me bring Wiz with me (can't be too far away from him) and she's considerate in that way because she has had "elderly" dogs that adore her and she has adored so she understands and I'm so happy for it. If he's not at my side, my feet or in my room I feel like something is missing. Last night he was curled up in his bed snoring! It made me laugh as I remembered others in my life with only two legs snoring equally as loud! We'll walk the Seafood Festival and enjoy all the arts and crafts and eat nice meals. It will be lovely, I'm sure and I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend filled with everything you love!

Namaste

Ramblings of a dreamer looking SOMEWHERE DOWN THE ROAD...

In 1977 when my first child, a son we named Joshua, was in my arms, only three days old, I marveled at his perfection and was filled with the wonder a first time Mother will understand. In the span of a moment, I saw his conception, birth, childhood, teen years, graduation from high school and college and marriage. The tears on my face brought me back to reality and I realized all those events were somewhere down the road and right now, I was holding a small bundle of possibility.

Somewhere down the road, I was blessed with two more small bundles of possibility and today, in 2009, they each have their own bundles of possibility and somewhere down the road has happened for all three of my children who are now parents themselves and are dreaming their own dreams for their children and travelling their own road.

A marriage to a wonderful person who loved them dearly and a beautiful ceremony to commemorate that love was something I had dreamed for each of my children. That dream did come true and all three experienced a beautiful wedding, in a way that was perfect for them and a delight to me.

Joshua was married in a small, intimate wedding at a “Victorian Garden” in Denver, Colorado on a beautiful Spring day, April 30, 2000. A a violinist in a long, flowered gown played aoft, sweet music in the background as the guests were seated. A quote by one of my favorite poets, Kahlil Gibran” was spoken as a part of the service. The verse was about love and it was their choice because neither knew how much I enjoy Gibran so I was touched that they had found him on their own. For the Mother/Son dance at the reception, Joshua had chosen the Stevie Nicks song “Landslide” for the two of us to dance together and we both cried tears of joy and sadness at the same time and the song will always be meaningful to me. Bubbles were blowing from a machine above the dance floor and the softly falling bubbles gave the room a feeling of joy and lightheartedness. I’ve always thought bubbles contained wishes and hearts desires so the bubbles were perfect for the occasion. The event was a lovely coming together of two hearts and two families.

Jessica, born two years after Joshua, was married at a place called "Vecoma at The Yellow River" near Stone Mountain, Georgia on November 1, 1997. "Vecoma at The Yellow River" is marketed as Atlanta's most charming and distinctive special events facility that is set upon a magnificently wooded forest and is the perfect location for weddings. The plan was to have the ceremony, at dusk, with Jessica and Arlo standing at River's edge, under the trees which were wearing their fall splendor of orange, yellow and red. However, just before the ceremony began, it started to rain. So, we moved the wedding inside the lovely, riverside lodge with 14-foot-high ceilings, a huge stone fireplace, and french doors leading to a HUGE deck overlooking the Yellow River where they would have been married. Instead, they were married in front of a roaring fire which had been made to take the chill off the wet Spring evening. They were married under an arch which had been quickly set up in front of the fireplace. Huge candelabra filled with white candles were placed on either end of the fireplace. The wedding, like my Jessica, was more traditional and perfect for her and her new husband. Her Dad and I cried tears of joy and sadness as she walked down the aisle and took her place beside Arlo. The event was another lovely coming together of two hearts and two families.

Jenny, my third child born in 1988, was married to Elliot on April 18, 2009. The ceremony took place in a meadow, reached by crossing a small foot bridge over a bubbling brook. The vows were spoken under an arbor her husband had built of saplings he’d cut for the occasion as birds chirped and the sound of the brook played it's own song for the occasion. We had hung white tulle from the arbor to dress it up a bit but otherwise left it rustic. The meadow was at “the Briar Patch” in the North Georgia mountains near Blue Ridge which is property owned by her husband’s family and the ashes of his grandfather, whom he had loved dearly, had been scattered in that meadow so his spirit was strong there for Elliot. It was another of those perfect early Spring days with flowers bursting abloom and the trees putting on their new raiment of green and everything smelled fresh and new as we celebrated their love and beginning of life together.

Three of life’s dreams come true, not only for me but for my children. The road I was on in 1977 veered right and I was along for the ride. What a journey it has been!

I didn’t foresee on that day in 1977 when I was first marveling at my newborn son that by the time of the first wedding in 1997, their Dad and I would be divorced but neither of us remarried. In addition to the happy memories of each wedding, I also carry the memory of a rather big fight that got physical the day before Josh’s wedding between his Dad and myself that ruined what was otherwise a perfect day. On the day of Jessica’s wedding, my grandmother died and that was the first time her Dad had brought his new girlfriend to a “family” event and I felt shamed and embarrassed at the same time. Jenny’s wedding was memorable for another reason because I had to see someone that day (her biological Father, but that’s another story because he was not her “Father” but more of a “donor” although I had loved him dearly) that I could have lived the remainder of my life without seeing but there he was, right in front of my face, as he should have been. I was happy for Jen's sake that he was there and maybe for his, too. Not wanting to see him and not loving him are two separate issues and perhaps another story for somewhere down the road.

Life’s funny, isn’t it? For every bit of joy and happiness allotted to me comes a little bit of darkness. I have a choice to focus on that darkness or remember the joy and beauty of those moments. I haven’t forgotten the moments of darkness but they were not the DEFINING moments of the day. They were only moments, along with all the others that were included in that day. I can’t forget them because they happened but I can choose to tuck them away in a dark corner and just let them sit there with the other dark memories. Their corner is a part of the room but such a smaller part of a large, well-lit room.

My dream for my children came true as each of them have found peace, happiness, joy and a good friend to walk beside them as their mate. My three little bundles of possibility, hearts of my heart. What an adventure being their Mother has been and one I would not have any way other than the way it has been, even with the little dark corner filled with the sadnesses and pain, betrayals and missteps. It’s MY dark corner and I own it. Sometimes, I think of my life as a house and sometimes I think of my life as a journey, one long road trip.

The beginning of journey occurs when we draw our first breath and there’s not much we can control about our journey in the beginning but perhaps we have that set up before we make our entrance onto the road. Somewhere down that road, we learn about choices and consequences and it is at that point in time, we begin to chart our own coarse. Looking back, with a wizened eye, I can see each side road and what brought me to it and I can see that each side road had a beauty of it’s own. I went through many scary forests and deep rivers,mucky swamps and barren deserts to get to the place I am today. I look forward to the reminder of the journey which could end in minutes, hours, days or years and I’m ready for anything.

There were times along the journey when I felt like pulling off the road, closing up the house and calling it a day. I went through great depressions but I always made myself get back on the road even if I had to claw my way back to it. I made myself remember that it IS a great day to be alive in America and tomorrow IS a new day. Not just were my beautiful children bundles of possibilities but EVERY DAY is a new bundle of possibility. If I gave my children nothing else for their own journey, I pray that HOPE is the gift I gave to them and the gift they pass along to their own children. Faith, hope and charity are fuel for the journey.

EVERY DAY is a bundle of possibility and if life throws little bits of darkness our way, so be it. Somewhere down the road, we can look back in that corner, remembering the pain but not wallowing in it and if we choose, we can remember all of the light of that day, too. Surely the light is stronger than the darkness. We realize this even moreso somewhere down the road.

Daily, I remind myself to keep the focus on the positive and live the life you dream and dream the life you want to live.

I think I wrote this for myself because I have been forgetting to dream and my car has stalled and the drape fell over the window of my room making it all dark. Now, it's time to jumpstart the car, pull back the curtain and get back on the road to see what’s up ahead. Looks like sunshine with a slight chance of rain!


Namaste