Whew! What a ride this thing called life can be! So much happens so fast it feels I'm on a roller coaster and the ride dips, turns and climbs and it is exciting, scary and exhiliarating all at the same time.
My new job is wonderful and I am enjoying the energy of the people and the activity and the goodness that I am seeing. It is a non-profit organization and slightly different from some of my other jobs. What is heartwarming is seeing first hand how people dig deep into their pockets in an effort to help others. It renews my faith in humanity.
Working in an office of all women is also something new for me and although most of the women are younger than me, we all manage to work together as peers. The "monthly thing" is a memory for me but being around so many younger women I am reminded why it is called "the curse!" I walked in to see one of the ladies almost curled up into a ball clutching her stomach with cramps. Oh, I do remember those days and am so glad that part of my life is over.
We welcomed a new addition to the family on September 10th and he came in at nine and a half pounds, face up and eyes wide. This one is a silent observer and his eyes were focused and he was alert for so much longer than most newborns. I was reminded of my brother who in his last day of life was just looking around the room and when I asked him what he was looking at he said he was "just looking!" I believe our new little Ethan may carry some of the spirit of my brother in him. Ethan is my seventh grandchild and I call him "lucky number seven." I am amazed how quickly I fall in love with each of them. He is already wrapped tightly around my heart and I adore the little fellow whole-heartedly and pray for a happy life and a bright future for him. With all the love coming at him from so many directions, I can only believe he has a wonderful head start because love is the key to everything in life, from my point of view.
We have experienced a divorce which was heartbreaking and sad and a period at the end of a sentence. No, let me take that back. It is merely a semi-colon because my daughter-in-law will continue to be a big part of my life as I will always love her and appreciate her love for my son and for birthing two wonderful grandchildren for me. Thankfully they don't live close so I didn't feel the pain of it all as severely as I would have if I had to be around them more often. Yet I know how it feels to suffer through a divorce and it is always challenging. I wish them both well and whether I feel it is a mistake or not is irrelevant because it is their life to live and I am a mute (can you believe it?) and non-judgmental observer knowing that the ways of the heart are completely unfathomable at times, in fact, most times.
Because my Mom was all alone in Florida, I brought her up here (to Georgia) to live with me last November. My life changed radically and it was a huge, huge, huge (can't emphasize HOW HUGE) adjustment for me but something I felt I needed to do. I could not have foreseen, when I made the decision to bring her to live with me, how it would affect me. On the one hand, I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to do for so many reasons yet on the other hand, I regretted my loss of independence and solitude so it has been a big adjustment for me and not an easy one. I enjoyed my life and my ability to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it and I had so much more time for creativity. Yet, my heart said I needed to do this and I am growing from the experience and learning more about my own self. It's all a process. I am glad she is here and not alone. I left home when I was 18 and never looked back except with relief that I was gone. Still, it is undeniable that there is always a bond that can't be broken and sometimes it is necessary to step up and do what needs to be done.
We were getting into a routine when I finally got the job that I am loving. On the same day I started work, Mom got sick. I thought maybe she was fudging since I would no longer be at home all day with her but turns out she was really sick and by the second week I was working, we had to put her into the hospital. She was in ICU for several days and then in the hospital for a few more until they moved her to a rehabilitation center near my home. Now, after almost three weeks, she is stronger and feeling better but still not able to meet her own personal needs. We are hoping the rehabilitation will get her to that point so she can come back home to live. I am sure we will need to have help come in during the day but this is all a one-day-at-a-time experience and we'll see how it works out.
Since she's been gone, I've had my house torn apart because I've been painting my bedroom. WHAT A PROCESS! It took me two months to think about it and now almost three weeks to get it done. All that's left is to paint the ceiling, put up the border and then put it all back together. I've been sleeping on the couch with my best pet friend, Wizzie and life has been slightly a-kilter, to say the least. I have learned much during this process and can assure anyone and everyone that the next time house painting needs to be done, I will hire a professional.
I had no time to devote to it last weekend because on Saturday, I had to shop for Mom,, who needed some new gowns and "dusters" which meant a trip to the Mall. I didn't realize it was a "one day sale" weekend and I could hardly find a place to park and the lines and crowds were a challenge. Saturday evening I met friends for dinner and a lingerie party for a friend who is about to jump back into marriage (no, I couldn't talk her out of it...she is "in love!"). Sunday, I met another friend for lunch and then we went to the Rehab Center to visit Mom. My friend, who is a friend from high school, touched my heart with her desire to visit Mom. She took care of her Mom and Dad both and is now taking care of an Aunt so she knows a bit of what I am going through and I'd say she was more giving than me and I could learn a lot from her. It was wonderful to see both of my dear friends and I was feeling resentful of my own SELF (my own selfish self) for wishing I could just be in my home painting. After lunch and the visit with my Mom, I went to visit my daughter and stayed until midnight (which means I didn't get home until 1:00am)and went into Monday feeling like a zombie. It was worth it to be able to hold baby Ethan and play with Ian. I cooked dinner for the family and then cleaned the kitchen so I felt like I'd helped in some small way.
Yet those events with friends don't come by twice and I didn't want to miss them so I've spent another week on the couch and another week looking at the mess and the paint cans, brushes, all the other painting supplies and wishing my room were done and back together and my home in order once again. Maybe this weekend? Yes! My daughter sent me a text yesterday asking me to watch my grandchildren on Saturday and I had to say no although I wanted to say yes. It was a difficult decision for me because I 1)hate saying NO to her and 2)hate missing time with the grandkids. Yet if I don't get the painting done on Saturday, I won't get the bedroom back together on Sunday and I'll roll into another week with everything in disarray and I don't think I can do that and feel good about it. So, I said NO, which was unsettling but necessary.
So, a new job, a new baby, a divorce, a Mom in the hospital and a house in disarray. Yet this weekend, I'll get the house in order and then life will fall back into order. Or will it? Perhaps it's just a "dip" before the climb again? Mom should get back home next week and we'll start the readjustment all over again. It's never boring, is it?
My first few weeks at work I felt like I was running on empty. It's a long commute and by the time I get home, I am feeling exhausted and feeling "my age." I want to just go to bed immediately and I'm glad I don't have a family to look after or a significant other to give time to because quite frankly, I just don't have the energy for it. I honestly don't know how others do it.
I miss the "time" and "space" to paint and write and this is the first time in a long time I've felt good enough to just sit and write and it feels WONDERFUL! I am hoping things will settle down at some point in the near future and I will be able to devote a Saturday to a blank canvas, my jar of brushes and let the energy pervade my soul to create. Somewhere within me is still "an artist in transition." I didn't know how poignant that statement would be when I started this blog a year or so ago. That's life though, isn't it? We are always "in transition" or at least my life seems to be. It's never boring and I am grateful for every minute and for every breath I take and give thanks to GOD for this wonderful ride. Buckle up, find the smile, raise the arms and say "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Another door opens...August 16, 2010
I start a new job today and I am beyond excited. I signed the paperwork on Friday the 13th so that day is lucky for me! I feel like a kid leaving home for the first day at school. I went shopping yesterday and bought a new lunch bag. It felt sweetly poignant.
Being an artist is a marvelous and wonderful use of my time but it didn't provide the financial rewards I need to survive so heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work I go. The painting is from my "Through the Door" series so I thought it would be appropriate for today.
My job search has been extensive, long and time consuming but I prayed about it and as I feel I live in Divine flow, I knew the perfect job would appear at the perfect time and it has. I learned from my last job that sometimes there are opportunities for growth we can't know until we are in the middle of the experience. Sometimes those "opportunities" are a little uncomfortable but that is what makes us stretch and grow and become more of who we are meant to be.
I am in for a wild ride this morning and although it's only 27 miles to work, I expect it will take at least an hour with the morning traffic being what it is but I'm okay with it and will use my time in the car to "get my mind right" as I take this new road (literally and figuratively!). I am having a Robert Frost moment as the road is diverging once again. We have an intersection here called "Spaghetti Junction" and there are overpasses and underpasses and it's a mish-mash intersection and exactly where I pick up 285E. Traffic is ALWAYS backed up on those over/under passes but I am expecting it and that's half the battle of keeping my cool on the road! I am also a defensive driver so I keep enough space in front of me that I can stop (and this makes some other drivers mad but I do what feels right for me on the road and they can go on around me if they are not happy with my 10+ over the speed limit).
My biggest regret is that I won't be able to go to Pacifica, California this year for the Fog Fest and to visit my friends. It will be at least a year before I have enough vacation time accrued but again, I suppose this is as it should be. (Divine Flow!) Wahhhh! See you next year Colsy!
I will be working in an office with only women which should be interesting. Lots of estrogren and I understand the age range to be 20's to 60's with me being on the upper end of the range (bringing my sageness to the table). I have worked in an all-woman office once before and it was fun so I'm expecting nothing less from this one.
Wishing you a beautiful day. I have a job! Amen! I have a job! Amen! I have a job! Amen! Bring it on God, I'm up for it!
Namaste
Namaste
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Time goes by...so slowly...
...and time can do so much (Unchained Melody). Why is that song on my mind this morning? Well, here we go again. Another challenge. Another opportunity for growth. Another time I collide with my past. It is a past I would like to blank out of my mind but refuses to go away and be away and there is nothing I can do but to accept it. I doubt I ever will.
So, first time writing in what seems forever but life has changed so drastically that the person writing this blog last year is but a faint memory and suddenly I find myself in another "role." Another "responsibility" I accept but not without some regret but doing what needs to be done...the "right" thing to do and daily I pray for patience and empathy and the ability to find my joy, in some way. I haven't written because I can barely stand to listen to my own thoughts much less share them with others.
I think of my friends who have truly devastating experiences to overcome like the death of a loved one or a terminal illness and then I feel so ashamed of myself. I want to be so much more than I am but find myself in the middle of a pity party more often than not. I can't seem to pull up the blinds enough to let the sun truly shine in again.
And that statement made me laugh as I took down the blinds on one window this morning. I've bought paint to re-paint my bedroom and new curtains. I bought this over a month and a half, maybe even two months ago, and can't seem to find the motivation to do the work. Maybe today? I promise myself that I will paint above the window and hang the new curtains, at least there and it's what I know I need to do for me.
I guess I'm feeling trapped and I wonder if that is how others feel in certain similar situations. It's almost like being married and not knowing how or when to go about getting a divorce. Then, I remember that I did live through that and I will live through this and be the better for it but then I think that time is passing and I am older and my days are numbered and is this how I want to spend my minutes? I guess it is because it is what I am doing and as I always say, "I am the boss of me." I am doing this because I love someone else more than I love myself and maybe that's part of the reason for coming in to this life? It is the right thing to do.
It seems there are those who say we need to learn to "love ourselves" before we are truly able to love another but by loving another, are we not loving and honoring our own selves? Do I love myself any less because I put myself into "responsibility" situations? No, I think not. I like myself just fine, even if I do feel trapped at the moment. It won't last forever and there is a reason behind everything and I truly believe this and I also know that it is not always my call to know the reason but to just maintain my faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep taking another breath and doing what needs to be done.
So back again to that "collision" with the past. It's not a unique situation. There are many divorced parents who come together at weddings and birthdays for the children and manage to endure the company of the other for the SAKE of the children. It is what must be done, it is what can be done and it is what WILL be done. I guess it is those "consequences of our choices" that we all must accept at some point in time. I know what it means now to "pay the piper." So, pay the piper I will.
Still, in my quiet moments with my deepest self...I hear the words to Unchained Melody and I let myself flow with it for a bit. Then, I suck it up and keep moving. Yes, I will get that area painted and I will hang my curtain and I will find my joy because that is what I do. I AM the boss of ME and I will find the joy...IN SPITE of the obstacles and I will remember that it IS a great day to be alive...and not just in America!
Well, that felt good. Now to press "post" and put my guts "out there" and hope that maybe my meanderings will mean something positive to another and perhaps help someone else. That would be my fondest desire.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing...hold on to the memories but live in the now knowing tomorrow is a new day...and it is always darkest before the dawn!
Namaste!
So, first time writing in what seems forever but life has changed so drastically that the person writing this blog last year is but a faint memory and suddenly I find myself in another "role." Another "responsibility" I accept but not without some regret but doing what needs to be done...the "right" thing to do and daily I pray for patience and empathy and the ability to find my joy, in some way. I haven't written because I can barely stand to listen to my own thoughts much less share them with others.
I think of my friends who have truly devastating experiences to overcome like the death of a loved one or a terminal illness and then I feel so ashamed of myself. I want to be so much more than I am but find myself in the middle of a pity party more often than not. I can't seem to pull up the blinds enough to let the sun truly shine in again.
And that statement made me laugh as I took down the blinds on one window this morning. I've bought paint to re-paint my bedroom and new curtains. I bought this over a month and a half, maybe even two months ago, and can't seem to find the motivation to do the work. Maybe today? I promise myself that I will paint above the window and hang the new curtains, at least there and it's what I know I need to do for me.
I guess I'm feeling trapped and I wonder if that is how others feel in certain similar situations. It's almost like being married and not knowing how or when to go about getting a divorce. Then, I remember that I did live through that and I will live through this and be the better for it but then I think that time is passing and I am older and my days are numbered and is this how I want to spend my minutes? I guess it is because it is what I am doing and as I always say, "I am the boss of me." I am doing this because I love someone else more than I love myself and maybe that's part of the reason for coming in to this life? It is the right thing to do.
It seems there are those who say we need to learn to "love ourselves" before we are truly able to love another but by loving another, are we not loving and honoring our own selves? Do I love myself any less because I put myself into "responsibility" situations? No, I think not. I like myself just fine, even if I do feel trapped at the moment. It won't last forever and there is a reason behind everything and I truly believe this and I also know that it is not always my call to know the reason but to just maintain my faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep taking another breath and doing what needs to be done.
So back again to that "collision" with the past. It's not a unique situation. There are many divorced parents who come together at weddings and birthdays for the children and manage to endure the company of the other for the SAKE of the children. It is what must be done, it is what can be done and it is what WILL be done. I guess it is those "consequences of our choices" that we all must accept at some point in time. I know what it means now to "pay the piper." So, pay the piper I will.
Still, in my quiet moments with my deepest self...I hear the words to Unchained Melody and I let myself flow with it for a bit. Then, I suck it up and keep moving. Yes, I will get that area painted and I will hang my curtain and I will find my joy because that is what I do. I AM the boss of ME and I will find the joy...IN SPITE of the obstacles and I will remember that it IS a great day to be alive...and not just in America!
Well, that felt good. Now to press "post" and put my guts "out there" and hope that maybe my meanderings will mean something positive to another and perhaps help someone else. That would be my fondest desire.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing...hold on to the memories but live in the now knowing tomorrow is a new day...and it is always darkest before the dawn!
Namaste!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Rolling in to Two Thousand Ten with whispers from God...
Happy new year to all of us. I can't believe it is already January 6th but every year the days seem to move more quickly from one to the next and before I know it, it will be SPRING. For now, I am trying to allow myself to find a way to enjoy this winter, knowing winter is a gift, too. It's not my favorite gift but one for which I am grateful, none the less.
I finally did my "whole person" reading on the 4th. I usually try to do it on the first day of the year to get an idea of where I'm being guided and supported in the upcoming year but I procrastinated this year and I guess that's okay. It was certainly pertinent from a personal point of view since I've been delaying "living" and have been "existing" instead of being proactive. It was a very different reading from years past and I know this is going to be a challenging year, in many ways for me. It was an in-my-face reminder that I AM the boss of me and I need to accept responsibility for everything that is in my life and if I don't like what's there, it's up to me to make the necessary changes to make it what I want it to be. That's the hardest part of life, isn't it? Accepting responsibility and making changes? It's hard for me and it seems it is difficult for others, too. Yet, I know it can be done. I have faith that it can be done. Not only for me, but for any/everyone.
My spirit/mind/body reading today was interesting and as always, so RIGHT ON and exactly what I needed to be aware of in my life.
First off, spiritually, came a message about indolence. Indolence is stagnation, laziness, unclearness. It was a reminder to me that I need to release my pattern of over-extension which leaves me drained and "indolent." I need to set limits and welcome more discipline into my life. I was reminded that the storms of life throw me out of balance, again and again. Yet is is the constant change between being centered and uncentered which teaches me to be more conscious from moment to moment.
I had a migraine headache yesterday and spent most of the day in bed. I seem to get migraines when I am in "overload." So, I recognize this about myself and acknowledge my need to set limits so that I don't reach the "indolent" stage but I also know it will happen again yet not as often and I will be "conscious" not to let myself get to the point of being completely drained. I have to look after my own self, accept responsibility for my own self and for my own well-being. I need to be aware of my own NEED for discipline and structure and I do that by being conscious and in the moment. It was a good reminder and one I needed to hear.
Next, I got a message about mastery of self-knowledge and awakening to the deepest essence of who I am. I am a radiant being filled with love and light and I want to share this love and light with compassion and rememberance of my own "dark places." So, by being "conscious", I can also be more self-aware which brings me to the physical message.
I received the "love" card and the message is about equal and special love. Love that is creative, inspirational and bears great creative power. My affirmation is: I desire and am open to fully experience love.
We experience love by the act of loving AND by staying open to receiving love. Love wears so many disguises that it is sometimes difficult to recognize but with love comes light or "illumination" and with "illumination" comes love for they are both the same.
Well, I'm getting a little esoteric here but what I really wanted to "put out there" this morning was that it is love that helps us through the storms of life and the love has to come from WITHIN.
I just spoke with a dear friend who is going through the process of dealing with the loss of a child, an only child. I can only imagine the pain she is experiencing and I am filled with compassion for her. What can I say that will make any difference in her life? What can I do to help my friend who is in so much pain? Not only her, but I have other friends and family in the throes of their own storms and I want to reach out and help them all, in some way. Yet, what can I really do that will make any difference? What can I say that will help?
I can only love them and listen. The changes that need to occur for each of them, can only come from within and I try to remind those I love about SELF love as I have to remind my own SELF so often. We all need to love our own SELF first and when we do that, and only then, can we truly help another help another.
So, to that end and in line with my "whispers" today (I call my readings "whispers from God") I will stay conscious today of being centered and balanced. I will remember that I am a radiant being filled with love and light. I will set limits and boundaries. I desire and am open to fully experience love in all it's many facets. By loving my SELF, I can love others more completely.
Well, rolling in to Two Thousand Ten I am reminded to "Love thy neighbor as thy own self." Perhaps in today's world, we've gotten it reversed and we need a reminder to love our own SELF, too, for we are the light of the world.
Namaste, Happy New Year and remember to love your SELF today and stay conscious from moment to moment. Holding the resonance and sending love and light to all.
I finally did my "whole person" reading on the 4th. I usually try to do it on the first day of the year to get an idea of where I'm being guided and supported in the upcoming year but I procrastinated this year and I guess that's okay. It was certainly pertinent from a personal point of view since I've been delaying "living" and have been "existing" instead of being proactive. It was a very different reading from years past and I know this is going to be a challenging year, in many ways for me. It was an in-my-face reminder that I AM the boss of me and I need to accept responsibility for everything that is in my life and if I don't like what's there, it's up to me to make the necessary changes to make it what I want it to be. That's the hardest part of life, isn't it? Accepting responsibility and making changes? It's hard for me and it seems it is difficult for others, too. Yet, I know it can be done. I have faith that it can be done. Not only for me, but for any/everyone.
My spirit/mind/body reading today was interesting and as always, so RIGHT ON and exactly what I needed to be aware of in my life.
First off, spiritually, came a message about indolence. Indolence is stagnation, laziness, unclearness. It was a reminder to me that I need to release my pattern of over-extension which leaves me drained and "indolent." I need to set limits and welcome more discipline into my life. I was reminded that the storms of life throw me out of balance, again and again. Yet is is the constant change between being centered and uncentered which teaches me to be more conscious from moment to moment.
I had a migraine headache yesterday and spent most of the day in bed. I seem to get migraines when I am in "overload." So, I recognize this about myself and acknowledge my need to set limits so that I don't reach the "indolent" stage but I also know it will happen again yet not as often and I will be "conscious" not to let myself get to the point of being completely drained. I have to look after my own self, accept responsibility for my own self and for my own well-being. I need to be aware of my own NEED for discipline and structure and I do that by being conscious and in the moment. It was a good reminder and one I needed to hear.
Next, I got a message about mastery of self-knowledge and awakening to the deepest essence of who I am. I am a radiant being filled with love and light and I want to share this love and light with compassion and rememberance of my own "dark places." So, by being "conscious", I can also be more self-aware which brings me to the physical message.
I received the "love" card and the message is about equal and special love. Love that is creative, inspirational and bears great creative power. My affirmation is: I desire and am open to fully experience love.
We experience love by the act of loving AND by staying open to receiving love. Love wears so many disguises that it is sometimes difficult to recognize but with love comes light or "illumination" and with "illumination" comes love for they are both the same.
Well, I'm getting a little esoteric here but what I really wanted to "put out there" this morning was that it is love that helps us through the storms of life and the love has to come from WITHIN.
I just spoke with a dear friend who is going through the process of dealing with the loss of a child, an only child. I can only imagine the pain she is experiencing and I am filled with compassion for her. What can I say that will make any difference in her life? What can I do to help my friend who is in so much pain? Not only her, but I have other friends and family in the throes of their own storms and I want to reach out and help them all, in some way. Yet, what can I really do that will make any difference? What can I say that will help?
I can only love them and listen. The changes that need to occur for each of them, can only come from within and I try to remind those I love about SELF love as I have to remind my own SELF so often. We all need to love our own SELF first and when we do that, and only then, can we truly help another help another.
So, to that end and in line with my "whispers" today (I call my readings "whispers from God") I will stay conscious today of being centered and balanced. I will remember that I am a radiant being filled with love and light. I will set limits and boundaries. I desire and am open to fully experience love in all it's many facets. By loving my SELF, I can love others more completely.
Well, rolling in to Two Thousand Ten I am reminded to "Love thy neighbor as thy own self." Perhaps in today's world, we've gotten it reversed and we need a reminder to love our own SELF, too, for we are the light of the world.
Namaste, Happy New Year and remember to love your SELF today and stay conscious from moment to moment. Holding the resonance and sending love and light to all.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Monday Mornings...
Monday mornings are great! Monday signals new beginnings for me although I do admit that in the past there were times when it meant only the end of a wonderful weekend I was loath to let go.
There have been break-ups, divorce, death, sadness and pain in my last week for people I care about and I feel and am compassionate about their feelings and experiences without letting my own SELF get bogged down in it, knowing they will come out the other side changed but after a time, it can be like a Monday for them, too. Perhaps that makes me come across as a little cold but I am not, I am just hopeful for a new tomorrow, always.
I have experienced loss, of many different types and what I have found is that with every loss comes a new opportunity, a change in direction but life can still be a wonderful, amazing experience if we look for the amazing, wonderful things that are still here. It is difficult to know exactly what to say to someone I care about when they have experienced a loss or are going through a life changing experience such as death or divorce. I want to bring them comfort and facilitate their healing process. I want to "make it better." I know that it is really not within my power or my control but in the power and control of the one who is experiencing the pain and the loss. Sometimes, I think it helps to hear the words from another so there is value in saying what I feel is positive and uplifting.
I've always been a bit of a loner although I enjoy and dearly love my friends and family. I have relied upon my own SELF to get through my sufferings and I'm too prideful to let my pain show. Happiness is an inside job. I know that I am the one that has to find my own happiness and no one else can do it for me and it's not their job anyhow. I consider myself a strong person, able to "roll with the punches" but there have been times in life when I have felt humbled and brought to my knees and wallowed in my own self-pity. Divorce, loss of love, loss of a child, loss of a parent, loss of a friend, loss of love, children leaving home...it's all a part of the process we know as life. Still, I believe in LIFE and I believe in LOVE and more than anything, I believe life goes on regardless of the experiences. As long as I am breathing, there is hope. Hope for a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new path, a new experience.
Many years ago, my brother gave me two little placques for posting on the refrigerator. The quote on one was the "Happiness is an inside job" and the quote on the other is "Along the way, Take the time to smell the flowers." I've tried to model my adult life around those two quotes. I say "tried" because I've not always been successful and I've had my "black holes" but I always manage to pull myself back up, with the help of God and my faith. Another of my favorite quotes is "Faith is the little bird that feels the sun and sings, although the dawn be dark." Another way of hanging on to hope and having faith. If I have given my children nothing else, I hope I have been able to pass on to them this faith and this belief in life.
We all struggle. We struggle with loss, love, finances (always a struggle for all of us in my family but we seem to be able to always "have enough"), moods, divorce, loss of trust, betrayal and sometimes we betray and sometimes we are the betrayed. All a part of life. It is what we do with all of these losses and struggles that define our character and the quality of our life. As long as we keep breathing, there can be a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new opportunity. Let go and move on and MAKE the minute, the day, the week what we need it to be for our own happiness. Grieve, suffer, be depressed. These are all feelings that we experience at one time or another but don't linger long there in the darkness. Feel it and then move on and get back into the sun. We are all capable of it and if not, get some help to find it.
Today I am going to wrap some Christmas gifts, work on my book for my family, write a little, organize a little, enjoy my Mom a little, walk Wizzie and enjoy the fresh air a little, e-mail my friends a little and all those little bits will add up to one big, fine day.
I had someone say to me this morning, "It sure was a crappy weekend outside, wasn't it." Instead of following along with that train of thought, I said, "Yes, it was wet and cold out but it made it that much more comfortable to be inside and I accomplished a lot inside of my house this weekend." It changed the whole tone of the conversation. Yes, it was wet and cold outside but hey, it's December and we have a lot of those days in December. Still, it was a great weekend! I didn't leave my house but it was a fulfilling weekend and this morning, I am sitting here writing in an environment that is neat, orderly and fun to be in because I had the time to make it that way this weekend.
I had a custom wall-unit built for my bedroom and it was installed last week. It was built by Tim Ford and Arlo Alvarez and they knocked my socks off with their expertise. I had a vision and they brought that vision to a reality. Here's a picture of what it looks like and I am happy as a lark with my "new" bedroom!
If you need anything built and you are in Georgia, Tim Ford Woodworking at 678-776-8315 is the place to go for custom woodworking. The work is beautiful and he is a master at creating a lasting and beautiful work of art, of a sort. He is definitely a master craftsman and I highly recommend him.
That having been said, I'm off now to create a wonderful day for myself. I hope you do the same for your own self. Remember..."happiness is an inside job" so work hard at that job and you can succeed admirably!
Namaste, my friends!
There have been break-ups, divorce, death, sadness and pain in my last week for people I care about and I feel and am compassionate about their feelings and experiences without letting my own SELF get bogged down in it, knowing they will come out the other side changed but after a time, it can be like a Monday for them, too. Perhaps that makes me come across as a little cold but I am not, I am just hopeful for a new tomorrow, always.
I have experienced loss, of many different types and what I have found is that with every loss comes a new opportunity, a change in direction but life can still be a wonderful, amazing experience if we look for the amazing, wonderful things that are still here. It is difficult to know exactly what to say to someone I care about when they have experienced a loss or are going through a life changing experience such as death or divorce. I want to bring them comfort and facilitate their healing process. I want to "make it better." I know that it is really not within my power or my control but in the power and control of the one who is experiencing the pain and the loss. Sometimes, I think it helps to hear the words from another so there is value in saying what I feel is positive and uplifting.
I've always been a bit of a loner although I enjoy and dearly love my friends and family. I have relied upon my own SELF to get through my sufferings and I'm too prideful to let my pain show. Happiness is an inside job. I know that I am the one that has to find my own happiness and no one else can do it for me and it's not their job anyhow. I consider myself a strong person, able to "roll with the punches" but there have been times in life when I have felt humbled and brought to my knees and wallowed in my own self-pity. Divorce, loss of love, loss of a child, loss of a parent, loss of a friend, loss of love, children leaving home...it's all a part of the process we know as life. Still, I believe in LIFE and I believe in LOVE and more than anything, I believe life goes on regardless of the experiences. As long as I am breathing, there is hope. Hope for a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new path, a new experience.
Many years ago, my brother gave me two little placques for posting on the refrigerator. The quote on one was the "Happiness is an inside job" and the quote on the other is "Along the way, Take the time to smell the flowers." I've tried to model my adult life around those two quotes. I say "tried" because I've not always been successful and I've had my "black holes" but I always manage to pull myself back up, with the help of God and my faith. Another of my favorite quotes is "Faith is the little bird that feels the sun and sings, although the dawn be dark." Another way of hanging on to hope and having faith. If I have given my children nothing else, I hope I have been able to pass on to them this faith and this belief in life.
We all struggle. We struggle with loss, love, finances (always a struggle for all of us in my family but we seem to be able to always "have enough"), moods, divorce, loss of trust, betrayal and sometimes we betray and sometimes we are the betrayed. All a part of life. It is what we do with all of these losses and struggles that define our character and the quality of our life. As long as we keep breathing, there can be a Monday morning, a new beginning, a new opportunity. Let go and move on and MAKE the minute, the day, the week what we need it to be for our own happiness. Grieve, suffer, be depressed. These are all feelings that we experience at one time or another but don't linger long there in the darkness. Feel it and then move on and get back into the sun. We are all capable of it and if not, get some help to find it.
Today I am going to wrap some Christmas gifts, work on my book for my family, write a little, organize a little, enjoy my Mom a little, walk Wizzie and enjoy the fresh air a little, e-mail my friends a little and all those little bits will add up to one big, fine day.
I had someone say to me this morning, "It sure was a crappy weekend outside, wasn't it." Instead of following along with that train of thought, I said, "Yes, it was wet and cold out but it made it that much more comfortable to be inside and I accomplished a lot inside of my house this weekend." It changed the whole tone of the conversation. Yes, it was wet and cold outside but hey, it's December and we have a lot of those days in December. Still, it was a great weekend! I didn't leave my house but it was a fulfilling weekend and this morning, I am sitting here writing in an environment that is neat, orderly and fun to be in because I had the time to make it that way this weekend.
I had a custom wall-unit built for my bedroom and it was installed last week. It was built by Tim Ford and Arlo Alvarez and they knocked my socks off with their expertise. I had a vision and they brought that vision to a reality. Here's a picture of what it looks like and I am happy as a lark with my "new" bedroom!
If you need anything built and you are in Georgia, Tim Ford Woodworking at 678-776-8315 is the place to go for custom woodworking. The work is beautiful and he is a master at creating a lasting and beautiful work of art, of a sort. He is definitely a master craftsman and I highly recommend him.
That having been said, I'm off now to create a wonderful day for myself. I hope you do the same for your own self. Remember..."happiness is an inside job" so work hard at that job and you can succeed admirably!
Namaste, my friends!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Just thinking...
It is winter quiet this morning and the day is gray outside and the remainder of summer's sage, wilted and begging for me to come out and cut it back, is blowing in the wind. There is just a hint of purple left on the ends but the leaves look sad and worn out from the frost we had a few nights ago. I like the peaceful quiet of a winter's morning but not as much as the vibrancy of a Spring morning yet both are a part of the cycle of nature and of life. I've been thinking much of both since I brought my Mom up from Florida to live with me.
Somedays, I feel like the sage because I am tired and growing older by the minute. Yet I am happy that I can find peace, still. This is a test of my character and of my beliefs, which are tested daily.
My Mom and I have had a strange relationship most of my adult life and I've lived away (far away) from her since I was old enough to leave home. I left and never looked back when I was 18 and I made my way on my own, stumbling and bumbling but making it on my own and I liked it that way.
She's still my Mom, though and nothing will change that and I love her for giving me the gift of life and I am trying now, to get to know to her as an adult. Yet it feels as if I have another child because she can't get around very well (which is why I brought her up here to live with me) and she uses a walker and a wheelchair, when we go out. I'm glad I am physically able to help her although I admit that sometimes, it does take a lot of energy to do all that needs to be done around just "moving" her from place to place. Yet, I feel compelled to do what I can to help her enjoy her final years. She will be 80 on December 21st. The scary thing, to me is the reminder that 80 comes up real fast behind 60 (which I will be on March 1st).
My Dad's gone, most of her friends have already passed over and there was no one (of any merit) in Destin to care for her. So now, I have the opportunity to be a bigger person and to grow and I'm finding that I enjoy having her around. I've cleared out my studio and made it into as a nice a room for her as possible, with bright colors and pretty things. I put a birdfeeder up outside the window so she can enjoy the birds and have done all I know to do to make her comfortable.
We play cards every day and eat our meals together but she sleeps alot and so I still have time for my writing and "thinking" and although I'm feeling heavy, I'm not sure it's because of her because I always get heavy in winter which is my least favorite season. Usually I endure it rather than embrace it but perhaps this year I can learn to embrace the winter, too.
Mom is in the winter of her life and I'm in the fall. I'm not ready for winter and I'm not even ready for fall. I want to be in Spring eternally with perhaps a hint of summer. That's what I feel in my heart and soul most of the time but when I look in the mirror, the reflection yells back FALL and I hate it but I'm trying to be more zen about it.
If we manifest everything in our life, and I believe we do, then I have created this opportunity to allow my spirit to grow. In my opinion, that's my purpose in life. I came here to grow spiritually. Now, in the FALL, I'm being given a wonderful opportunity. Now to seize it and GROW. What does that mean? I don't know right now but I know there is a lesson here for me.
Already, good things have happened for me around the changes. Life is not what I had in my "dream" five years ago but I know that I am very, very blessed and I am hoping to pass through THIS WINTER and come out the other side without falling into my usual "winter depression" and as always, even though it is a gray, winter's day outside, I am looking ahead to the Spring. I've planted more bulbs this year and put in more crocus so I can see them from my desk as I write. Crocus are the harbingers of Spring,along with the Forsythia, and I put a lot in because by the time they show their beautiful little faces, I need their color to bring my hope to fore.
I'm not painting right now and that's put aside until the Spring when I'll paint in the annual Plein Air event again. Yet I can write and I'm working on my book of poetry for my family. I don't know if they'll appreciate it because it is so personal and much of what brought me great joy brought them pain and I was selfish about my love. Perhaps it will have more meaning for my grandchildren when they are grown and have had loves of their own and I know one of my children will understand better how life throws us a curve ball now and again. I won't say which one but as an adult having passed through a similar life experience the "ah ha" light should go off and the door to greater understanding and growth opened a lot wider.
I could write more about how interesting it is to watch the growth of another human being (and admittedly, their pain is my pain because my child's pain is always my own, too, as well as their joys) but...
AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER...
Mom smelled the Nag Champa essential oil I had in the burner and came in to see what I was doing so I made her some breakfast and played a game of rummy with her and now she has gone back to bed to watch TV for a while (and probably sleep). She sleeps a lot but that's understandable. Babies and old people...(well, okay..."older" people) seem to need lots of sleep. Some because they are growing and some because they are slowing.
Time for me to move into my day. I'm still "reorganizing" and trying to fit in my home and I have a large box for Goodwill of good things that no longer have a place but may help another or perhaps there's a need that can be inexpensively filled and that would make me happy. Mom asked what I was giving to Goodwill because she might want something and I said "don't even look because it is all going to Goodwill" and we had a laugh about it.
I have to go to the Post Office because I didn't get out to my mailbox in time for pickup and to Goodwill and to the Food Bank to drop off some canned goods. I had thought to have a full day at home but it looks like that's not to be. It seems there's always something that has to be done that requires me leaving the house and I suppose that's okay. Before Mom came, there were days at a time when I just "snuggled in" or spent the day working in the yard from sun up until I came in, dirty from head to toe and tired to the bone but feeling satisfied with a day well spent and something to show for the effort. Sometimes I'd just sit at the computer for hours, writing, musing, sending e-mails and reading blogs or something else I found interesting (or looking at something relative to OH MY GOD Robert Pattinson who has captured my fancy like millions of other women of ALL AGES. He sure is "purty"...there's something about that "bad boy" persona with a "heart" that captures my fancy and provides stimulus for my fantasies! Lord, make me 18 again! LOL!).
So, wishing you a joyful day, filled with all that makes you happy!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A Mini Adventure
In about 4 hours I will be leaving for a mini adventure with a woman who was one of my best friends in high school. We lost each other for some time in our wanderings and life experiences but reconnected, joyfully, about ten years ago. Her name is Regina and she's a Real Estate broker now and was the agent for the purchase of my little home that I love so much here in historic downtown Buford. She also helped my brother get in to his house. We go to the high school reunions together and enjoy social events at each others houses and although our paths took us in different directions, we find that still, we are heart-to-heart. She's a conservative (I forgiver her) AND I'm a liberal (she forgives me). Her husband is a "hunter-gather" and their home abounds in dead, stuffed animals that always gives me the willies but it makes them happy and I love them anyhow. Her husband is one of the sweetest, kindest men I've ever met (she teasingly calls him "Daniel Boone" and he would have lived well in that era) and the two love each other madly and I so appreciate that about them, especially given my dismal history with love.
They own a darling beach home in Carrabelle, Florida and Regina and I are having a "get-away" for the next four days with the high point (aside from one-on-one time together) being the Apalachicola Seafood Festival which occurs on November 6th-7th. I'm excited to check out the artist's booths as I've been looking around for shows and festivals where my art may sell.
I've been working in the yard again and last weekend I bought a couple of flats of pansies (50% off at Lowe's, how could I not?) so I've been in a dead heat to get them all in before leaving on my mini-adventure. I finished yesterday and already I'm so excited for the color and the joy they will bring through the cold winter months when the trees are barren and everything else has gone to sleep. I also moved a climbing rose bush that tries to overgrow my house to a place beside the arbor in the front and I am hoping it will be happy there. Actually, I am just hoping it survives the move. What a job! It took me a good half-hour to get it dug up because after 3 years in that spot, it was well-rooted and I had to cut some of the roots just to get it out. I ended up with about a 12" diameter of a root ball and I can tell you it was NOT easy getting that rascal up and then it was so heavy I had to use the wheelbarrow to move it. I had a clematis at the place where I moved the rose bush so I had to dig that up first (it got moved to a place by the mailbox and again, I'm hoping it survives the move as it is a beautiful plant through the spring and summer). Anyhow, another two holes to dig. When I got up this morning, I could hardly move my arms and I have a streak of pain in my back. It's all good though! Nothing like manual labor to clear the mind.
After the planting and cutting back of some things, I transported two wheelbarrows of yard debris to the street for pick up and then I got out the blower and blew my walkway, driveway, back deck and front porch. Now, it looks neat and clean but by the time I get back, the leaves will have built up again. I don't mind because I love the trees and so I put up with the leaves and the mess (see my earlier blog about the pecan messes!).
Time to start packing. I hit a bonanza jackpot at Goodwill last week and picked up 3 college Literature textbooks (Elements of Literaure, 3rd, 4th and 6th) for $2.50 each and they are the teacher's editions so more prized by me. I'm sure the books probably cost in the hundreds because textbooks are so expensive. I was so happy with the find and can't wait to delve into them because there are many, many good authors represented. I also bought a book of Shakespeare that can be read with children (maybe I'll "get" it now, too!) I'm taking a few books with me. I'm also reading a book about Eastern Philosopy, Greek and Roman Mythology and Vein of Gold by the wonderful Julia Cameron. I would be equally happy just staying home and reading but I make myself do fun things and socialize because I could too easily become reclusive.
People ask me if I'm lonely because I'm single and I'd have to answer truthfully and empathically NO! I am never bored, I like my time and space to do what I want whenever I want. If I want to go to the Comedy Club or to listen to music or whatever, I can always find a friend to go with but most of the time, I'm happy as a clam (are clams happy?) just puttering about the house or writing or painting... whatever strikes my fancy. I communicate daily with friends by e-mail or phone and I'm never lonely. I also have my brother and sister on the same street and that's a comfort and my children and grandchildren are close so am I lonely? Never!
I've had two big loves and several minor ones in my life and I think that's my quota and that's okay with me. Right now I'm obsessing over Robert Pattinson because he's so darn sexy and pleasing to look at and dream about being with someone so intelligent, talented, and easy on the eye but if I had the choice, I'd choose to just obsess as I do (he's less than half my age, after all, but I'm not DEAD even though I'm not lonely!) from afar. My kids think I'm crazy but there was a time when John Travolta held that place of honor for me (back in the "Staying Alive" phase of the 80's). It's no different from men obsessing over Megan Fox or Marilyn Monroe or Angelina Jolie (oh, I almost forgot my past obsession with Brad Pitt but he's looking gnarly to me these days and John Travolta, well forget it! They are ex-sex symbols for me. Robert Pattinson is thre man and check this out and I'm sure you will agree. This is the link. I hope it works because it is SMOKING HOT! You'll have to cut and past it in to your browser because I don't know how to embed it in this blog. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKlkGxfpTHU
I've made that video one of my favorites and I watch it at least once a day (talk about obsessing!) It's just good fun and nice fantasy. I can't wait for New Moon to come out this month and I blew through Stephanie Meyers four books a day at a time and one was 700 pages! Because I am "alone" I could do that so why would I not enjoy this life?
Back, but to my mini-adventure. It will be interesting and fun to see the weekend unfold and we'll walk the beach and take pictures at sunset, go to the Blessing of the Fleet, eat copious amounts of oysters, drink too many martinis and have some good laughs! She lets me bring Wiz with me (can't be too far away from him) and she's considerate in that way because she has had "elderly" dogs that adore her and she has adored so she understands and I'm so happy for it. If he's not at my side, my feet or in my room I feel like something is missing. Last night he was curled up in his bed snoring! It made me laugh as I remembered others in my life with only two legs snoring equally as loud! We'll walk the Seafood Festival and enjoy all the arts and crafts and eat nice meals. It will be lovely, I'm sure and I'll tell you all about it when I get back.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend filled with everything you love!
Namaste
They own a darling beach home in Carrabelle, Florida and Regina and I are having a "get-away" for the next four days with the high point (aside from one-on-one time together) being the Apalachicola Seafood Festival which occurs on November 6th-7th. I'm excited to check out the artist's booths as I've been looking around for shows and festivals where my art may sell.
I've been working in the yard again and last weekend I bought a couple of flats of pansies (50% off at Lowe's, how could I not?) so I've been in a dead heat to get them all in before leaving on my mini-adventure. I finished yesterday and already I'm so excited for the color and the joy they will bring through the cold winter months when the trees are barren and everything else has gone to sleep. I also moved a climbing rose bush that tries to overgrow my house to a place beside the arbor in the front and I am hoping it will be happy there. Actually, I am just hoping it survives the move. What a job! It took me a good half-hour to get it dug up because after 3 years in that spot, it was well-rooted and I had to cut some of the roots just to get it out. I ended up with about a 12" diameter of a root ball and I can tell you it was NOT easy getting that rascal up and then it was so heavy I had to use the wheelbarrow to move it. I had a clematis at the place where I moved the rose bush so I had to dig that up first (it got moved to a place by the mailbox and again, I'm hoping it survives the move as it is a beautiful plant through the spring and summer). Anyhow, another two holes to dig. When I got up this morning, I could hardly move my arms and I have a streak of pain in my back. It's all good though! Nothing like manual labor to clear the mind.
After the planting and cutting back of some things, I transported two wheelbarrows of yard debris to the street for pick up and then I got out the blower and blew my walkway, driveway, back deck and front porch. Now, it looks neat and clean but by the time I get back, the leaves will have built up again. I don't mind because I love the trees and so I put up with the leaves and the mess (see my earlier blog about the pecan messes!).
Time to start packing. I hit a bonanza jackpot at Goodwill last week and picked up 3 college Literature textbooks (Elements of Literaure, 3rd, 4th and 6th) for $2.50 each and they are the teacher's editions so more prized by me. I'm sure the books probably cost in the hundreds because textbooks are so expensive. I was so happy with the find and can't wait to delve into them because there are many, many good authors represented. I also bought a book of Shakespeare that can be read with children (maybe I'll "get" it now, too!) I'm taking a few books with me. I'm also reading a book about Eastern Philosopy, Greek and Roman Mythology and Vein of Gold by the wonderful Julia Cameron. I would be equally happy just staying home and reading but I make myself do fun things and socialize because I could too easily become reclusive.
People ask me if I'm lonely because I'm single and I'd have to answer truthfully and empathically NO! I am never bored, I like my time and space to do what I want whenever I want. If I want to go to the Comedy Club or to listen to music or whatever, I can always find a friend to go with but most of the time, I'm happy as a clam (are clams happy?) just puttering about the house or writing or painting... whatever strikes my fancy. I communicate daily with friends by e-mail or phone and I'm never lonely. I also have my brother and sister on the same street and that's a comfort and my children and grandchildren are close so am I lonely? Never!
I've had two big loves and several minor ones in my life and I think that's my quota and that's okay with me. Right now I'm obsessing over Robert Pattinson because he's so darn sexy and pleasing to look at and dream about being with someone so intelligent, talented, and easy on the eye but if I had the choice, I'd choose to just obsess as I do (he's less than half my age, after all, but I'm not DEAD even though I'm not lonely!) from afar. My kids think I'm crazy but there was a time when John Travolta held that place of honor for me (back in the "Staying Alive" phase of the 80's). It's no different from men obsessing over Megan Fox or Marilyn Monroe or Angelina Jolie (oh, I almost forgot my past obsession with Brad Pitt but he's looking gnarly to me these days and John Travolta, well forget it! They are ex-sex symbols for me. Robert Pattinson is thre man and check this out and I'm sure you will agree. This is the link. I hope it works because it is SMOKING HOT! You'll have to cut and past it in to your browser because I don't know how to embed it in this blog. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKlkGxfpTHU
I've made that video one of my favorites and I watch it at least once a day (talk about obsessing!) It's just good fun and nice fantasy. I can't wait for New Moon to come out this month and I blew through Stephanie Meyers four books a day at a time and one was 700 pages! Because I am "alone" I could do that so why would I not enjoy this life?
Back, but to my mini-adventure. It will be interesting and fun to see the weekend unfold and we'll walk the beach and take pictures at sunset, go to the Blessing of the Fleet, eat copious amounts of oysters, drink too many martinis and have some good laughs! She lets me bring Wiz with me (can't be too far away from him) and she's considerate in that way because she has had "elderly" dogs that adore her and she has adored so she understands and I'm so happy for it. If he's not at my side, my feet or in my room I feel like something is missing. Last night he was curled up in his bed snoring! It made me laugh as I remembered others in my life with only two legs snoring equally as loud! We'll walk the Seafood Festival and enjoy all the arts and crafts and eat nice meals. It will be lovely, I'm sure and I'll tell you all about it when I get back.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend filled with everything you love!
Namaste
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