I hit the wall running...

Yes...I was doing great until I hit the wall running and was stopped cold. I've been dusting myself off and trying to find my legs again. More on that later.

I succeeded with the fast for 3 days and then had a spinach quesadilla and hated myself for a week, maybe longer. Still beating myself up about it but I'll try again and maybe succeed for the full 10-days next time. I should NEVER have left the relative safety of my own space. I drove to my daughter's (26 miles) and it was 26 miles of unending restaurants of every kind and billboards of food of every kind. Earlier in the day, I had gone to my painting group and I skipped the lunch afterwards even though they were going to my FAVORITE Mexican restaurant. I came home and drank my lemonade like a good girl. Yet that Mexican food was floating around in my brain, taunting me and I had almost made it to my daughters house but at the last turn, there it was, like a beacon of light in the dark night...a brand new Mexican restaurant flashing NOW OPEN. My car turned of it's own violition and next thing I knew, I was sitting in a booth at a table with a multi-colored tablecloth in front of a basket of chips and a bowl of salsa and my mouth was saying "spinach quesadilla" please. Someone else within me (the "naughty" girl) just took over and the FASTer (the "good" girl) in me went someplace else. Such is my life. I try and I try and I try.

Today is Thursday and my son, his wife and my two grandchildren are arriving from Denver to be a part of the wedding. Tomorrow we all head north to Blue Ridge where we'll staying in one of the town's new hotels. It is a rare occasion because ALL of my children and grandchildren will be together in one place because of "THE WEDDING." I could write for an hour or two about THE WEDDING but I've much to do today around THE WEDDING so I'll keep it short. It will be a beautiful, outdoor wedding and I'll post pictures later. The wedding is coming AFTER the baby carriage but what else is new these days? He'll be in the wedding instead of the gleam in his Dad's eye at the wedding! :-)

For me, the ONLY dark spot in all of this and it may yet turn out to be a silver lining is having to see someone I could live the rest of my life and be completely happy never to see again. Yet see them I must and I will and then it will be a memory and I will hopefully never have to see them again. I started to say there are not many people in my life I don't wish to see again but the truth is that there is only ONE person in my life I have a desire to never see again and it is the person I'll come face-to-face with on Friday night at the Rehearsal Dinner. There's no getting around it and believe me, I've tried and tried to think of a way to avoid seeing them but it's not happening. So, this is my greatest challenge, my "opportunity for growth", my worst nightmare...whatever...we'll see. It's got my stomach in an uproar, I can tell you, and it's making me sweat when I think about it. I "pep talk" myself with the old "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" and "what's the worst thing that could happen" and then "what's the best thing that could happen?" Yet, I come up with a complete and total blank and I can't answer even one of those questions. I'm the answers lady and I can't find an answer for my own dilemma. I can't pep talk my own self to the other side of this one and it is making me me crazy. So, what to do? What to do?

I'm going to put it out of my mind for now. I've got a lot to do today so I'm going to make my list and stay focused on what I need to do and not let this "other" pull me off focus. It's like walking headfirst into a wind tunnel....I'll just keep my head tucked down and keep moving my feet, one step at a time and I'll get to the end of this tunnel and walk out into a beautiful day of sunshine, brightly colored flowers and birds singing. I am focusing on watching my grandchildren on Saturday, scattering rose petals, doing cute grandchildren things that make us all smile...watching my daughter in her beautiful dress walk down the aisle towards her handsome fiancee and her future...oh geez, I'm getting the lump in my throat and misty eyes just thinking about it. I'm not going to let the "other" get my day...it's a beautiful, sacred moment and I am going to float into that moment and just enjoy the moment of LOVE and FAMILY and let the "other" take care of itself in the way that is best for all concerned. If it weren't for that "other" NONE of this would be happening and life would be so different so I will focus on that and be grateful. Yes, that's what I'm going to do. I'm sure it's going to be fine. I have so much to be grateful for and that's where I choose to put my focus.

Now...up and at 'em! There's a wedding happening in two days and my beautiful little Sabra and Timothy are probably at the airport in Denver already getting on the plane with their Mommy and Daddy to come and visit and have some fun with the family! It's all good!

I'll write more AFTER the wedding. I'm leaving my computer at home for the next few days and won't even be checking (gasp) e-mail until Monday morning. So, have a great weekend and I'll let you know how it all goes (even the "other" experience).

Namaste!